Same Old Haruhi

To be totally honest I only kind of heard what she was saying. Sure, I remembered it well enough later, but that’s only because of this next part.

I’m not ashamed to admit my tongue was hanging out a little. Like, I was literally salivating. All of those Rom-core porno books my mom choked down like semen weren’t nearly as full of crap as I’d believed. It was so ridiculous; ridiculously huge, ridiculously thick, ridiculously close to my shoulder, ridiculously tasty looking…

As my mouth inched closer, and my hyper-erect nipple threatened to slice apart the back of my seat, I was thinking that I had to see it erect, at least once. I was a little bit heady, lotta bit horny, and… well, enough excuses. 

I went for it. Before I knew I was going for it I was going for it, and once I realized I was going for it the gravy train of going for it didn’t stop going for it. Inch away, rod bared, juice gushing into my sling, my respectably long tongue wiggled in anticipation and—

She looked down at me. That was the first time I saw her eyes, I think, definitely the first time I noticed the color. Her finger pressed into my forehead. It was more prohibitive than anything else. It was my first taste of what would come later, what I’d think back on whenever anyone would spout that particular theory. Because right then, she made all of the rules.

In that moment, she was God. 

“I, um…” I stuttered, unable to think of an excuse and momentarily unable to understand why one was necessary. I took a whiff of the cockhead not an inch from my face, and shuddered. She narrowed those eyes, judging and eternally bored, and made a proposition. “Prove it.”

I blinked. “Ah, what?”

“Prove to me that you are,” an extra finger dug into my forehead with every term, “an alien, time traveler, or Esper, and you can finish what you started.”

I was at a loss for words. I think the whole class was at a loss for words. I personally believe that that sentence hunted down and drove the words extinct like they were Dodos. My eyes shifted down to the cock, the slit watching me with as much or more judgment as its owner, and came to the heartbreaking realization that it was attached to a crazy person.
Nevertheless, I tried. 

“I’m… from… Mexico.” I said. Looked her dead in the eyes and said it. I think somebody snickered. Space hadn’t even occurred to me. In that moment I was absolutely sure I could pretend to be Mexican if she wanted me to.

She removed her fingers and used the same hand to slap me across the face. I just stared ahead, wide eyed as I had to catch myself from falling out of my seat. 

“Listen up! I’m tired of fucking normal people!” she declared, looking away to address the rest of the class. “So if any of you want any of this,” she hefted her cock and the whole room held their breath, “you have to prove to me that you’re something more than ordinary! Someone from space, from the future, from another dimension—anywhere but the drab existence you’re all satisfied with! My name is Haruhi Suzamiya, and normality will not be tolerated!” She looked around the room, letting the words settle over everyone’s rampant arousal like gentle snowfall, (A+ in English, thankyouverymuch), before settling down and letting the introductions continue just as awkwardly and painfully as she wanted them to.

I guess that made me disillusioned. In the days that followed, I’m almost sure that every single person in my class attempted something to prove to Suzamiya that they were a fit for one of her ridiculously inclusive categories. But for some reason, I just couldn’t muster up the will to get crazy about her cock anymore. All I could see was the obnoxious, hyperactive, condescending person attached to it, and even her admittedly awesome tits couldn’t stop that from being a major turn off. 

It helped that I maintained a three desk distance between us at all times; I was disillusioned, not superhuman.

*written by Engine