Progress

Doctor Sheryl came out and smiled.

“Good morning,Lauren, are you ready?”

“Good morning. I am.”

She felt slightly awkward as she stood because her bare ass stuck to the chair a little but followed doctor Sheryl into her office. There was a board with a list of names including her own. Next to each name was a number and next to hers was a 1. She guessed it was her level.

“Thank you.” Lauren said meekly.

“You’re welcome but, for what?” Said the doctor.“

“For not letting anyone... see me.”

“Lauren you’re very sensitive and at a crucial time in your recovery. I care about you and don’t want to create unnecessary challenges. Your body image issues would make others seeing you naked before you’re ready malpractice. That said, again you’re welcome. I’m happy to help.”

Lauren never felt like she had allies before. It was strange to trust someone.

“So, how are you feeling today?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“Is that a better feeling than yesterday?”

“Yes but, anything would be.” She said as nicely as possible.

“yesterday was highly traumatic but it’s not the end of your life. You can come back from this.”

Lauren started to tear up. How can she come back from yesterday? She wondered. it was the worst day of her life and it was probably public knowledge at this point. Definitely, knowing May. May told everyone the second after she was arrested. She just knew it.

“Everyone knows everything!” She shouted.

“Lauren, I can’t say who knows what about what happened yesterday. I’m not going to pretend like it wasn’t a very public trauma. It was. That said, you can still come back from this.”

“Everyone knows I was naked in public, my body was a lie, I pretended to be a little girl in a panic, I peed in front of others and had a thermometer shoved up my rectum without lube and then had to deal with it being inside me for an hour! On top of all that I couldn’t control my arousal so everyone thinks I got off on it!”

“Lauren, I can’t say how many people know. I can say you can deal with this. You are strong enough even if you don’t know it. The reason I know is because you’re able to talk about it. Before yesterday had you shared a single private thought or insecurity with anyone since you were a kid?”

Lauren really thought about it.

“No...” said realizing how isolated she was. She did feel better talking about it.

“But now you are. That’s progress. You are making better choices already. We can’t undo what happened but we can put your best foot forward and move towards self-acceptance.”

Lauren didn’t say anything; she hated herself or at least her body and her decisions. She wanted to trust the doctor. In fact she did but she thought she was too far gone. She didn’t think anyone could make her okay again.

“Did you try what we talked about last night?”

“...” Lauren mumbled .she didn’t want to talk about it.

“Lauren, I’m not going to be mad if you didn’t. I’m just checking on you.”

“I... did.”

“That’s great, Lauren. I’m so impressed!”

Lauren was remembering seeing herself and started to well up.

“I saw me. For the first time in years I saw me. All of me. I’m not a woman. I’m trapped in this body and nothing is going to make that okay! No one can love me, or even make love to me. I’m not attractive, I’m the complete opposite.”

Lauren sobbed and the doctor pushed her tissues forward and Lauren took them.

“Lauren, your feelings are valid. I don’t agree with them but they are how you feel and I won’t discount them. That said, you are not who you think you are. You’re also not who you tried to make others think you are. You are a kind soul who has some deep insecurities. You can’t expect others to love you if you don’t love yourself first.”

Lauren let that thought stir but didn’t say anything.

“If you can and are willing can you tell me more about last night?”

“I was already almost in tears before the gown even came off. I saw my flat chest, pudgy stomach, freckles, my stubby legs. I saw a little girl. I couldn’t even last longer than three minutes.”

“Lauren, you’re not the way you think you look. That said I want to focus on the positives of your experience. You committed to an act that is going to help your recovery. You also lasted 3 minutes. That is not as short as you think it is. When’s the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror without clothes?”

“I don’t know. I think I was 12 or 13.”

“So after an almost decade of fearing something you’ve done it for three minutes. That’s not small. That’s impressive.”

Lauren tried to fight back negative feelings.

“Do you really think that? Or do you just have to say that?”

“Lauren, I haven’t said a single thing I don’t actually mean since we met. That said, it’s more important you believe it.”

Lauren was going to make herself ****.

“You... don’t think i’m ugly or that I look like a little girl?”

“No, neither of those things are my opinion nor the truth.”

Lauren tried to believe her but after so many years it was difficult.

“How do you think I should recover?” Lauren asked.

“I don’t think it will be easy but I think you’re capable. Before I tell you though I have to tell you it’s going to sound unorthodox.”