Satou Kazuma vs. Demon Lord Kazuma

They really never sell the feel of punching someone in the face in the movies. Mostly how much it absolutely kills your hand, punching enchanted bone feels as tough as spanking Darkness. Still, couldn’t hurt as much as being punched in the face with a unicorn-spit infused fist, something demon-me was reeling from on the floor.

I’d just got done reviving thanks to Aqua and now here I was, in a room documenting my own struggles with supreme power, defending Darkness from a hideous demonic version of myself. At least I managed to wipe that stupid grin off his face. Mine? …his.

He spat out a drop of blood and a demented chuckle. “Cheap shot, but then I wouldn’t expect anything else from me.”

“Laugh it up, assdick,” I growled, brandishing Chunchumaru at him defensively. “You don’t get to terrorise my girls using that face any longer!”

It was a pretty empty threat, and I think we both knew it. Especially as he stood up and loomed over me at over twice my size.

“Oh really? Little baby Kazuma is going to stop the Demon King?” He growled low, steam escaping his jagged teeth and left eye glowing red, “Why don’t you share with the class your oh so incredible plan. You got a secret weapon? A fancy skill? Maybe you’re just gonna have a heart attack in front of a tractor, again. Face it. Nothing you have could possibly stop me. I am a God. You are a tiny, little, ant to me. Run while you can, puny mortal.”

Holy shit.

My lips are sucked in so far. I am trying my absolute hardest not to laugh right now.

“Puhu~”

A vein twitched in his forehead as soon as the noise escaped my lips. The anger in ‘my’ demonic eyes was palpable.

“Sorry!” I wiped a tear from my eye. “It’s just… fuck. It’s like looking at a world where I never left my cringy chunni phase. It’s almost a shame to kill you.”

He still seemed thoroughly unconvinced, “Kill me? Now you’re making me laugh. You and what army?”

This was getting ridiculous, I had to place a hand over my snickering face. “Dude, are you really a Kazuma? I can’t believe I would say such an obvious, clichéd flag!”

The evil mirror of me looked confused for a second before he was once more punched in the face by three different fists.

“Woo! Return of the KazuClones, asshole!” ‘I’ cheered, letting my own chorus of Kazumas get their own jabs in with their jabs.

“Eat unicorn spit!”

“My hands are a lethal weapon!”

“This is for hurting Darkness!”

“Rock bitch.”

“He already used that one.”

“I thought we were reusing clichés?”

“Oh my god, right? Who knew being evil would make us into such a dork?”

The complete **** of me on myself was a sight to behold. About thirty of my potion clones were just repeatedly kicking and punching demon-me with all the holy skin they could muster. He was clearly disorientated, probs not expecting to be hurt at all let alone from so many of his own flying limbs jab-locking him.

I instead chose to lower myself down to the blonde who had bravely held him off so long.

“Kazuma…” Darkness mumbled. Her skin was already fading in shade as I held her in my arms. I grabbed her outstretched hand even as it changed a pale blue colour in my fingers.

“Sshhh, don’t talk.”

“Kazuma, I-I can feel it. I’m changing… into a demon…” She groaned. I don’t know how painful this was for her, but it couldn’t be pleasant, even for her. Darkness’ teeth were growing, her fingers became sharper, and her eyes were tearing up even as they changed to a yellow pigment. If only I was here a few minutes before,maybe I could have saved her…

“Well as soon as I beat myself up, I guess I’ll have to deal with having a hot demon girlfriend.” I joked, painfully worried about what was happening but happy to see the edge of her lips tremble upwards just a little. “Just rest, and I’ll reverse everything as soon as I can.”

Her smile stayed true, even in half-demon form. She disconnected her earring, clipping it to my own earlobe, “You’ll need this, as protection… and as my final normality… it’s normal for me to fall into a deep sleep until I awaken from true love’s kiss.”

She had been reaching for the other earring before falling **** in my arms. I sighed a little in relief. Thankfully, that’s how turning into a demon normally worked, but I guess the real question is…

Which lips were going to be kissing her?

With a bit of an effort, I and two other clones lifted Darkness’ body and shuffled her outside the huge door I’d come through. The door would normally only open from the inside for the winner, but it wasn’t locked from the outside, meaning I could place the sleeping Darkness out there safely. Closing the door again meant I was trapped with myself, letting me focus on the fight to keep him here.

Okay.

True secret boss time. Akuma just killed M. Bison, so now I have to fight my evil shadow. All I have is my wits and a briefcase full of sex toys, while he has some ultimate power and impenetrable armour.

I’m so fucked.

