Q & A Podcast: Episode 1

The following is a transcript from the audio version of Payback Podcast: Episode 1, as documented within the Harem Hotel fan wiki.

---

[A chiptune rendition of Harem Hotel theme plays]

Azure: Hello, and welcome to the first episode of the Payback Paycast, the only official podcast of Harem Hotel: Payback edition. I’m joined by my lovely assistant, Alison.

Alison: Yes. I am here.

[The music dies down]

Azure: I’m also joined by all the contestants, both active and eliminated, as well as the Master himself, Levi Summers. They, along with Alison and me, will answer your fan mail.

[A pause follows]

[Azure clears her throat, expectantly]

[An even longer pause]

[Azure clears her throat louder and more frustrated]

Alison: But mistress, aren’t you worried that the questions will contain spoilers for the players?

Azure: Excellent question. That is why the show is taking place in the Dreamscape, a realm that our cast is joining in their sleep. Or, that is to say, a temporary version of them. Only the most significant parts of their personality make up their dream avatars, so some of the subtleties may get lost. Thus, their reactions may slightly differ from how they would in real life.

Alison: Wow, you’re really selling me on the premise.

Azure: The point is that they won’t remember this when we’re done, and there will still be opportunities for unique reactions if the information in these questions comes up in the main show.

Alison: Thank the lord.

Azure: With all that out of the way, I have selected one question for each participant. It goes without saying that the contestants are **** to answer honestly

Alison: But not you, correct?

Azure: Enough waiting around. Let’s get right into it. Hello, cast! Are you all excited to be here?

[Cacophony as nine people all talk at once. After a few moments, they are all silenced]

Azure: Oh dear, it looks like that won’t work. Let’s make it so that only one person can speak and hear at a time.

Alison: Very good.

Azure: In no particular order, let’s start with Elena Mendez.

Elena: Damn it.

Azure: Oh, and by the way, for those of you only listening to the audio, Elena is in her princess form despite going to sleep as an Amazon. I suppose that, within dreams, her subconscious still views herself that way.

Alison: Interesting that Jezebel is how she is then.

Azure: Of course she is. Why would she ever think of herself any different?

Alison: Good point.

Azure: Wait, did you agree with… I mean, of course, I make a good point. Anyway, here’s a question for the Princess.

Do you have any feelings for Levi? I get that he’s your friend and all, but also you were very quick to get naked in front of him.

Elena: Damn it, this is so embarrassing. I… I guess I never thought of him romantically. I mean, we have been friends since we were kids, and I didn’t start dating until after I had moved.

[Sounds of Elena shuffling in her chair]

Elena: I will say that when I transformed, taking everything off felt like… I don’t know… it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe that had something to do with the whole Amazon thing, but the idea of him seeing me like that didn’t bother me. If any of my guy friends had to, I was okay with it being him.

Azure: Aw, how wholesome. Thank you for being so honest, Elena.

Elena: I mean, I didn’t have a ch…

Azure: Stop talking now.

[Elena goes silent]

Azure: Let’s go to our second contestant, Kaitlyn Peterson. By far, Kaitlyn got the fewest questions, with only 3% of the responses. Poor girl. Even among the audience, she’s overshadowed by her sister.

Kaitlyn: Shut up!

Azure: Though, considering dear sis mostly got hate mail, it may be a blessing to have the audience’s apathy.

Kaitlyn: Just ask the stupid question.

Why are you so afraid of your sister?

[The sound of struggling is heard. Kaitlyn’s voice is muffled as she attempts to resist speaking. Finally, it all spills out]

Kaitlyn: I’d need more time to list all the reasons. Just to start, it scares me when I can’t predict what will trigger another outburst.

[Kaitlyn grows faster as the words spill out]

Kaitlyn: She doesn’t listen to me. Any time I tried to suggest something she didn’t like in the past, she told me exactly why it was stupid. At the time, I didn’t realize it was fear. After all, she was so popular and successful at everything she did. I just assumed she was right and I was an idiot.

[Kailyn resist some more before continuing. Her voice wavers]

Kaitlyn: But I was lying to myself. I was just scared she’d stop loving me if I disagreed.

[Kaitlyn begins sobbing]

Kaitlyn: And now that finally happened. She hates me. And a part of me doesn’t care.

Azure: Oh wow. This is getting heavy.

Kaitlyn: Fuck you! Those weren't my word. You made me say it!

