Ruminations

THEO

Theo was wallowing.

Well, that’s not what he would say if you asked him. He would flatter himself that he was processing last night, thinking things through, trying to find out how to handle things better.

He would be lying.

He was certainly thinking about last night, but the process more resembled a trapped fox trying to gnaw off its own foot. He had woken up alone and spent all morning thinking about last night. He remembered her words the day before - “Well, there's one way you could make me” - and fury rose in him again, fury and bile, and yesterday blended together with all the days before. “Well, there’s one way you could make me,” she said, lying in bed, tilting her head up, the iron ring on her black collar gleaming. “Well, there’s one way you could make me,” she said, naked, on her knees, her cheeks already streaked with tears, pale bruises forming where they shouldn’t. “Well, there’s one way you could make me” she said, already falling to her knees, fully clothed. “Well, there’s one way you could make me,” she whispered in his ear as they were in a bar with Anna. “Well, there’s one way you could make me,” she said, the notebook on the table between them, her breath hitching as he wrote down her limits. “Well, there’s one way you could make me,” she said, shaking, her eyes wide with fear and lust.

And his fury at her mixed with disgust, and with things he hated.

But he remembered other parts of yesterday too. “Only a little burnt,” she had said. She had said that a hundred times before, too, and it had made him smile every time. He remembered the very first time he made her spaghetti bolognese, early in their relationship. He’d been so worried about getting the garlic bread right that he’d forgotten to set a timer for the actual sauce, and burnt it very badly. He’d been so apologetic, but she’d told him it was ‘only a little burnt’. She hadn’t worn a collar, yet, but she had put her head on his shoulder that evening as they watched Lord of the Rings.

He knew she had tried yesterday. She'd been more than polite, she'd been courteous. Friendly. For a few hours, everything had been fine. And he didn't think she'd meant to say it, meant to bring it up, not in hindsight, but even thinking that thought brought the fury and all the memories back and it curled his hands into fists. Why did it matter if she meant it? Clearly she was the same old Nina, always pushing, always disregarding everything he did for her safety, pretending at submission while disobeying his most fundamental commands. Why should it matter that she tried? He had tried, last night, to be the best he could, given the circumstances, and what had he gotten in return? Her coy little line. Why should he try again? Why should he forgive her?

Because it's not her fault, one part of him said, and cloying guilt flooded him. She hadn't chosen to be here, but she had tried. She didn't mean to say it, he thought, and he knew it was right. He shouldn't blame her for an old habit - and then, all the times she'd said the words blurred together again, and he could not remember which one was yesterday and which one was half a year ago and which one was first, or last, and he didn't much care if he should blame her.

Be reasonable Theo! He thought, and it did nothing but expand his rage to include himself, for his failure, for being unreasonable, for having hurt her. Whatever Nina deserved, it wasn't that, and he hated that was who he had become with her. No matter how much he had enjoyed raging just once. But then, why wouldn't she deserve it, with her coy smile and black collar and -

No.

And Theo nearly screamed in frustration, because he was right. Whatever had happened she had not deserved being hurt. Called a bitch? Maybe. Physically hurt? Definitely not.

It's your fault too, his reasonable side lied. You could've stopped this at the root, if you'd been a better Dom.

So guilt mixed with his regret and his rage and his self- loathing and he walked grooves into the turf on the beautiful garden until the sun and the wind and the smell of flowers calmed him down, and he tried thinking clearly about last night.

And he remembered her words the day before - “Well, there's one way you could make me” - and fury rose in him again, fury and bile, and yesterday blended together with all the days before.

But, for all his experience feeding his own self-loathing, guilt, and remorse, Theo had little stomach for rage.

So he wore himself out as he walked in circles in the garden, until all his emotions were spent and his tears were dry. Food had appeared on a little table and, feeling his stomach rumble, he dutifully had some falafel, hummus, and some sort of sweet bread he wasn't familiar with. Thus sated, he laid down in the grass. He tried thinking of other things than Nina - of his girlfriend (he should go find her, and would, in a moment), of his night with Miriam tonight (should he make food? What should he expect?) of Chloe (how would he handle her crush? What would be the right thing to do?) and of the other girls.

