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Q&A Podcast: Episode 3

Note: The following transcript is of Payback Podcast: Episode 2, as documented within the Harem Hotel wiki.

[A chiptune rendition of the Harem hotel theme plays]

Azure: Hello, and welcome to the post-show podcast for day four of Harem Hotel: Payback Edition.

Alison: Not everyone is present. We're missing the master, Ms. Peterson, and Mrs. Wolf.

Azure: Ah, yes. Well, as I mentioned before, this podcast takes place in their dreams, so occasionally they won't show up. Have you ever had a night when you don't dream at all?

Alison: I don't dream.

Azure: Well, sometimes, neither do humans. Such as when they're under stress.

Alison: Or they're awake.

Azure: Yes, they may be up to pee. In any case, Levi and Lauren aren't dreaming right now, and we have a schedule to stick to, so we'll make do without them tonight.

Alison: What of Mrs. Wolf? Is she not dreaming?

Azure: No, she is dreaming, but she drank herself to sleep out of guilt for her invention. Chick thinks she's Oppenheimer or something.

Alison: I do not understand.

Azure: ****-induced dreams are never stable. Best to leave her out of it for now.

Alison: A surprisingly reasonable suggestion.

Azure: As a reminder to our listeners, this is the contestants dream selves, so they are less complex than in real life. Also, I have enchanted them to answer truthfully. With that said, let's begin with our first letter. Addressed to a very special individual. Our first to break one hundred... Tomoko Nakaya. Well done!

Tomoko: Thanks.

Ji-Woo: Don't thank Azure!

Alison: I see you didn't mute the others this time.

Azure: Tomoko, we'll have a complete discussion regarding your accomplishment at the next kickoff. For now, on to her letter.

To Tomoko:

How many kids do you think that you and Levi will end up with?

Tomoko: I don't want more. I can barely raise my little guy. I'm too incompetent to give two kids a decent life.

Azure: Oh, only one child, eh? You might have trouble with that.

Tomoko: What d'ya mean?

Azure: Don't forget, you're on the mother/MILF transformation track. Depending on how the audience votes, you may find giving Levi decedents hard to avoid.

Tomoko: Shut your filthy mouth!

Azure: Wow, spicy. In any case, we'll have to sit back and see what happens. At the very least, you won't have to worry about having kittens like Sophia. Speaking of, let's move on to her question.

Sophia: Wait, when you said kittens, do you mean that literally? Or like hybrids like me? These transformations aren't genetic, are they?

Azure: You and the other girls will have to wait around and see. Assuming Levi doesn't get you spayed, kitty.

Sophia: That's not funny.

Azure: Agree to disagree. Here's your question.

To Sophia

If you could’ve been the master in your own season of Harem Hotel, would you want Levi in your harem?

Sophia: Me? A harem?

Azure: Oh, wow. What a fantastic idea.

Sophia. Me... a harem... like... this?

Azure: Ooh, you're face is so red, dear. Thinking about all those lads and ladies' hands all over you. Be careful not to stain the chair.

Sophia: Ladies? I never said-

Azure: Oh, shut up. Everyone knows.

Tomoko: Wait, knows what?

Azure: Okay, everyone except Tomoko, but that's par the course. Anyway, answer the question. Would you want Levi in your hypothetical, too-good-to-be-true harem?

Sophia: I guess I wouldn't want him.

Azure: Oh no! What a betrayal! You're lucky we're not playing right now, or you would have lost a ton of VP. God, what would Levi say?

Sophia: No! That's not what I meant. I mean, I wouldn't want to subject him to this.

Azure: Why? You think your treatment is cruel? But it's because of us you even met him. Do you hate that too?

Sophia: Stop putting words in my mouth.

Azure: You're right. Your words are done for now, lady. Let's move on.

To Elena:

Your day/night TF doesn't have to have a one or the other solution. Kiss Levi as you are changing and you can get out of the princess dress restriction before becoming too aggressive. Personally I think you look fucking fantastic as a Amazon so feel free to err on that side of the split.

Elena: Would that even work?

Azure: Excellent question. Alison, please read Elena's transformation.

