Rider (Medusa) - Finished Route, by eval.vmare

“Gina, did you know that people die if they are killed?”

“No, Marcie but you are soon dead, if you don’t stop with your anime bullshit.”

“Well, lucky for you, Rider (Medusa) - Finished Route, by eval.vmare is a story set in the Fate/stay night universe. Perhaps THE quintessential Visual Novel.”

“So it IS more anime bullshit.”

“Well, it is a game, so technically…”

“So was the Donald Duck game, which didn’t have Donald Duck in it!”

“Hm, but did you also know that we almost used a picture of Saber and Rin as our original cover?”

“I don’t know who that is, Marcie.”

“So, just for this special occasion I decided to put it in.”

“WHAT THE FUCK!”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Fuyuki City, Japan. You are Shirou Emiya, an amateur mechanic who attends a shool called Homurahara Gakuen in the city.

“Typo in the second sentence of the story. We are off to a swell start.”

“What the fuck is this first chapter? This is just about some fuck going to school and then some other fucker kills him but then he gets healed but then the fucker is back and what the fuck?”

“Yes, the author opts to go a middle route between explaining the setting and moving very quickly through it. I would usually recommend to stick with one or the other because this pleases neither side.”

“Or how about you please all and don’t write shitty weeb fanfiction, you fuck.”

“Our protagonist becomes an unwilling participant in the holy grail war and has to fight numerous figures from legends with his own champion, in our case, Medusa.”

“The pacing in this bitch is way off! You have over 70 chapters to work with. Slow down, you fuck!”

“Can’t believe I ever hear you say that, Gina.”

Rin jestures to the church. "Have Rider remain outside and keep watch. Let's go talk to Kotomine.""Okay. Rider, I'm going in." You say. "Be careful, Master." Rider cool replies. She stands vigilant in front of the church as you walk in with Rin. "Kotomine!" Rin shouts. "Ah, Rin. What can I do for you?" Kotomine replies. "Cut the crap, Kotomine." Rin snaps. "You know exactly why we're here."

“I mean look at this shit! This fucking paragraph has four fucking different people talking in it!”

“Fascinating. Even after a hundred stories this is genuinely a first. Yes, you don’t want to do that. With perhaps some very rare exceptions, having more then one person talking in the same paragraph is never a good idea.”

“So this dense fucker gets a very quick and basic explanation of what the shit is going on and just rolls with it. Like he really gets into this battle thing fast!”

“Author assumes the reader is familiar with the characters. The problem is, that this is basically a what if scenario of the visual novel in which Shirou ends up with a different servant so you can’t just skip over these aspects of the story.”

But since you are not a regular mage, I am not getting Mana from you. By giving me your seed, you replenish my Mana reserves with your own and fulfill our contract."

“Guess I can’t complain about the lack of sex for once.”

“There are very few sex scenes in the original visual novel. So, it appears the author wanted to correct that.”

“Eh...I don’t care for them but they are inoffensive enough.”

“That is high praise coming from Gina. Good for you, author.”

"Ah, you must be Fujimura-san. Shirou told me about you. As you can no doubt see, I am blind and was in need of assistance."

“WAIT WHAT! She’s blind? When the fuck was that established?”

“I mean, she is not actual blind, Gina, she is just pretending to be.”

“...oh.”

“I guess you didn’t see that coming!”

“ugh.”

" But I've got my eye on you and if you try one thing..!"

“And neither did Rider!”

“...”

“Don’t worry, Gina. Blind people can’t get offended by it.”

“Now look her...I mean, shut up, already!”

“pfft… It appears you don’t have an eye for my jokes. Perhaps by reading more you will see more clearly?”

“...hhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrgggghhhhhh...it’s the next morning and protag is about the head to school. Who the fuck goes to school under these circumstances? See, this is why I hate this anime bullshit.”

“...see?”

“FUCK OFF!”

“Alright, alright. But look on the bright side. Shirou changes his mind and does not go to school after all.”

“Instead we get introduced to our first dickbag of the story. Some dweeb named Shinji.”

"Of course! I'll win the Grail and make the Matou family great again! Just you see!"

“What trumpery. But we also get to lay our eyes on Saber aka best girl.”

“So, I was meaning to ask, why does this bitch look like you Marcie?”

“Funny that you say that. I am quite often liked to Saber. Noble, courageous, kindhearted, blonde.”

“Probably her appetite as well, given the fuckload of pictures of her swallowing food.”

“Silence, smug Rin!”

“Ok there’s a picture of that bitch looking all edgy and shit, so that’s nice. Guess what? It’s the only fucking picture in the story. Would have been nice if we got a picture of Medusa. You know the main heroine!”

“Only people with no writing talent rely on pictures in their stories, Gina.”

We're at chapter 12 of the 73 chapter Rider route.

Thanks for informing me how much shit is there to still go. Way to crush my spirit, asshole.”