He’s down, being rapidly kicked by my multitude of clones, but his health bar’s probably enormous. If I know boss flags, this would be the time he yells ‘ENOUGH’ then knocks away all my guys in one hit.

Oh yeah, I called it. Here he goes now, gathering his energy for one big blast aaanndd…

“ENO-”

He didn’t finish, cause I hit pause with my time-stopping stopwatch.

What? No way in hell I was going to be fighting this guy fairly. He already blew my fucking head off before the fight even started! I need to use all my scummy tactics if I’m even going to survive, let alone win.

The echoes of my footsteps in a time paused world were weird, but kinda calming. There weren't any Jojo’s clock sounds, shit just stopped. It’s creepy, but cool as well. I also have to be careful when breathing cause I think air particles don’t spread out as well in paused time, but hopefully this won’t take long.

It was also running on my limited Mana pool, so it’s not like I had forever no matter how you slice it.

“Okay, so what have we got here…” I said working quickly, kneeling down to see if I could undo a few of this asshole's armour plates. Aegis armour ain’t exactly easy to maneuver, but I could at least get an angle at his neck.

Plan A: Kill him.

An inelegant plan, but there’s too much at stake here to leave anything to chance. I grabbed Chunchunmaru, gathered my courage to actually have the mental fortitude to kill someone (me), and dove my hand down towards his neck… only for this stupid blade to glide along the skin without piercing him.

Yeah I kinda expected that to happen.

I tried a few more times but it was as I feared, I’m not a high enough level to even hurt this guy. Even trying to jam the point into his eyeball (something I had to look away from in case it worked) did absolutely nothing, even his weakest point was too high a level for me to do even 1 damage to him.

His earrings were just like Darkness’ as well. Magically protected to clip forever, unable to be removed no matter how hard I tried.

With a stretch of my back and a determined huff I began to empty the case of sex toys that Aqua brought along to start Plan B:

Everything else.

“-MPH!” Came the muffled yell of Devil Kazuma. He still unleashed his wave of destruction from his body and the seven attacking Kazu-clones all vaporised in an instant.

He lumbered to his feet. Looking around for any signs of me before he realised his mouth had been silenced, and no matter what he did nothing was removing what was around his mouth.

Why was his yell muffled? Well, I had a handy-dandy little magic muzzle that only came off when he submits to me. I think we used it against Musume? No idea where that thing came from but I gotta say; Darkness’ freaky side comes in handy for this shit.

My mirror image was scanning this bizarre bedroom for any signs of me, while I lurked behind the chair he had in front of his television.

If I get a chance to save some of those consoles after this…

No, focus! Bad gamer brain!

I chugged another couple KazuClone potions and began my plan to save the world from me.

In a puff of smoke, a gaggle of about forty clones all exploded out from the chair and began darting around the room.

“GRGH!” He choked out from behind his muzzle, charging forwards in a rage.

My demonic counterpart was relentless in his massacre of my clones. Swinging his fists into pure puffs of smoke, disintegrating their bodies like flame through tissue paper. My boys weren’t totally useless, able to get slashes and punches in themselves by throwing their bodies at him between attacks. Drain touch fused with unicorn spit was a powerful combo, and the sheer number of clones was starting to get to the guy.

In his rage, he grabbed the sword hilt hanging from his belt, aiming to slash my clones’ head in two.

THWACK

He slammed his weapon into two KazuClones. They disappeared immediately after being thrown across the room into a wall.

However, Demon Kazuma was also sent flying from the impact, crashing into his jagged stairs hard enough to create a crater in them.

The sucker hissed through his muzzle in a daze, unable to comprehend what had sent him flying. He opened his hand to see that his sword wasn’t a sword at all. Instead it was something I’d switched his sword with while time had stopped: a long purple piece of phallic plastic.

“Careful with that, ‘****’ is a powerful tool,” I tutted towards him.

The enraged beast crushed Aqua’s favourite dildo in his hands (guess I’ll need to deliver her the bad news later) before he burst from his rocky crater. Fists ready to bash my face into a pulp. He killed about three clones in one swipe of his ham sized hands.

“SMOKESCREEN!” One of the other Kazumas yelled, filling the space we were in with a grey cloud.

Demon Kazuma was swiping his fists in a frenzy, still taking occasional holy jabs to the face while trying to crush as many clones as he could.

Then his knuckles dug into something else.

He howled in pain, grabbing his crotch suddenly and falling to his knees.

“Oohh, watch yourself dude.” I snickered to myself, waving his penis back and forth at him while holding the magical teleporting cock ring it was protruding from. “You never know where your dick might end up.”