Azure: I just made you speak. Your soul picked the words.

Kaitlyn: I hate you!

Azure: We should move on to someone who is less than a downer. Sophia!

Sophia: Uh, oh.

How much are you loving the idea of practically being an anime character? Do you think you’re going the female protagonist?

Sophia: To be honest, I was secretly excited when I got that transformation. I hoped it would let me live out some of my fantasies. But I’ve been disappointed.

Azure: Oh?

Sophia: Yeah, it’s just been the same “accidental pervert” gag repeatedly. Like, how basic can you get? It’s as if whoever’s in charge of it has only seen barebone anime parodies and assumed that was all there is to pull from. Either that or they only heard about the medium secondhand without ever watching an episode themselves.

Azure: How dare you! I’ve seen Cowboy Bebop!

Sophia: Uh huh.

Azure: As well as all of Miyazaki’s work.

Sophia: Name one other anime director.

Azure: I... well... oh no. We’re out of time for that question. Let’s move on to Ji-Woo.

Alison: Flawlessly handled, ma’am.

Azure: Here's your question Ms. Summers.

Do you honestly believe that you have done nothing wrong towards Levi? Didn’t you sleep with his dad before the divorce?

[The sound of Ji-Woo fidgeting in her chair is heard]

Ji-Woo: 난 그 사람을 다치게 하고 싶지 않았어요...

Azure: Oh, clever. Trying to get around being **** to speak by doing so in another language. But, I must insist you start over in English.

[The sound of Ji-Woo struggling is once again heard]

Ji-Woo: Damn it! For the thousandth time, I never claimed to be faultless! I acknowledge that Levi experienced distress because of what I did. However, I made it clear to his father from the beginning that if we were going to continue our relationship, he needed to sort things out with his family.

Azure: Sure you did.

Ji-Woo: I love Scott, but I admit he went about it the wrong way. And I barely knew Levi. If I had known he was so… sensitive… I would have encouraged Scott to handle the situation differently.

Azure: Right, because only a sensitive crybaby would be upset that his family got destroyed.

[Ji-Woo’s chair scoots as she gets to her feet]

Ji-Woo: Fuck you! You have no idea what a destroyed family means!

Azure: I doubt your Master would care much about your family’s prior government troubles. If anything, I assumed that would have made you understand how important parents are to their children.

Ji-Woo: How dare you!

Azure: My apologies. I was speaking for the Master. Please forgive me.

Ji-Woo: That’s not...

Azure: Let’s take a quick break from the active contestants and go to an eliminated one.

Jezebel: Why ya pointing at me?

Azure: Because I was talking about you.

Jezebel: Oh yeah. L-O-L.

Hey Jezebel! I’m a big fan. I hope you enjoy being in the shop and do not have to worry about the game like everyone else this season.
I want to know what you plan on doing in Levi’s life after this is all over?

Jezebel: Yay! You’re so lovely! Smooch! I love my shop. I get to meet so many hot people there. And there are lots of toys I could get myself off on. I wish I could buy some, but I’m broke, and Azure won’t let me sell my body for cash.

Azure: To be clear, I just said you can’t sell it. You’re free to give it out for free.

Jezebel: Wow, thanks! That’s way less math! Uh, what was the rest of the question again?

Azure: They want to know what you’ll do for Levi after the show.

Jezebel: Oh, anything he wants. He owns all my holes and is SOOOO smart, so he’ll know what to do with ’em. I’m hoping he lets me blow him in the morning. And the afternoon. And the other ones too.

[Jezebel starts panting]

Jezebel: I really hope he likes nipple play. Oh, I got an Idea! He can pump me with a ton of babies, so he can drink my titty milk for breakfast. Oh gawd. Please do me, Master. Fuck me. FUCK ME SOOOO HARRRDDD

[A crash is heard as Jezebel falls out of her chair. Wet noises then follow, along with moans, as she loudly masturbates]

Azure: My word. Let’s leave her alone for a bit. Always lovely to have you, Jezebel.

[Jezebel’s moans are silences. Though the wet sound of her finger can be heard in the background]

Azure: Olivia, you’re next.

[Olivia scoffs but says nothing]

Are you looking forward to being a pathetic, weak, soft-bodied slut when you inevitably refuse to fuck your rightful Master?
I think that will be particularly fun to watch.

[Olivia takes a deep breath before proceeding calmly]

Olivia: Who wrote this?