“At least the chapters are short, so I think we can finish this one proper for once, even if it means going over our usual 50 chapter limit.”

Eye of the Taiga

“I want to hurt this author, Marcie.”

“I am not bailing you out of jail again, Gina.”

“That was one time. And engin deserved it.”

“...moving on, it is the next day again and this time Shirou heads to school.”

“Meaning my complain about anime bullshit was absolutely valid.”

(Flashback sequence: Emiya Residence. Rider's managed to get you alone for a brief moment. She whispers to you, "If you are in need of me, call my name and I will come. If it is an emergency do not hesitate to use a command seal." *Flashback end)

“What the fuck?”

“Is this...actual text or is this the author’s cliffs note for a scene he needed to write later? I genuinely can’t tell.”

“Not that it matters because asshole douchebag Shinji decides to kill Shirou in the middle of the day at school...are there no police in this world do stop this?”

“Clearly it was a crime with no eyewitnesses.”

You're hit with a massive of speed as Rider picks you up and carries you away faster then anyone can blink, barely escaping the fight with your head intact. You were there one second, then you were just... Gone. Vanished. In less than one second's time. Not even Saber could track Rider's boosted speed as she carries you off into safety.

“That has to be one of the most redundant ass paragraphs I ever came across. Holy fuck.”

“It is cute though. I like it when guys are carried bridal style by girls. It is even better when they are to wear a wedding dress.”

“You have the weirdest fucking kinks, Marcie.”

“One day you will see eye to eye with me, Gina.”

You and Rider make it to the park as you head downtown to pick up groceries to restock your fridge and pantry.

“Ok, I know I said that a lot so far, but this time I really mean it: What the actual fuck, author?”

“Last chapter ended with Shirou narrowly escaped with his life and this is how the next chapter opens. With him shopping for groceries. Yeah, I am sorry but Gina sees it clearly for once.”

“About fucking time.”

“But because of this ill conceived shopping trip we see another fan favorite Illyasviel von einzbern.”

The girl looks and sounds like she's no more than around 10 years old, but since she's a homunculous she actually 18 years old.

“Riiiight, sure thing there, buddy.”

“Fate is responsible for creating many archetypes, some consider to be unnatural. For example Illya here as the bratty but oddly promiscuous child.”

“Normal people call that a lolita, Marcie.”

“I prefer the term loli.”

“So jail bait here invites Shirou to her castle, which she apparently owns and is right outside town.“

“The treck to the castle is decently written. It nicely sets up the atmosphere but it really could have been done in one chapter instead of two. The first chapter has four paragraphs and the second six. And mind you, these aren’t particularly lengthy paragraphs either. The longest one has five lines.”

Liz leads you into the dining room. The dining room could easily seat a small party.

“I mean, I should hope so? Would be a pretty shitty dining room if it can’t even host four people.”

“I think the author thinks more in the lines of 20 to 30 people, Gina.”

“No, that is a big party, Marcie. A small party is four or less. Five to ten is medium. And everything above ten is huge.”

“Actually Gina, according to google a small party is between 10 and 20 people.”

“Well google is fucking wrong!”

“...I think we should probably move on.”

"But he's not perfect., Berserker here lacks speed, subtilty, and most importantly, steath.

“Is this the author fucking up or the little brat to dumb to remember big words?”

“The later would be more endearing, which means it is absolutely the former.”

No offence but the chapter was rather dull.

“Oh stop your whining you entitled shit, you have no idea what dull is! I mean yeah, it was pretty ass but at least it was short which is more then can be said of 90% of the trash I am to read because of that bitch Marcie.”

“Gina, please stop insulting the readers and the authors and me.”

You can feel your cock harden and rubbing against Illya's panties through the fabric of your pants.

“I don’t think Mare has thought this one through. Even if the brat is totally 18 year old, I swear officer, that doesn’t change the fact that Shirou gets off by what looks and acts like a ten year old.”

“I mean look, I am not defending …”

“Marcie, just stop…”

“She may LOOK like a ten year old…”

“Marcie…!”

“But if you close your eyes…”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Marcie! This has to be the absolute fucking worst joke you ever made!”

“Eh, you know what the say, it is in the eye of the beholder.”

“ MC strikes an alliance with the little girl. They get a bonus maid out of the bargain too and head back home. Meanwhile...”

The duo has just finished investing the Temple where Caster was thought to be hiding.

“A temple doesn’t strike me as a good investment. If you want to know my current stock picks…”

“Shut up, Marcie.”

A/N: I added a link to skip the fight if you want to. It is four chapters long. O.o .. But it is possibly one of the most significant fights of the story.

“No Gina.”

“But the stupid Mare is offering!”

“These chapters are so short, we probably spend more time bickering then reading them.”

“You know what is starting to really piss me off, Marcie?”

“As in singular?”

“The fucking author notes! Almost every fucking chapter has some “clever” quip by the author. Save that shit for the comments, you smarmy bitch.”