I then dropped his penis on the marble and slammed my foot down on it a few more times. His howls got louder, especially when the clones joined me to rapidly attack his dick. He roared through the pain to jam his hand into his armoured pants and rip the magic cock ring out, stopping the teleportation of his dick before smushing it between his fingers.

Sensing the anger growing, he let loose an intense eye laser that I barely dodged by ducking. My clones around me weren’t so lucky, vaporising in an instant.

My bag of tricks was vast, but not infinite. The more me and my clones threw at him, the more I just annoyed the huge lug. Strangling him with Darkness’ favourite bondage rope, pouring lube into his armour, dousing him with Svobena’s mind dusty sex pollen, attacking with dildos, riding crops, anal beads, and anything else we had in our bag of tricks. Each one he simply destroyed before killing the clone.

There were only two things he hadn’t been able to destroy. That magic muzzle… and a piece of writing I’d managed to smuggle onto him.

Once the last of my clones were deceased, the Demon King turned to face me. With a muffled roar he charged me, sharp pointed talons ready to rip my head from my shoulders, but I stood strong. All my annoyances were to get him right here.

“I command my arms to strangle you!”

Both his demonic claws suddenly shot to his neck. His body dragged backwards by his own might.

His body skidded forwards on its knees. Prostrating him right in front of me. Rage fueled eyes glared at me with the strength of a thousand suns. My cocky grin eating the strength of a thousand shits.

In my hands was just a small little pen, but one that held as much power as those shitty earrings he wore. “You probably never encountered these other relics in your timeline. Chris would never have trusted you getting in the same city as them, let alone actually using them. A single bit of magic writing lets me own whatever I have my name on. And while I paused time I was able to write ‘Satou Kazuma’s arms’ on your shitty tree trunks, so now… I own them.”

He struggled, partially for air, partially so he could kill me in some way he hadn’t thought of yet. And even behind the muzzle I could tell what he was asking.

“You’re wondering how I can get your arms to obey me when we share a name?” He hissed at me, looking like he was ready to spit literal lava at me if it came off. I just lightly placed my foot on his shoulder. “Yeah yeah, you look really big and scary while you’re strangling yourself. But you’re right, surely you must be able to control ‘Satou Kazuma’s arms’ yeah?” he tried to bat me away but his hands just constricted further on his neck as I leant in close. “It says ‘The Inferior Satou Kazuma’s Arms’. If you mentally admit you’re worse than me, you can have your arms back. So I’m making a little bet here that there’s no way in hell your ego would ever let you concede I might be better than you for even a second. Am I right?”

“FFFFFFMMMMMMRRRSSSMMM!!!!!!”

“Yeah, didn’t think so.” I cockily ruffled his hair and skipped away to sit in his relaxing gaming chair. “Just admit I’m the winner and we can call it quits now. We’ll deactivate this walking **** castle, you’ll stay in this room forever, everyone wins!”

His head slammed into the ground, desperately trying to get his arms to work for him again, “RRRHGGGHGGHGHHHTTTHHH!!!!!”

“Ahh, shut up and admit it already. You lost, or would you rather let your own arrogance **** you to ****? Idiot.”

I sat in his chair, watching as my blue face became bluer and bluer.

Then he locked eyes with me.

Something had shifted. He didn’t look scared anymore either…

Both his hands grew incredibly bright. A crackle and sizzling sound joined it before suddenly his entire head was encompassed by a small explosion.

His body fell to the floor… limp and headless.

I’d… won?

“I actually won?”

Looking back to a few seconds ago, I really shouldn’t have said such an obvious flag.

“AAAIIIEEEEEE!!!”

The other Aqua was screaming above me from her cage. I looked up to see her body glowing, and followed the trail of light she emitted down… to his body.

Horrific holy tendrils burst from his neck hole and latched themselves to the discarded burnt head to drag it towards the body. I threw my sword at it to try and cut them or his head but the process was too quick. His whole being was overwhelmed with blinding light while being dragged skyward.

I could see his glowing body grab his own disembodied head, tossing the muzzle off to the side of it before reattaching it to his neck. Then he removed the armour piece where I’d hidden the pen’s magic writing and burned my message away in an instant.

When the light faded the demon loomed over me once more.

The Demon King stood before me. Unmuzzled, completely healthy, and thoroughly pissed off.

I gulped, weakly lifting up a controller from his pile of consoles with a hopeful and shaky smile.

“...I don’t suppose we can settle this in Smash?”

His clawed hand dove through my body and out the other side.

–-----------------

Outside the castle, the war raged on.

Harem members bloody and bruised continued to fight tooth and nail for the future of the human race. Adventurers, cultists, Crimson Demons, monster girls varying from succubus to mind flayer, angels, demons, and more. Yet though their numbers were many and their abilities varied, the foes they fought were superior in both areas.

