Sam (♀) and Sam (♂) read Cora and Cerebia read Bad Sex by Zeebop

Sam (♀) lay face-down on the bed, a bag of frozen peas wedged between her asscheeks. It was true, there was such a thing as too big—or insufficient prep. She wasn't sure which. All she knew is that she might need stitches, and she wasn't happy about that. At least she had a new review to look through.

From the floor by the bed came a steady dying moan from Sam (♂).

"I think it's still in there," he said.

Sam (♀) glanced over the edge of the bed and verbally confirmed to him that it was, in fact, still in there. Sam (♂) groaned again.

"Have we ever reviewed anything by CaptainAngel77 before?" She asked.

"No," Sam (♂) croaked. "They've got a bunch of stories, but never signed up for masochist mode."

"A pity," she said. "I feel like we owe them. Anyway, Cora and Cerebia were good enough to read about a few of our adventures..."

"You would think the title would be a warning, but no..." Sam (♂) moaned. "Oh fuck, I think I'm going to try and pull it out. Tell me if I start bleeding."

"Can't, busy," Sam (♀) said as she began to read aloud. From below, came the little gasps of agony, the long silences, and the odd squishy, organic sounds as something far too large was extracted from an orifice that had been, until recently, far too small—culminating in a gasp and a whimper, the thud of something heavy hitting the carpet, and a sudden sharp coppery smell.

"Can I...have the peas?" Sam (♂) asked.

"No, get your own," Sam (♀) said.

Turns out trying to read through the entirety of it is ****.

"I can't tell if they're talking about Bad Sex or Lois Lane's Night Out. Either would qualify, I suppose," Sam (♀) mused.

"I have a feeling Zeebop just wrote this story as a joke."

"Actually, it was a bit of a challenge," Sam (♀) said, as she heard her masculine counterpart drag himself along the floor, probably to get some ice. "As much to them as to the reader; it's very difficult to think of all the ways that something can go wrong, and then write them, in a satisfactory manner."

"And in the third branch, it turns out Sam fucked his own grandmother. God, the dialogue is just making this worse. This makes Hard Candy look like a masterpiece."

"Fuck you!" Sam (♀) yelled at the page. "The whole point of this is that it's supposed to be bad. And not in a 'I-can't-fucking-string-two-sentences-together-and-then-they-boned' kind of bad. This is supposed to be gutwrenching, visceral, boner-killing material. I rather think from the reactions it succeeds."

"Oh, c'mon," Sam (♂) said as he staggered back into the room, holding a towel over his butt. "You know somebody's fapped to it. No matter how degenerate you write something, there's someone sick enough to fap to it and then complain it wasn't hardcore enough."

Sam (♀) grunted. He was probably right. She felt the bed shift as he eased himself down next to her, and she shifted the tablet over so that he could read too.

"Some of these endings don't feel like endings. Birthmark could easily have been merged with Crack Goes Her Hip and Weak Heart."

"It is really difficult to write an ending, or so I'm told. Although you'd think major injuries, ****, and climactic revelations would qualify," Sam (♂) said. "Although if anyone wants to combine them all in one, you're more than welcome to add to it, I'm sure."

Zeebop has also misspelt some words. It's 'same' and 'accident'.

"They are," Sam (♀) reminded him, "talking about this bit:"

"I'm Shelly," she said to Sam, with a bit of a slur or a lisp. "I haven't really been the shame shinche the acchident."

Sam's (♂) brow furrowed. "Did they not pick up that was a speech impediment due to the deformity?"

Sam (♀) shrugged, then winced in pain as her buttocks clenched. "I guess not. But this is my favorite bit:"

How is he getting a boner?

Sam (♂) sighed. He looked at the ceiling, as though heaven would give him guidance, help him find the words he sought. Then he stared back down at the screen.

"I don't know how it is with women," he said. "But with guys, we can get hard and fuck anything. It is our superpower, and our curse. Fat, old, ugly, damaged, our own sisters—pussy is pussy. Or ass. Or a mouth. Hell, I've known colostitutes who..."

"I think we should all be grateful to Zeebop that he decided colostitutes were a step too far for Bad Sex," Sam (♀) said, cutting him off. "I think we should address the Daddy issue."

"Okay, I thought Sam was being a bit harsh but if Daddy is a pedophile then fuck that guy. Sam should just kill him."

"It sort of ruins the joke to explain it," Sam (♂) said. "But Daddy was meant to be creepy. An example of a certain breed of old male that will refer to any woman as 'girl,' regardless of age, and constantly says treats women in a patriarchal manner. He's not a literal pedophile. That would be against site rules, and Zeebop wouldn't have any interest in writing such a bastard anyway. But he definitely talks like one of those assholes from the 1950s. It may be Daddy is a little too creepy."

"Well, at least he wasn't a clown," Sam (♀) said with a shudder. "Although Zeebop could be saving that for the inevitable sequel."

"I'm glad Sam broke the bastard's dick, Cora."

"So am I, ladies," Sam (♀) said, and then realized, with a terrible sadness, that the peas had defrosted. "So am I. Thanks for reading. If you do go down the Lex Luthor path—fair warning. Zeebop was trying something different. It doesn't always work. And there are parts of it that make Bad Sex look like an episode of Friends. Shit gets weird."

"Hey Sam," Sam (♂) said. "Think I can fit my whole hand in, now?"

"Save it for the sequel, Sam. Got to leave the audience wanting more."