Scene 32

Pushing open the bedroom door Madison didn’t bother to knock as she went into the apartment’s master bedroom to check in on her sister. It had been over a week since Jacqueline had come home from their surgery and she didn’t understand why they were so depressed. Still did her best to be both patient and empathetic, knowing she was no expert on what her younger sibling was going through, but Madison did wish Jackie would talk to her about what was going through their head. “Morning sis, how are you holding up?” Madison was not an early riser, but work demanded she be signed into her apps long before her own internal clock said it was time to be up. She knew Jackie was awake, she had heard laughter coming from the room, actual laughter after days of Jackie being a sad zombie.

“Hey.” Jackson gave a half wave with one hand and hit the spacebar on his laptop that was sitting next to him to pause the movie he was watching.

“Happy to see you up, I was considering using the ice bucket challenge as a method to get you out of bed, though I suppose we still have to work on the actual getting out of bed part.” Looking her sibling over she looked to be wearing a different nightie than the day before, the peach colored outfit showed plenty of her new assets. It wasn’t just the clothing, Jackie looked to have actually both washed and brushed her hair. It wasn’t just the shower and change of clothes, for the first time in a while she saw a smile on her siblings face and other than the comedy that was pulled up on their laptop, she wasn’t sure what changed. Of course she wasn’t sure what caused the problem to begin with.

“I would have killed you.” The soft breathy voice came from Jackson’s mouth followed by a light laugh.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed Madison gave a shrug. “You might have tried, but that would have required you to get out of bed and I think we both remember how our last fight ended.” A small smirk came to her face as she remembered them wrestling in the jello. “Looks like you are feeling a bit better and best of all it sells like you showered.” She teased.

Things had been bad for Jackson, he had been pranked into wearing a dress for the office by Lincoln and his sister wanted to use that as an opportunity to dress him up and that led him down a path that he hadn’t been able to pull himself out of. The world had seemed to not just go crazy, but conspire against him. His internship that should have ended months earlier or changed over to an actual job in the sales team at Mega Corp had changed to him being not just a secretary but a bimbo secretary that serviced her manager everyday. The attempts at making things better like keeping men away with proclaiming Linc to his boyfriend had spiraled to somehow they were going to get engaged or so that was the plan. The company had wanted to really push their diversity and show how welcoming they are by helping him transition to be the woman they believed he wanted to be, all in order to use him as some toy public relations could wave around. When he tried to slow the tide and get out of breast augmentation surgery he wasn’t even able to move the appointment.

It wasn’t just waking up with a painful chest that had swollen D cup breasts, it was what else had happened. The doctor had come in to talk, acting like he wasn’t a butcher, saying how he kept his word and was here to talk. That talk had him asking about how he was doing, the answer was bad, and it only got worse when the medical professional gave what he called good news. Saying how they understood his aversion to needles, something he really did have at this point considering the hormone injections he was getting. Now he no longer would need them, something that would have been great news, if it wasn’t followed by being told they had implanted slow release capsules that would block his testosterone and increase his bodies’ estrogen production. Jackson wanted to proclaim malpractice and sue the shit out of him, but that would lead to questions about why he wasn’t happy about it, about why he had given authorization to Mega Corp to assist in his care when it came to transitioning.

Trying to be tactful Jackson had asked about having another surgery, he wanted them to put him under and undo what they had done to make him a freak, but that wasn’t an option. The slow release hormone pellets in his body weren’t really something that could realistically be removed and to go back under the knife for his chest the doctor under the impression his patient was already thinking of going bigger said it would be best to wait three to five months. So he was stuck, stuck with breasts, stuck having female hormones flood his body and in pain.

The painkillers helped Jackson shut himself away from the world, Maddy made sure he ate, or at least tried too. His phone was full of unread text messages from Linc, Abe, Tabitha, Lilian and Dunn and almost as many missed calls. It wasn’t until the truly dark thoughts started to come, like if life was even worth living. Jackson knew if he was gone Maddy and his father would be inconsolable and only the idea of passing on pain to them kept him from exploring the thought further. Still Jackson knew he needed help, things were so out of control and because of all this mess he did have a tool in his tool box to use. Getting up and out felt like too difficult a task, but Kimmy, his counselor, had been more than willing to take his call.