Monsters still flowed endlessly out of the castle’s walls–strange creatures from the current Demon King’s favourite anime and video games–bolstered by Divane’s blessings despite her being tied up by Xara.

Even the basic kobolds and skeletons were starting to thin out, replaced with small walking mushrooms and robotic orange golems holding spears. A man with a triangle for a head and oversized sword sliced through an infantry of knights. King Jeronim was dueling with a violet skeletal dragon with a speared tail. Cloud fought a long platinum haired man. The Axel Hearts were taking on a pink and purple haired duo with their cat, a pair who kept summoning strange snakes and floating poisonous gas balls. A cactus had been seen rushing through the ranks at high speeds. Thanks to their years fighting cabbage, Dust and others from Axel were able to defeat the floating green teeth monsters. Slimes with faces, creatures with long tongues, a fat pink man remarking how hungry he was, no matter where you looked there was something strange attacking others.

Worse of all, time was running out. The dragged castle loomed over the gates of Belzerg’s capital. It would only take a few more steps for the unstoppable giant tower to break through the human’s defences and let the monster horde spread through the city.

No one had managed to get through the barrier since Kazuma and his crew got inside. It had been silent inside, other than the railgun stopping its destructive explosive volleys. Even with that progress, there was a moment of quiet realisation in most of the adventurers–finding that their hopes rode on this crew of girl failures and a male prostitute.

It made them all a little worried, yet they fought on with shaky trust.

“Satou Kazuma… you better come out alive so I can kill you!”

“Megumin! Yunyun! Kill the Demon King in the name of the Crimson Demons!”

“Hear our prayer Lady Aqua, the Axis Cult is with you and your boy toy all the way!”

“I place the future of the kingdom and my family in your hands, Lady Lalatina.”

“Grant them luck, Lady Eris!”

“I’m already having to raise your brat, Kazuma! You better not make them fatherless!”

Despite the well wishes of the populace, the creaking monolith crept ever closer to their homes. Forcing the resistance to have less and less space to fight.

It looked like it was coming closer to the end until Musume slammed her body against the barrier of the castle.

“RRAAGGGHHH!” She roared, putting all of her demonic strength into the magic. Managing to stop the multiple story tower from moving just one step closer. Her skin burned at the magic of the barrier, yet she grit her teeth and held firm against the crawling calamity. Monsters attacked her from all sides, but the humans saw her resistance and quickly leapt to her aid. Protecting the Demon King’s Daughter with all their might as she held the castle in place. “Kazuma… Darkness… HURRY THE FUCK UP!”

In my experience, **** really isn’t so bad.

The pain of it sucks–like, immeasurably sucks, every time feeling your last breath fade away and your body shut down all of its organs–but usually I get a nice trip to see Eris-chan. Heaven’s got some nice walls, a comfy chair, and no homicidal terrorist version of yourself threatening to end all reality.

When you get right down to it, **** definitely sits higher on the tier list than some versions of life.

Like having to experience **** after **** at the hands of yourself.

“TURN IT OFF!” My doppelganger barked as I returned from the other side once more. The pain still echoing in my body, even while it healed.

I was currently lying on his throne, pieces of me slowly stitching themselves back together as he yelled at the Aqua in the cage. The Devil had dragged her cage down to rattle around next to the throne, “I c-can’t! M-my auto-revive is on ‘Satou Kazuma’! That’s both of you!”

“Even when I make you useful, you’re USELESS!” He roared, looking like he was ready to blow a gasket before he realised I was awake again. His red eye glowing brightly-

BZARRT!

And there I go being dead again. Haven’t actually reached Heaven once, the auto-revive bullshit is keeping me around too quickly to get my soul up to eternally rest.

Once more my body was involuntarily healed to life. How horrible.

I awoke to find the scene changed slightly. Instead of him yelling into Aqua’s face my doppelganger was slamming his fists into the door. Desperately yelling about things being ‘normal’ in absolute frustration. Not getting anywhere fast.

“Dammit! Fucking Darkness and her fucking earring are beyond this fucking shitty goddamn door!” He growled, kicking and punching every time he swore. Suddenly his eyes turned back to me, stomping over to my ex-corpse in rage,“You! Say I won!”

“Kuh…?” I bubbled a breath out of my chest.

“Say. That. I. Am. The. Winner.” He spoke loudly and in my ear enoughly to make my skull rattle. My brain was still fried from dying to understand, making him continue his loud mouthed explanation, “The rules of Darkness’ normality means we need a winner before we can leave! I can’t change that normality, because you put her asleep on the other side of the door before closing it! And we can’t decide a winner until one of us admits defeat, or is dead!”