Alison: It reads that 'Elina Mendez will swap between two different forms during the day and night. She can be permanently locked into her current form, using True Love's kiss.'

Azure: Hmm, based on the description, I suppose you could. However, I wouldn't recommend it.

Elena: Why?

Azure: As you may have experienced, the transition period between forms can be brief, but unstable. You might find yourself permanently incomplete if you paused at the wrong moment

Elena: Incomplete?

Azure: Sure. For instance, what if one arm were further developed than the other when you froze it? You'd be permanently imbalanced. Or what if your torso bulked up before your bones strengthened to support it? You'd collapse under your own weight.

Elena: Yikes.

Azure: Of course, you might also nail the timing perfectly. The only way to know is to roll the dice.

Elena: I think I'm good.

Azure: Speaking of incomplete, let's move on to Olivia.

Olivia: Screw you.

To Olivia

You have gotten several clues about Jezebel and yet you still haven't even guessed about who she used to be. Aren't you curious? Why haven't you even tried to talk to her?

Olivia: I've been busy.

Azure: Yes, you have been. Busy turning into Jezebel yourself, by the look of it.

Olivia: Fuck off! Anyway, Elena or someone told me that Jezebel was someone else before she became what she is. But everyone has some filter to stop them from telling me.

Azure: And any guesses?

Olivia: I don't fucking know. Someone who was a bitch to Levi once? A failed girlfriend? Some rando you pulled out of your ass? I know how petty you are.

Azure: You really have no idea.

Olivia: I don't know Levi's life, okay?

Azure: You should probably change that, considering your new role with him. You're fake lesbian hail merry will only get you so far in this game. You'll have to submit to him eventually.

Olivia: Fuck off.

Azure: Unless your goal is to never reach 100 VP. Perhaps you like your daddy not remembering you?

Olivia: I SAID FUCK OFF!

Azure: Seriously, though, I'm tempted to tell you who Jezebel is. But I wouldn't want to deprive Levi of the privilege.

Olivia: What are you talking about?

Azure: The master can tell you. He simply refuses to.

Olivia: I don't believe you.

Azure: Have you ever asked?

Olivia: Hmph. I have nothing to say to that guy.

Azure: You need to work on that attitude, or you'll be joining Jezebel. You'll understand who she is when you two become fuckbudies.

Olivia: I'm going to kill you.

Azure: So immature. In any case, it's not like you'll remember any of this dream, so there's no point in giving you more hints. Let's move on to the only one here even ruder than you: Lauren Peterson.

Alison: Ms. Peterson isn't here.

Azure: I know. Fortunately, we have a second Lauren to take her place.

To Lauren-Two

If you really want to punish Sophia for having sex with Levi and stealing his first time from you, what would be really effective is stealing Elena's virginity from Levi and blaming Sophia. He of course would think it was too hot to blame you so she gets all of his ire.

Lauren-Two: F-f-first, why would I care about his... virginity? It's not like I love him or anything. I-idiot.

Azure: Of course not.

Lauren-Two: And second, what the hell did I read?

Azure: I'm a little lost by the question, too. I mean, to start, Elena's not a virgin. And how would Lauren-Two blame it on Sophia? She's a winged, horned succubus. Kind of hard to mistake it for a catgirl?

Lauren-Two: That's not the problem, bitch! I would rather die than sleep with a girl. I'm straight, not a [CENSORED BEEP] like Tomoko.

Tomoko: The hell did you say to me?!

Elena: You bitch!

Sophia: It's not her fault; she can't control what she's saying.

Lauren-Two: This coming from the special needs kid. Tell me, how old were you when they realized you were [CENSORED BLEEP]!

Azure: Hmm, perhaps I dialed up Laurens' worst qualities a bit much.

Lauren-Two: Oh, you’re right. I meant to say ‘special.’

Alison: For the record, Harem Hotel Productions and its affiliated studios denounce ableism, homophobia, or discrimination of any kind.

Ji-Woo: 'Denounces discrimination?!' This whole show is steeped in misogyny!

Azure: It doesn't count if it's sexy.

Ji-Woo: That's ridiculous.

Azure: I think our secretary here is asking for her letter.