Azure: It’s anonymous.

Olivia: I see. Well, to answer their question, I’m not looking forward to it because it won’t happen.

Azure: Quite presumptuous of you to...

Olivia: Secondly, you better pray to Christ that your name stays hidden. Because, if I ever find out who you are, I will PERSONALLY come to whatever fucking mothers basement you wrote that from, RIP YOUR FUCKING FINGERS OFF ONE BY ONE, AND SHOVE THEM SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THEY PUSH YOUR EYES OUT!

Azure: Wow, such a mouth. You’d better keep your bedroom locked, writer.

Alison: Harem Hotel is not legally responsible for any murders committed by contestants against non-Harem Hotel participants after the show. Please refer to the official guidelines on our website.

Azure: Let’s move on to someone a bit more carefree. It’s your turn, Tomoko.

Tomoko: Sure.

How do you plan to seduce Levi to get more children by him?

[Tomoko laughs]

Tomoko: More kids?! Nah, that ain’t anything I’m planning on any time soon.

Azure: Oh really? Why not?

Tomoko: I can barely take care of one little guy. It wouldn’t be fair to him to have another.

Azure: But it wouldn’t just be you taking care of him anymore.

Alison: Mistress, you are presuming for the Master again.

Azure: You are correct. The Master is free to take a more patriarchal role and leave the child rearing to the women, should that be his wish. My apologies.

Tomoko: Even if Levi gets his ass in gear, he hasn’t even graduated High School and has no job. And I’m a total mess who can’t stop letting my baby down.

[Tomoko's normally chipper voice grows progressively pained]

Tomoko: I mean, I couldn’t even keep him safe. He doesn’t even remember who I am.

[Tomoko pounds her fist onto her leg]

Tomoko: Damn it! Why am I such a shitty mom!

Azure: Holy crap. Where did this come from?

Alison: So much for your ‘carefree’ answer.

Tomoko: You want carefree, Alison?! Then tell your boss to give me my son back!

Alison: Mistress, Ms. Nakaya says…

Azure: I heard her. But that would be so boring, wouldn’t it? Aren’t rewards more satisfying when you have to work for them?

Tomoko: My kid’s not a REWARD!

Azure: You should be grateful he isn’t 18. Otherwise he’d be your Elimination replacement.

Tomoko: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?!

Azure: We’re straying off-topic. Let’s move away from this drama and go to our last contestant.

Alison: AKA, Lauren. Famously known for being devoid of drama.

Lauren: Go die in a fire, bitch!

Azure: Case in point.

Do you consider yourself to have basic critical thinking skills? How are you planning to not make everyone hate you?

Lauren: I have more 'thinking skills' than all the other sheep here. The slut, virgin, Latina, biker chick, and corpo-bitch actually believe they can whore themselves out to some loser, and everything will be fine.

Alison: Correction: Ms. Mendez is Hispanic American, not Latino.

Lauren: Meanwhile, I’m the only one actually trying to make a plan here.

Azure: Interesting view on events. And how does this plan, as the question asks, “prevent people from hating you?”

Lauren: Why would I care about that? I barely know these chicks, and they’re clearly too caught up in their prostitution bullshit to be of any help to me. Why would it matter if they hate or love me?

Azure: Does that include your sister?

Lauren: What? No, of course I’m not talking about her, dumbass.

Azure: Are you sure? Lately, you haven’t exactly been considerate of her feelings.

[Lauren lets out a short, curt laugh]

Lauren: Please. Kaitlyn’s a big girl. She’s probably already gotten over it.

Azure: I’ll let that speak for itself.

Alison: We’re done with the contestants, then?

Azure: Yes. It is time to move on to the man of the hour. The distinguished, the extraordinary, the fantabulous Master, Levi Summers.

Levi: Did you seriously have to bring me out on a throne?

Azure: Of course. The folding chairs the rest of us peasants use wouldn’t do someone of your sovereignty justice. Now then, your question:

If you could reduce one of the contestants’ transformative effects (including Jezebel’s), who would you pick, and how would they be reduced?
Ex: Merge Jon’s mind with Jez’s, allow Elena’s clothing to be swapped instead of destroyed, increase time limit for Olivia’s muscles, etc.

Levi: I... I should say John’s transformation. He doesn’t deserve... well... doesn’t deserve that.

Azure: Come now, there’s no need to say what you think makes you sound the most moral.