“Aip!”

With a casual lift of his hand, he swiped the cage Aqua was in and started waving it around, “Thanks to dipshit here, neither of us can die! We’re stuck until you admit defeat!”

“...or you could.”

BZAARRRT!

Oh cool, **** again.

My soul crawled ever slower back to my body. **** to inhabit the wrecked pile of bones thanks to this Aqua’s auto-revive. Getting a good look at my own angry face upon my horrible return. Perhaps Heaven was rejecting me for all my sins, because this certainly felt like Hell.

“Say it! Say I won!”

“...”

“SAY IT!”

After a few more struggling breaths, I simply stared at him weakly.

“GAH!” He roared, throwing his hands into the air and dropping Aqua’s cage loudly in front of me, “What the fuck are you even trying for?! What could you POSSIBLY do to me?! You wanna just sit here and die over and over again until you’re fucking brain turns to mush?! I can do that! Unless you just want to ADMIT I WON?!”

I felt so exhausted taking that first breath of life again. Every inch of me is in pain.

He was unfortunately making sense. I’m pretty much out of relics and sex toys, and an eternal **** loop sounds like literal hell. Maybe I should just give up…

My eyes met with Aqua’s.

His Aqua.

She was so different. A near buzzcut hairdo, only allowed to wear a single white tank top and panties, huddled and scared… but looking at me both apologetically and hopeful.

I looked up to myself.

“Fuck off.”

“Jesus Christ, how am I this annoying?” He practically sighed, looking at me like I was some pathetic worm, ironically with the same expression I’d looked at Aqua over the years. “There isn’t a secret happy ending route for you pretending to be cool. You’ve lost, this one is the only thing preventing you from making it certain.” He pointed at his Aqua… only to then start charging a finger laser directly at her head. “Guess I have to get rid of her first.”

“W-w-wait!” She pleaded, seeing the light glow ever brighter. Probably charging so long since she was an actual Goddess still. It wouldn’t be long until her **** was all but certain at this range, which meant I’d probably also die and lose my reviver as well.

“Sush. There’s another Aqua to enslave out there now, you’re just a nuisance.”

Perhaps a lesser Kazuma would have said nothing at this point. Regrouped back in Heaven with a better plan, or just taken the loss to live out his life with sexy Goddesses away from all the tribulations of this world.

But I was the Kazuma with a Harem, and I ain’t giving that the fuck up.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

I could practically hear his eyes rolling at me, “For fuck’s sake, shut up. You’re next.”

“Okay…” I agreed, seeing Aqua’s neck snap towards me in panicky anger, “But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

His glowing finger continued to charge. But after a few seconds, it was clear he was hesitating just a little.

“Why.”

“Hm?”

His eye twitched, “WHY wouldn’t YOU do it if YOU were ME?”

“Oh that,” I said, jovially smiling at him, “Just our secret plan to blow you up as soon as your auto-revive spell was down.”

He gave me a long, eye-rolling-exhale combo, “Oh come on, this is your best plan to stop me?” A small chuckle escaped him at the ridiculousness of it all. “First of all, how and when would you have figured out I even had an auto-revive Aqua down here?”

“Vanir told us everything.” That actually gave him pause, frowning at me with tight eyes at the name of the masked demon. “Yeah, I know. He was the one who told us about the earrings and your secret plans. He didn’t tell us how you had an auto-revive, but that in order to defeat you we’d have to stop it.”

My clone seemed unconvinced, shaking his head at me, “That’s such bullshit. So your plan was to basically do nothing but die on repeat until I turn off my auto-revive and die too?”

That’s been my best plan ever since I reached this shitty world, “I’m just trying to warn you that you’ll die from Megumin’s hands as soon as you open the door.”

“No, I won’t. I can eat her explosions easily.”

“Sure you can, ‘normally’. But we’re banking on this being too big an explosion for you to handle.” I started putting fingers up to list the ways he would be dead, “Two Megumin’s, both powered up by the railgun, and blessed by several Goddesses that I have sexual connections with. Plus Palutena owes me one for making a copy of me.”

He seemed to be considering my words, even going so far as to lower the laser finger away from his Aqua’s face ever so gently. His skeptical eyes scoured me up and down for lies, “...why the fuck would you be telling me this?”

“As I said, we didn’t know how your auto-revive works. Unless you leave this room with the secret knock, they blow it up as soon as the door opens.” I said, hopping off the throne on shaky legs, “If I let you continue we’d all be dead with no bodies to revive us… and, you know, I think Darkness came up with a better way to settle this.”