But he was emotionally exhausted, had just eaten good food, and the gentle breeze made the sunlight bearing down mild and warm instead of burning hot.

He did not think very long.

CHLOE, NINA and ANNA

Chloe was rather bewildered as to how she’d gotten into this conversation.

Well, not so much the how as the why.

She’d left her room, brooding slightly, thinking of Jessica, and of Theo, and Joanna, and went to get some food when she saw the other girl - Well, the other woman, Nina. She’d been sitting at one of the tables at the central recession, and Chloe could hardly just ignore her. So she had sat down, noticed Nina’s puffy red eyes, and offered her a tissue (they were on the table).

Miriam and Anna had emerged from their room slightly later, while Chloe was trying to work out what to say. Miriam had poured herself a cup of coffee, asked Nina if she needed anything and, after a curt - but not unfriendly - ‘No’, left the group.

Anna was not deterred, however, and sat down in front of her friend.

“That bad, huh?” she asked.

“I fucked up big-time,” Nina replied, and Chloe had no doubt she was fighting back tears.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Anna said. “What happened?”

“Everything went fine, at first. A little awkward, but… fine. We even joked a little. Then we watched Labyrinth - “ Anna scoffed, and Nina rolled her eyes “- yeah yeah you don’t like it, whatever. Anyway, it was… fine. I actually managed to relax. Like a fucking idiot.”

“Hey!”

To Nina’s surprise, the voice was Chloe’s.

“Don’t call yourself that. I haven’t a clue what happened between you and Theo in the past or last night, but you don’t strike me as an idiot. You don’t get nowhere by being mean to yourself. So… stop, darn it!.”

Nina and Anna both looked stunned at the younger girl. Nina cracked a rueful smile while Anna tried not to chuckle at the ‘darn’.

“Yeah, well, I acted like an idiot, in any case,” Nina replied, and Chloe acquiesced.

“What did you do?” She asked, as gently as she could.

“I was a brat,” Nina replied.

“Oh please,” said Anna. “A little bit of bratting wouldn’t cause…” - she gestured at Nina’s whole body. “What did he do this time?”

Chloe didn’t like the way Anna said that, like Theo was obviously the one at fault. She didn’t know what Nina had done, or what being a ‘brat’ meant, but she did know Theo, and he was always the gentlest person around. Maybe he did like spanking Joanna - Chloe still couldn’t quite wrap her head around that - but whatever she thought of it, it was clearly all consensual. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt Nina, she was sure.

“I used one of our old play phrases,” Nina said. “And he called me a bitch. Exactly like when he was breaking up with me.”

“Wait that’s all he-” Anna started, but Chloe interrupted her.

“The transformation. ‘Sticks and stones’ or something. It scales with how much he means it, doesn’t it?”

Nina nodded. “I’ve had whippings that didn’t hurt as much. And he didn’t even follow through! The coward! Just like always, hiding behind his respectability and his safety an-”

A cough from Anna interrupted Nina’s rant, and, to Chloe’s surprised she looked almost bashful.

“Shit I’m sorry, this is all new to you, right?”

Chloe nodded, eyeing the older woman.

“What’s a… play phrase?” she asked.

“Oh that’s… Just what I call it,” Nina said. “One of the phrases I used to communicate with him when we were… playing.”

Chloe nodded, still looking intently at the other woman.

“This one was for when I wanted… more-” Nina hesitated for a moment, then plowed on. “Oh, if you're squeamish, you'll need to get over it eventually. More pain. More control taken away from me. It was a stupid thing to say.”

“Still, he didn't have to be an asshole about it,” Anna replied.