Levi: Well, Olivia seems really upset about...

Azure: Don’t worry about what they want. What do you want?

[Noise of Levi struggling persist for a moment]

Levi: I… ah… I want to tone down Tomoko's delusion. Even though I know what she thinks about me isn’t true, I still feel guilty around her. She thinks I’m a dad so much that even I’m starting to believe it. I have no idea how to even talk to her when I see her judging me like that.

Azure: There, doesn’t honesty feel good?

Levi: Please drop it.

Azure: You haven’t fully answered it, though. How would you reduce it?

Levi: Can I remove all of it?

Azure: That’s not what they were asking.

Levi: Fine! Uh, maybe make it so it only happens at night? Or perhaps she has to say it, but she knows it isn’t true, so we both understand it’s okay to ignore it.

Azure: Ooh, excellent pitches. Or another idea, we can make it so she stops believing it once you put a real baby in her.

Levi: That’s not what I was saying at all!

Azure: Oh, I’m just teasing, cutie pie. Don’t take everything so seriously.

Levi: Can I wake up now?

Azure: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We still have two questions for Alison and me.

Alison: I’m aquiver with excitement.

Azure: Here’s Alison. It...

[There is a pause]

Azure: Huh? This isn’t the one I picked.

Alison: Are you saying you made a mistake?

Azure: What? No, of course not. Here’s the question.

Hi Alison. You’ve been working at Harem Hotel a while, right? Have you ever considered hosting a season?

Alison: That sounds incredibly tedious.

Azure: Not to mention impossible! Alison, bless her, is what we call magically challenged. Her only abilities are detecting the utterance of her own name and teleportation. Poor thing can’t even levitate a feather.

[The faint sound of Azure patting Alison on the shoulder is heard]

Azure: Of course, that doesn’t detract from how much we love her.

Alison: Flattering.

Azure: That brings us to our last question, for your truly.

Who do you think the sexiest contestants are if you were to rank them in order?

Azure: Oh dear, that’s a tough one. I’m going to need a moment to think.

Alison: You pre-screened the questions. You would have already had plenty of time to...

Azure: The tricky thing is that sexiness is in the eye of the beholder, and the only ones whose preference matters are the Masters.

Alison: The question was for you, not him.

Azure: I KNOW THAT! I mean, thank you, Alison. If I were into humans and had to pick, hmm...

[Azure’s chair creeks as she leans back in it]

Azure: Tomoko has the most traditionally seductive body, but it can also be a bit too much of a good thing, like eating a whole cake instead of just a slice.

[Azure starts drumming her fingers on a table]

Azure: Lauren and Ji-Woo have the best asses, though Lauren has the goth multiplayer. Ji-Woo could definitely benefit from leaning more into her sexy, submissive assistant role, but that’s just my own observation. On the other side of the spectrum, Sophia has the market cornered on adorkable cuteness if that’s what you’re into.

[Azure stops for a brief moment to crack her neck]

Azure: Kaitlyn has the hottest reactions to sexual harassment, so if you get off on girls getting humiliated, she’s your bet. Other than that, the only thing she has going for her is her midriff. As for Elena, she’s really two separate categories. In that sense, her giant form is leagues ahead of ‘Plain Jane in Disney Princess Cosplay.’ Finally, regarding Olivia, she needs to show more of her skimpy side for me to judge. Even when she made the Master cum, she kept her clothes on.

Alison: So, your ranking, then?

Azure: From best to worst, my ranking would be Buff Elena, Tomoko, Lauren, Ji-Woo, Princess Elena, Sophia, Kaitlyn, and Olivia. But again, I’ll reiterate that this is just a personal opinion that does not reflect the show’s direction.

Alison: What about Jezebel?

Azure: She’s in her own category of uncanny-sex-valley. I’m not even including her.

Alison: As you wish.

[A cheery remix of the Harem Hotel: Payback Edition credits theme plays]

Azure: I do believe that is everyone then. Time to send you all back to your dreams.

[The shimmering chimes of a spell ring out. The soft sounds of contestants shifting in their chairs cease, as does the moist sounds of Jezebel masterbating, as they vanish]

Azure: Thank you so much, everyone, for listening to the pilot episode of our podcast. We got many questions from all of you lovelies, so if we didn’t get to you today, there’s always next time.

Alison: Assuming you weren’t in the 50% she threw out.

Azure: Such a jokester, Alison.

---

Transcript ends