Sitting on the tiled floor in the bathroom Jackson had called his mental health professional, worried about what he could say to her to get help, what he couldn’t say. She would be obligated to report him if she knew he was committing fraud and even more worried that she wouldn’t be able to help. He used to joke around most of the time, taking very little seriously, but all of that felt like a lifetime ago. With every ring of the phone Jackson could practically feel his blood pressure go up and when Kimmy answered it only increased his stress level instead of it going down. It wasn’t until she let him know that she had no problem talking on the phone that he was able to calm down, not completely, but it was a small step.

“You have to understand that what you are feeling now is normal.” Jackson heard the sweet voice of the woman say through the phone. He knew this was anything, but normal and yet wasn’t sure exactly how to say hey I don’t want to be a woman, without actually saying that.

“Kimmy, I don’t feel normal… I’m not… “ Jackson closed his eyes and with one arm hugged his legs up to his new bosomed chest.

“You feel as if you are losing control, or have lost control of your body?” When she had started her own transition she thought changing herself to look more like how she felt would feel wonderful. There were those moments, but she had also felt crushing depression.

Pressing his lips together in a line Jackson nodded, the silence on the line dragging out before he actually put thought to voice. “Yes, I’m… I’m… I’m not me anymore.” he said, pressing the cell phone to the side of his head harder like it would help him faster.

“I know this might sound silly, but I want you to tell me three things about you. A movie you find funny, a place you want to visit and someone you love.”

The woman’s question made Jackson narrow his eyes as he looked down at the tiled floor, seeing the grime that had built up and how much it needed a good scrubbing. Not that he had ever scrubbed a bathroom floor, but he wanted to think about anything, anything at all other than himself. “I don’t know… Maybe one of those Jimmy Carry movies? The one where he is a lawyer.”

“Good, I thought that was funny too, what else?”

Jackson’s eyes shifted slightly as he thought, having no clue why she was changing the subject, he needed real help and she wanted to ask get to know you questions like they were on a date. “I would like to go to Germany one day, like for Oktoberfest and see how it is really done.” He had to really think the question through, traveling was something people loved to do, go see the sights but he didn’t have some drive pulling him off to distant places. “For love? Ahh…” He thought he should say Linc, for the story, but it wasn’t right and didn’t want to keep going back to that well. The last time Jackson had he ended up getting a dick picture and had used it as proof he actually wanted dick so he could suck his boss off. The only good thing to come of the surgery was time away from the office and away from Dunn. “Maddy, she can drive me so crazy I want to scream, but I love her.” He said just thinking about the hot soup she had given him after he told her he just wasn’t hungry and insisted he take some of it down.

“You find Jim Carry funny, you want to experience Germany in October and you love your sister? Is that all correct?”

Once more Jackson nodded to the question, the actual answer to the question being delayed till he spoke up. “Yeah, I guess.”

“I want you to consider something for me. What you just told me are part of you, small pieces, but they are all you. You may watch many more movies you find funny and your favorite changes. You might decide to visit someplace else instead of Germany and you and your sister might fight, but the answers you gave me just now will always be true to who you are right now. Things change, but the pieces of you are all still there. Right?”

Thinking about what she was saying Jackson scrunched up his nose. “I guess.”

“And you have the power to change your wants and desires whenever you really want, right?”

Still confused, he shrugged. “Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything Kimmy?”

“It means change is normal and that you do have control over your life. Things are out of everyone’s hands and everyone resists change to a degree, even change they wanted. What you are going through is normal, and the unease you feel tends to go away over time. In a few weeks from now things will be better, not perfect, but better. Does that make sense?”

Thinking it over, it did make some sense to Jackson, it didn’t address the fact that he had been put on a high speed train with destination female, but he did feel more than a little better. She had at least gotten him out of his own head where he had been folding his problems over onto themselves over and over again like it was pizza dough. “Yeah it does.”

“Good, now tell me. Have you been taking your prescription?”

Even though she wasn’t looking at him, Jackson fidgeted. “No.” He admitted, but at least hadn’t been drinking. That spoke more to the fact that he didn’t want to leave the room and that his sister wouldn’t give him any **** than him trying to stick to the promise that he had made over and over again.