As for Chloe, she had no idea who was really to blame here. Best she could figure, it sounded like Nina had demanded -or, asked for? - something from their past relationship, and Theo had lashed out about it? She wasn't sure how “using a phrase to ask for more pain” translated into a sensible relationship, but she isthought it might be like if her ex had come and asked for a blowjob while she was dating someone else…

…

So maybe Chloe did think it sounded a bit like Nina had been the one to fuck up here. Still, she didn't deserve to be hurt over it, and she was clearly regretful.

“Give me a moment,” the young philosophy student said, and stood up. She didn't walk far, just two tables over, and returned with a bowl heaped with ice-cream, which she offered to Nina.

“That's your solution?” Nina scoffed. “Drown my sorrows in ice cream?”

Chloe shrugged. “I can eat it myself if you don't want it.”

Nina chuckled, reached out, and took the bowl from the younger woman.

“Thank you,” she said. “For the ice-cream, and for listening and trying to help. Even though you barely know me, and I'm your friend's ex.”

“You were crying,” Chloe said, as if that explained everything.

Anna chuckled. “And what am I, chopped liver?”

Nina looked up at the other woman and laughed. “Oh, we both know you owe me, bitch.”

“Of course I do, bi - Nina”

Anna just barely managed to catch herself, but Chloe saw the sadness that passed over Nina's face.

It seemed just as deep as anything to do with her ex.

JESSICA

Jessica was walking through the eerie silence of the “shops and services” floor. She hadn’t spent much time exploring the day before, and she needed to walk.

She was thinking about Chloe, of course. About their falling out yesterday, and their conversation this morning. She kept replaying Chloe’s little moans in her head, and blushing as she remembered the way her friend had nearly leaped at her to kiss her. She could almost feel the ghost of her good christian lips on hers.

But she wasn’t just lost in fantasy, she was rehearsing. She hadn’t been ready to explain yesterday, so she was making sure she’d be ready tonight, or tomorrow, or whenever they talked. So she prepared her explanations in her mind, went through what she would need to say, tried to anticipate the questions Chloe might have.

There was an issue with the whole thing, of course.

Which was that Chloe wasn’t entirely wrong.

But before she could rue on that too much, she heard a voice behind her.

“Hey! Jessica!"

The witch turned around and saw Miriam walking up to her. The girl was still wearing her chainmail bikini, while Jessica had changed into a pair of jeans, a top and a cardigan. But she was also carrying a… wicker basket with something?

“Hey Miriam,” the witch responded, waiting for the other girl to catch up. “What's up?”

“Just out for a walk, really,” Miriam said, offering no explanation for the wicker basket. “You?”

“Trying to clear my thoughts,” Jessica replied. “I had a bit of an… argument yesterday."

Miriam nodded. “Anything you wanna talk about?”

Jessica considered this for a little while, eyeing the other girl. She didn’t know Miriam, but she seemed honest enough.

“I just…”

She sighed.

“I made out with Chloe last weekend, at a party. But then, yesterday, she noticed that line Ishtar said, about turning straight girls gay, and she's convinced that's the only reason I kissed her.”

Miriam cursed internally. She had a wide variety of skills and experiences, but dealing with other people's relationship drama was nowhere on the list. Still, she'd offered to talk, so she used the tools she had available.

“That's rough buddy.”

Jessica chuckled. “Really, Avatar?”

“Sorry, bad habit. But, uh, that does sound rough? I can't imagine her crush on Theo makes it any easier.”

Jessica raised an eyebrow. “Her… crush on Theo?”

“Yeah, didn’t you hea- right, no, of course you didn’t hear that. Well, when Ishtar was introducing you two, that’s how she phrased it. ‘hots for her TA’ or something. She said it during her little **** speech, too - ‘no matter how much I want him’”

Jessica’s brow furrowed. She had been busy freaking out at the time, but now that Miriam mentioned it, she did remember. Great, another complication.