My hands went up, my right fist landing in my left palm.

“You can’t mean…”

I nodded at his bewilderment, “It’s the only way a final battle of Kazuma vs Kazuma should go. Rock, Paper, Scissors. Winner takes all.”

As you’d expect from ‘me’, I wasn’t an easy man to convince. Even with everything in his favour–massive body looming over me the size and density of a brick shithouse–his demonic eyes looked at me like I was the real threat.

“...what are you up to?”

“Honestly? You’re right. I’m nearly completely out of tricks,” I said with a defeatist shrug, “I can’t kill you. Fuck, I can barely phase you. Playing a game to decide the ‘winner’ is the last card I have up my sleeve. We both know luck is the one thing I can sort of rely on. Maybe my blessings from the gods will be enough to stop you.”

“Fat chance. You know that I’m the real god here.” He growled, puffing his chest out.

God, this guy’s cringe. I extended my hand for him to shake, “Yeah yeah. Do we have a Demon Deal?”

After a few more moments of hesitation, he took my tiny hand in his armoured claw. “Normally, when you lose, you will die. No Heaven, just a direct portal to the bottom pits of Hell. Darkness will be my wife, a demon that lusts only for me and the suffering of others. Your harem, your world, they will all belong to me.”

I gulped, “And if I win, I want what Darkness wanted. You lose all your power, your women go back to how they were before, and this castle stops moving. And you swear you won’t harm a single hair on anyone else’s head after you lose!”

“Fine, whatever! Who cares?!” He brushed me off with a growl, both of us breaking the handshake to aim ourselves at each other. Fists in palm, we both raised our hands in unison, “Add any qualifiers you want, dipshit. Spoilers: you ain’t fucking winning this!”

“Go after three.”

Time seemed to slow down as I focused all my energy on getting this right. His raving echoing loudly against the walls as we all watched the game with baited breath.

Both our fists slammed down into our palms once.

“I can’t believe after all that stupid defiance, you’re handing me the win on a silver platter!”

Twice.

“Nothing you can do can ever change the simple, irrefutable fact-”

Three times.

“-THAT I NORMALLY ALWAYS WIN!”

Our plays were made after three.

The room was dead silent. Eyes locked on the result

After a few seconds, the sound of the huge door magically unlocking could be heard.

A winner had been definitively decided.

Our hands were placed firmly in front of us.

He had his hand out flat.

While my two fingers were up in glorious triumph.

The shock dripping beads of sweat from that no longer smug face was palpable.

I just gave a relieved sigh with a smirk. “Thank fuck you said that. I was bricking it.”

“What. what. WHATWHATWHATWAHT WHATTHEABSOLUTESHITTYFUCKISTHAT?!”

“Scissors.”

“I KNOW IT’S FUCKING SCISSORS BUT HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DRAW THAT?!”

I could have responded, could have given the answer, but isn’t it nicer to hear it come from the true victor?

“Puhuhuhu! Kazuma Kazuma Kazuma! You foolish loser NEET!”

Standing tall on the nearby broken television was my favourite smug Goddess in the whole world. Aqua–my Aqua–in all her glory, boasting away with a puffed out chest.

Dark Kazuma hissed at me then at her, “What the hell did you do, you worthless cu-?”

“For all your talk about how useless and stupid I am, you’ve really done it now, Kazuma!” She replied loudly, hopping off her stand and boldly walking towards the monster version of me, hands behind her back, not a care in the world. “For every mean comment you’ve thrown at me, and all the horrible things you did to other me, you’ve REALLY eaten a big piece of dumb-dumb cake!” She declared, skipping towards his growing growls. “Even I wouldn’t say something so dumb like ‘I always win’…”

She giggled, finally bringing her hands away from behind her back, unveiled a magical Calendar with quick scribbled writing atop today’s square.

“...on Opposite Day!”

…

“No.” He stated plainly. “No, fuck that. I can’t have lost from a plan that… stupid!”

My gloating gland was set to burst. “Well you did, you fucking idiot! You just lost cause you couldn’t stop yourself from cheating! HAHAHAHA!” I laughed, right in his fat stupid face. “Ohh it feels so good to win, doesn’t it, Aqua?”

“So good, Kazuma!”

We both hi-fived loudly and proudly. Ignoring the looming terror that cracked its knuckles right behind our gloating.

“...you think you have power here? Just for opening a door?”

“I mean, that wasn’t the only thing I opened.”

CRASH!

His face spun around just quickly enough to receive an almighty knuckle sandwich. Thanks to the Demon Deal, all the power he’d drained from his Aqua had suddenly returned to its vengeful owner. The girl who just broke free of her cage to slam her glowing fist into his blue jaw with all her might.