“Then I want you to try a few things today and for you to give me a call tomorrow so we can discuss how they made you feel. You are going to take care of yourself, get cleaned up and see if you can watch that movie you were talking to me about. If not something else you know you enjoy. Find yourself a cute outfit and get dressed up, look at yourself in the mirror and compliment yourself. Try to find acceptance in what you see, pride in who you are and remember this is a process and results will not happen overnight. It is okay to not feel one hundred percent, it is okay to give yourself a break. It is okay to be yourself. And?” Kimmy asked wanting her patient to fill in the blank for what else they should be doing.

“And?” Jackson asked back. “Tell my sister I love her?” He could hear the chuckle on the other end of the phone.

“Yes, that is something that is important. Remember you are not alone, but what I was getting at is that you should be taking your medication.” She didn’t think the dosage was correct for Jacqueline, but it was her MD’s job to get the balance right. She suspected once Jacqueline took it on the regular that he would lower the dosage to better fit her needs.

A partial smile formed on Jackson’s face as he sat in bed thinking about the conversation with Kimmy. She hadn’t talked him off some ledge, given him some deep insights, but what she had done was make him realize a good part of the weight that was pressing down on him was because he was compounding his issues. With her and taking his medicine things didn’t feel as dire, making it easier to cope. So he had breasts, breasts were awesome and Jacqueline looked sexy as hell. It wasn’t like they were permanent and he had testosterone in his body for since puberty, a few months of them kicking around in him wasn’t going to be the end of the world. When his primary doctor gave him injections he had learned just not taking them could result in some serious consequences, so he just needed to be patient and maybe try to enjoy the ride. What other guy got the chance to play with tits everyday?

Putting his own hand atop his sisters’, Jackson gave it a gentle squeeze. Things were bad, but it was okay, at the moment his medication was mixing with the estrogen making that happy little chemical linger in his brain, making his worries seem so much smaller. “I appreciate you trying to help me, I love you sis.”

Madison touched her hand over her chest. “Awww! I love you too.” Scooting closer Madison wrapped her arms around her sister who seemed to have turned a corner with what they were dealing with. “Care to share what is going on? I don’t have experience in dealing with what you are going through, but I promise to listen and to only tease you when appropriate.”

Pulling back from the hug, Jackson crossed his arms underneath his now real ample bosom. “When exactly is it appropriate to give me shit and when is it off limits?” He tried to look stern, but couldn’t bring himself to really have any time of sour expression.

“Well.” Madison started, turning her face so she could give her sister the side eye. “It is a delicate balance that big sisters learn over time. So I’m afraid you just wouldn’t understand.”

Giving his older sister the best glower he could Jackson let out a small huff. “Yeah, so I spoke with my therapist and she helped. I mean not magic, but she told me to get cleaned up, take my beds, watch a funny movie and tell someone important that I WONT name that I love them.”

“Yeah?” the short brown haired girl said with a raised eyebrow. The way Jackie had said that made her wonder if she was talking about what she had just said to her, or if she was talking about Lincoln who had gone away just as their friendship had budded into something much more.

“Yes, no need to be a brat about it. She also said I should be nicer to myself or something like that and to get dressed up to give Jacqueline a chance.” He then rolled his eyes, she had said something closer to giving himself a chance, but that was what he took away from it. “I am Jacqueline and Jacqueline is me and all that. So, I dunno… wanna maybe go out for lunch today?” Jackson asked a part of his mind thinking about a particular low cut top in the closet that Jacqueline would rock.

Cocking her head to the side, Maddy took her sister in once more, happy for them, wishing she could do more and wondering about seeing a therapist of her own to deal with all her own shit. ‘If they were able to help Jackson feel more like herself as Jacqueline then a therapist should do fucking wonders for me and my own issues.’ Leaning forward, she gave Jackie a quick hug, considering asking about seeing her new assets, wanting very much to see what breast augmentation surgery looked like using that new artificial skin tissue procedure, but dismissed it for now. “Sure, that sounds fun. Just us sisters? Or can I invite Callie?”