“Not that I needed Ishtar to tell me,” Miriam continued. “Chloe has a lot of self-restraint, but she’s not the most subtle person in the world, and I’ve been playing D&D with them for months and months now.”

Jessica nodded. She couldn’t imagine Chloe putting the moves on Theo in front of Jo, but the girl did sometimes wear her heart on her sleeve.

“Well, I was already expecting pushback just getting her to realize she’s Bi,” Jessica said, hints of exasperation creeping into her voice. “If I have to explain polyamory to her, too, I think she’s going to explode.”

Miriam stopped at that, and gave Jessica a long look. “Yeah?” she said. “And how are you so certain that she’s bi? It’s not like no straight girl has ever explored things in college.”

“Sure,” said Jessica, nonchalantly. “But they don’t keep blushing every time they see you.”

Miriam’s raised eyebrow reminded Jessica a little of Theo, but the nerd apparently thought better of saying whatever she was thinking.

A moment passed between them.

“Well,” said Miriam finally. “Have you had any breakfast yet?”

Jessica shook her head. “I went out through the garden, not the lounge.”

This earned her another raised eyebrow and a shrug.

“Well, there’s plenty of food here,” Miriam responded, walking over to one of the silent booths - this one staffed by a tall statue of a scorpion-centaur monster-thing in beautifully painted sandstone - and asking for a tray of fruits and dates. Jessica was shocked to see the statue nod and start placing the food in a clay bowl.

“Holy shit,” she said, quietly. “That’s… so wild to me.”

Miriam nodded. “Yeah it… took me a moment to get over the first time I bought something. But they don’t charge for the food.”

Jessica nodded, and took the bowl of fruit as the scorpion-man shopkeep offered it to her.

Another few moments passed in silence as they walked, but this time the reason was quite simple - Jessica was eating a date. And a plum. And then also a peach, followed by a few grapes…

“So,” she finally asked, wiping a bit of juice from her lips. “What did you buy?”

“Oh, just… an outfit,” Miriam responded.

“An… outfit?”

“Yeah, I have my… my date with Theo tonight. I thought maybe getting some sort of magic outfit -”

Jessica scoffed.

“What?” Miriam demanded.

“Really? You’re just gonna prance around in some sexy outfit for Jo’s boyfriend?”

“It’s not like that!”

“Then what is it like?”

Miriam sighed and turned to face Jessica fully. Under normal circumstances, she’d hesitate to cause a scene like this in the middle of the street, but the only things here were statues. Magical statues, maybe, but statues.

“I just thought that maybe trying to appeal to the audience wouldn’t be the worst idea. I’m not gonna fuck Theo!”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “No, you’re just gonna show off for a bunch of anonymous perverts in front of him.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I don’t think it’s a great idea to antagonise the people who have the power to brainwash me, Jess!”

“Don’t call me that!” Jessica replied, both their voices slowly rising. “And what, you’re just going to roll over and do whatever this fucked up pervert game wants?”

It was Miriam’s turn to roll her eyes. “Of course not, but you’re the pagan here, so tell me - does it usually go well for the people who defy the gods? You heard Ishtar - ‘by hook or by crook’”

The barb about her religion clearly stung, and Miriam almost regretted it. But Jessica shot back before she could apologise.

“Whatever. Go be a slut for the audience if that’s what you want. Just remember Theo has a girlfriend.”

With that, Jessica turned on her heels and walked the other way.

THEO

Theo wasn’t sure when he woke up from his nap, but he was feeling much better. Still emotionally exhausted, but better. He got up, brushed the twigs and grass from his clothes, and walked to the elevator.

The door opened before he got there, and his spirits lifted as Joanna stepped out. She looked straight at him, and they both smiled. Theo nearly leaped forward, and they were in each other’s arms in a moment, first hugging, then kissing, both of them kissing the other like they hadn’t seen each other for months.

But before their kisses could become something hotter, deeper, Joanna stepped back. She smiled and Theo, gave him one last kiss…

And smoothly sank to her knees.