“GOD REQUIEM!”

“GRAGGH!” His voice echoed out, sending his ass soaring from the stairs to crash land in a crater of marble pain. He clutched his jaw before snapping his head back towards her, “You bitch! I’m going to make you wish you’d never been born! Normally-!”

I saw this as a perfect opportunity to interrupt.

“STEAL!” I exclaimed. After a white flash of magic, his earrings appeared in my hand. His powers were gone, including the protections on his earrings. Sidenote, I was so happy I’d remembered to remove his underwear earlier…

He scrambled off the floor, clutching at his empty lobes, “Shit! G-give those back! I need-!”

Still glowing, still needing many years of retribution, his Aqua landed on the ground nearby. Ready to rapid fire requiems until his ass was a puddle on the floor.

“Aqua, wait.”

This wasn’t him, but another voice entering the room. We all turned to see… Darkness.

It wasn’t my Darkness though. Wearing only a body stocking with a scar across her left jaw to make her distinct, this was the other one that had been a giant lumbering statue. She was carrying her Megumin on her back–an exhausted weak bundle–while Chris and the others all followed her in.

“Let's kill him together,” said Darkness, prompting a nod from Aqua.

Looking back and forth between the looming girls with pitiable eyes, “H-hold on, we’re still a party right?”

They descended on him like a pack of wolves. It was almost hard to watch, being the somewhat recipient of the retribution. As they kicked, sliced, and punched the armoured man as hard as they could, Chris’ group joined us.

“I have so, so, so many questions,” said Chris.

“You guys actually won?” asked Aerith.

I gave a triumphant exhale, “Yeah, we did. We legit beat the Demon King.”

“All not thanks to me!” said Aqua, winking at me while poking at the calendar.

“Um… sorry, but… why are there two of people?” asked Yunyun, seeming very confused, “We were fighting a big armoured guard, then it turned into Darkness?”

I would have filled her in, but she reminded me of someone else I needed to be focusing on, “Long story, I’ll fill everyone in later. We should first check-”

“IT’S NOT OVER!”

Though he was getting absolutely destroyed by his party, it seemed the other me still had some life in him. Maybe he had one last trick up his sleeve. I could see him getting ready to unleash some sort of counter attack against all of us.

I would have probably done something, if a masked demon hadn’t appeared out of nowhere to suddenly pull a hair from Aqua’s head.

“Ow!”

Vanir said nothing. Crossing the room towards the demon almost silently before presenting the hair to my other self. A single blue strand pinched on either end.

Dark Kazuma didn’t see Vanir, unleashing his final attack which amounted to him just thrashing his arms about in blind fury.

And destroying Aqua’s strand in the process.

“Moi word! It appears you’ve hurt a single hair on the poor idiotic Goddess’s head!”

Dark Kazuma looked confused then very angry, “Wha-?! Vanir! You piece of shit!”

FWOOOSSHHH!!!!

A fiery pit suddenly and violently opened up in the center of the room. Aqua jumped into my arms in shock as the lighting of the dark room became baked in reds and oranges. Rising from the fire was a woman sitting at a brown desk. She was demonic in form but clearly very bored in nature. An ashen grey face with bloody red horns under a short violet bob cut. Dark blue eyes with darker rings under her overworked expression. Wearing a plain grey suit with blue tie you’d see salarymen wear back in Japan, tapping away on her desk computer just like they would too. Her voice was somewhat nasal and all overworked business.

“Satou Kazuma of Earth. You have wilfully broken a Demon Deal, arranged at 18:03, stating that at the loss of a game of rock, paper, scissors, that you ‘will not harm a single hair on another person’s head’, correct?”

“What?! Who the fuck are you?!”

Vanir–the only one of us grinning instead of panicking–answered gleefully yet quietly, “Tis the Oathkeeper’s Clerk, Boy Who Shouldn’t Have Made A-Demon Deal He Wasn’t Prepared To Keep. She is the one demon you never ever want to see.”

Hellish chains suddenly sprung up all around Dark Kazuma. Clamping down around his neck and wrists, tying him to a circle of flames that surrounded him. He tried to struggle in vain, unable to make any headway in freeing himself.

“Do you have any defence against your actions today?” The Oathkeeper’s Clerk asked with a yawn, voice clearly going through the motions.

“I, uh, i-it’s Opposite Day! Check their Calendar! Opposite Day means I’m supposed to hurt the hair!”

With an unimpressed frown, she slowly turned towards me and Aqua, “Is this true?”