“Eventually, Shirou ends up fighting archer.”

"Oh? And why is that? What did you do to her?? You Monster!" Archer let's out a hmmph and small laugh. "Listen to you. Righteous to a fault. I was once like you, Shirou Emiya." "I'm nothing like you!" You retort. "Oh? Is it not true that you aspire to be a hero? That you place all others above yourself, even to the point to allow yourself to be harmed or killed for a stranger?" Archer asks.

“I think I figured it out, Marcie. This author just can’t drama.”

“Hmm… I genuinely think his insistence to not break up the speech into individual paragraphs is what kills it. It just creates an extremely hectic atmosphere, like watching an episode of Speed Racer. Ah, the BGM I choose works on sooo many levels, it is a thing of beauty.”

"It won't be that way for me! I'm better than you!" You exclaim. "Then prove it by fighting me."

“Anime was a mistake.”

Yeah, this is a big fight of the story. Probably one or two chapters for Shirou to win,

“pffft.”

“Crap, Marcie has that look again.”

“I am sorry, Gina it is just, this author has just about crossed over into endearing territory with how obliviously incompetent he is. It is adorable! I bet he forgot to wear pants to school at least once in his life.”

“Don’t be gross, Marcie.”

"And that is why you must allow me to take him home for rest." Rin shakes her head. "Rest alone won't help this time. I'm coming with to help him out. He's probably the only chance we have to win this war now with Archer gone."

“Then maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t have fought each other. YOU STUPID DIPSHITS!”

“Since Archer is now , Rin joins Shirou’s harem. Illya is also there.”

"I'm going after Shinji." You say. "He tried to kill Tohsaka because she refused him. Not to mention he corrupted his servant and is abusing Sakura. He must be stopped."

“WHEN THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?”

“I am not a fan of show don’t tell, but this is the case were it applies. I mean Shinji is absolutely a douchebag but this is the type of stuff that needs to be seen.”

“They fight Shinji and Saber. Shinji gets turned into stone but Saber is a hot chick so she survives and joins MC’s harem. Well, that was anticlimactic. I was hoping we get a whole extended chapter were the fucker gets tortured.”

“While this is going on...”

Berserker steamrolls Assassin

“This prick really likes spoiling his own story, doesn’t he?”

“Gina please. Everybody could have seen that coming.”

Our friend is already up there with her servant Berserker fighting Caster right now. And as strong as Berserker is, Caster might win."

“Why did they even split up in the first place? Why didn’t the two of them go after douchebag first and then go for the mage bitch? Why is everyone in this story a moron?”

“Berserker falls but Shirou finishes the job, which causes the final boss to appear. Gilgamesh. Which the author is strangely incapable of spelling correctly.”

Giglamesh and Saber dash towards each other in what is sure to be an epic battle!

“Will it? Will it, really?”

Saber and Giglamesh remain locked in an epic battle.

“Oh, ok thanks for clearing that up, author.”

She gasps heavily as she wields Excalibur while she fends off Giglamesh. Gilamesh looks like he hasn't even began to fight.

“Eep.”

“And Marcie just climaxed.”

“S-spelling the same name wrong, twice, both times different and back to back, I...I never seen such a gross combination of incapability, Gina. It is delicious! I want to take this author and...and…”

*highly inappropriate graphic description of violation and sexual harassment*

“Do you need a moment?”

“Yes…”

“So, while we wait until Marcie finished getting off on your idiocy, author. Let’s see what else happens. Hmm...Saber fucking dies. Ok, then there’s a fuckload amount of anime bullshit fighting Gigla/Gila/Gilga/mesh until you got bored and the heroes win, yay.”

…

“Douchebag Shinji gets saved because..? I get not killing him because of your ethics and bla bla bla but saving the little shit? That’s were I draw the line.”

…

“Then it’s a timeskip to one year later we get a three paragraph long epilogue and...”

For now, this is...

THE END.

“Well, that was fucking sudden!”

“Alright, I am back, Gina. What did I miss?”

“Just finished off this crummy story. You can thank me later.”

“There appears to be some bonus content but it seems just be some sex scenes that didn’t make the cut and since we are well over the 50 chapter limit…”

“Wow! That was shit!”

“You exaggerate Gina. You didn’t even need therapy this time.”

“Yes, but just because I have seen bigger crap doesn’t meant this wasn’t crap!”

“The biggest issue this story faced was pacing. 76 chapters may sound like a lot. But most of them were very short. It constantly felt like the author was rushing through the story. The amount of typos was also a real eyesore.”

“The best thing about it was the sex.”

“...really, Gina?”

“Because it was actually decently written unlike the entire rest of it.”

“The author certainly had a good eye for it.”

“...”

“Anyways, I do hope this review was…”

“Don’t you fucking dare.”

“...eye opening.”

“UGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!”

“Maybe we meet again, but for now, this is…”