To Ji-Woo

Assuming you do manage to salvage a way through the harem hotel season? What next? How will you salvage a relationship with Scott whilst being part of Levi's harem.

Ji-Woo: I don't know. I've been tearing my brain apart trying to find a way to explain to him why I look younger, and I can't think of anything.

Azure: Oh, you don't need to worry about explaining away transformations.

Ji-Woo: Huh?

Alison: Harem Hotel adjusts reality so that normal people won't view the alterations as odd.

Sophia: You mean they can't see it.

Azure: That's not what Alison said. We make it so they accept it. In your case, Sophia, people will think it's perfectly normal that you're half cat.

Sophia: Normal?

Azure: Correct. At worst they may find it a quirky oddity, like blue hair, but it won’t break their sense of what’s possible.

Ji-Woo: I see.

Azure: But that wasn't the question. It was how you plan to handle your husband, now that you're a member of Levi's harem. Assuming, of course, you even gain enough VP for him to remember you.

[A brief moment of silence follows]

Azure: No use trying to resist. The compulsion to answer truthfully cannot be fought.

Ji-Woo: Fine. I plan to find an excuse to get us to move as far away as possible so I can put this behind us.

Azure: Put this behind us? What exactly do you think happens when you get back? Do you think your obligation to please Levi ends once you leave my care?

Olivia: Isn't it? Last I checked, your constant threats are the only reason anyone wants to deal with that guy.

Azure: Oh dear... You people don't understand the situation at all.

Elena: Because you never explain anything!

Azure: I may need to educate you better.

Olivia: Oh, this should be good. We're all ears, bitch.

Azure: You'd forget if I explained it now. Something for the real world, I think.

Alison: I feel we have gone off track. Should we move on to the next letter?

Azure: Excellent idea. This next one is addressed to Yours Truly.

To Azure

Why in the multiverse did you not punish Elena for attacking you? The bitch deserves a punishment for not seeing how great you are, surely?

Azure: Excellent question. As you recall, it was during the festival of Levi's cherry being popped that I allowed Elena to strike me.

Elena: Allowed?

Azure: I decided to be the bigger woman. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin the celebration with drama. It would be like starting a family argument at a wedding. This was Levi's event, and I didn't want to make it about me.

Alison: Very considerate. You so rarely make it about you.

Azure: In any case, I hope I clarified this little confusion. Now, let's move on to the other member of the staff, Alison. Who, in an unrelated bit of trivia, has the least amount of fan letters by far.

Alison: Your pettiness continues to charm.

Azure: Just a fun fact. For reference, that's a ninth of what Jezebel gets. Just imagine. Being less popular than the shopkeeper.

To Alison

You've work for Harem Hotel for a long time, right? Any career highlights?

Alison: I have been an assistant in forty-two seasons and cameoed in two hundred and twelve.

Azure: Unfortunately, I believe thirteen of the seasons are lost media at this point, aren't they?

Alison: It was very early in the show's inception, back when live presentation took priority over media preservation.

Elena: Wait, how long has this been going on?

Azure: It's not something a third-dimensional being would understand.

Alison: Regarding your request for a career highlight, I have no particular preference for one or another.

Azure: Come now, you must have some seasons you prefer. What about the one with medieval princesses and the knight? The haunted house season? Or, better yet, the one with the warring Japanese generals getting turned into their captives' concubines. Those were classics.

Alison: My only concern was that the season accomplished its objectives successfully. Beyond that, they are of equal value to me.

Azure: Successful, huh? So the canceled season with Nikola Tesla isn't a favorite, then.

Sophia: Wait, what?!

Azure: It's not that interesting. They only got two episodes before he figured out how to escape. Once he realized magic existed, he found the scientific applications of it and made an trans dimensional ship to explore the multiverse. Imagine being THAT determined to stay a virgin.

Alison: The officials had to make a clone of him to take his place on Earth.

Sophia: I want to know more about this.

Azure: Unfortunately, that's all the time we have.

Jezebel: What about me?

Azure: We'll start with you next time, dear. Get back to masturbating.

Jezebel: Yay!

[Transcript ends]