She looked at us just in time for me to burn the last few embers of the Calendar away with my tinder spell. With a nonchalant shrug I shook my head, “That’s just a thing kids say when they want to get out of something bad. He’s being a sore loser.”

“NO! GRAAGH! I’M SUPPOSED TO WIN!” He roared, seeing the writing on the wall for his demise.

The demonic secretary simply turned back to his screaming panic, “I see. In accordance with Demon Law, you will now be removed from this plane of existence and spend the next one thousand seven hundred fifty two years as a denizen of hell. Appeals could be made at the high court, but they are out golfing this millenia. Have a nice day.”

After one final press of her enter key, the chains of hell began to drag down my doppelganger into the flames. We all heard his voice echoing out, “NNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” before he left this plane completely.

We were left flabbergasted by the sudden and dramatic turn of events.

However Vanir didn’t let the moment stick, swiping the stolen earrings from my hand and placing them on his ears. “Moi is normally no longer allergic to loneliness! YES!” He pumped his hand in victory as we all stared on in continued shock. “Moi needed these ones to reverse the curse.” He explained while removing them from his ears again. “Barbara, before you go, Moi also needs you to burn these forever. Demon favour.”

Vanir tossed the earrings to The Oathkeeper’s Clerk. She raised an eyebrow at him, looking briefly down at the two Ns before typing on her computer again. “You only have one more of those after this, Duke Vanir.”

“Moi understands, but it’s important,” said Vanir with a gratuitous bow. After a mutual nod the flaming desk began sinking into Hell once more, “Be seeing you, Barbara.”

“Mhmm,” She hummed disinterestedly.

We all once more stood in the quiet room. Demon Kazuma gone into the pits of hell, hot secretary lady along with him. It felt almost too quiet.

“So… that’s it?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t raising any flags asking this, “Like, it it? We wrapped up everything?”

“Not everything,” said Tifa from the hallway.

We all joined her out of the door where my clones had put my Darkness’ body. She’d fully turned into a demon while I’d fought my dark copy.

Oh, Darkness. Her blonde hair was now a complete contrast to her new indigo-blue skin. Fangs protruding outwards, claws broken out of her gloves, a pair of wings trying to escape the armour from her back. She still remained asleep, but was clearly troubled by dreams of hurting humans. An earring on her ear that would totally let that happen as well.

Everyone knew that true love’s kiss would normally awaken the sleeping demonic beauty. Which is why I stepped forwards.

“Careful, Kazuma,” Megumin warned while grabbing my arm. “Darkness is a demon now…”

“She might attack as soon as you wake her,” Tifa agreed, “And if she’s anything like your counterpart we might be in for another fight…”

I looked over their attack stances ready to defend us from this ‘secret boss fight’, then back to my Lalatina.

I smiled.

“You guys really need to have more faith in her,” I snarked, walking up to her sleeping form. Her face looked so beautiful even amongst the demonic growths.

“Trust me,” I mumbled and latched my lips onto my future wife.

After several seconds I detached from her, watching as new yellow tinted eyes fluttered awake.

Thin cat-like pupils looked around, then focused themselves on me, quickly growing angrier with every second as her new sharp teeth hissed at me.

“...K-Kill! KILL!”

Everyone gasped behind me. I could hear their armour and weapons click, everyone ready to throw down.

“KILL YOU, KAZUM-!”

SLAP!

I slapped her tit.

Her eyes twitched in surprise.

“Buh-?”

SLAP SLAP SLAP

With her boobs still bouncing around pointed my finger in her face, “Shut the fuck up you stupid masochist slut. You’re mine, remember? I order you to turn back to a human already.”

Her eyes grew even angrier. Her breath deepened. A hiss rising from her throat as we shared a deep intense stare off.

Then she closed her eyes.

“Mm!”

Let me tell you, never has one of Darkness’ inappropriate moans of pleasure ever been so positively received. Everyone sighed in relief, for once not looking at the ‘gasming girl in pity, but happiness.

I hadn’t been worried though. There’s three things in life that are certain; ****, taxes, and my Lalatina’s fetishes.

She looked up at me with those big hopeful eyes. Even behind all that demonic bullshit it was still her and those desires in there. “Kazuma, I think it’s normal for me to turn back into a human with one more kiss, don’t you think?”

I barely had the strength to hold myself back long enough for one final quip. “Of course, how could I forget?”

Our lips locked for much longer this time. The shape of her body morphing and changing inside my embrace. Cold lips grew warm again, sharp corners returned to soft edges, and though I might miss her weird snake tongue it was for the greater good. I didn’t even bother watching her transform back. I was just happy I would see her face again when I opened my eyes.

We’d won.