What will Jade do?

“This better not be screw up my phone, Ron.” Jade was sitting at my table drinking a beer and waiting for The Ultimate Dating App to finish installing on her phone.

"Don't worry, it's nothing like that," I assured her. "And every one of my test phones works as if it's for me, even if I put a woman's profile. I just need you to run the test on your phone.”

“This is ridiculous,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“But also pretty cool, right? Like an actual mystery.”

“If it does what you say it does.”

“We'll see,” I said. “Are you ready?”

“Hang on, I'm just setting up my profile.”

“OK, but don't worry too much about that. You're just going to match with me.”

“Yeah, yeah. But still, I feel embarrassed to have a bad profile out there. It's like having a bad picture of you on the internet for people to see.” Then a half a minute later, she said, “OK, go ahead.”

I refreshed the app on my phone. I searched through a few profiles but couldn't find her. “I don't see you,” I said. Then I noticed a search function. I typed Jade's name and her profile popped up. But it didn't give me the option of matching with her. “That's odd,” I said, and explained the problem. Then I noticed it. “Jade, you goof. You set your profile as women seeking women. It won't let me match.”

She laughed. It was a playful laugh, like back when we were better friends. “Habit, sorry!” she said. A minute later she said, “OK, try again.”

This time her profile popped right up. I quickly matched with her. “Now you,” I said.

With a bored expression, Jade swiped and clicked and eventually found my profile. “Hey,”she complained, “this isn't really you. You made all this shit up!”

“Duh,” I replied. “It's not real. I'm just running tests. Match with me, dammit.”

“Whatever,” she said, rolling her eyes. But she did it. And immediately her expression changed.

“What the fuck is this?” she asked softly.

“Yeah, see,” I replied, still playing the part. “Mine says something different. Now see if you can view and select other profiles.”

She immediately obeyed and began swiping and clicking again. “ I can't,” she stated blankly. “It says I can only have one owner.”

“That's the problem,” I said. “I don't think it's supposed to do that, but it does it for all women. I asked-”

“Ron,” Jade said. “It's not just that. It's... something's weird.” She looked at me with a panicked expression. Then she quickly stood up. “I think I should go.”

“No, stay,” I said, as calmly as I could. Jade didn't move.

“Come closer to me.” She did, until she was within my reach.

“Tell me what's happening,” I ordered.

“I... I don't know what's happening," she replied nervously. "It says I have to do what you tell me. And it's like... it's like I know that's true. What the fuck is this thing, Ron?” She looked at the screen again and started frantically swiping and clicking. “Why can't I unmatch? Why can't I delete it? Why can't I... why can't I... why can't I get myself to leave?”

“Because I don't want you to,” I stated plainly.

I took in Jade's body in a way I hadn't in a long time – not since when I first met her, before I knew she would never be interested in a man. She didn't hate men, she just never felt any hint of attraction to them. No desire at all.

“I need to run some more tests, Jade,” I told her.

“Stop,” she whispered.

“Come over here and kiss me. Kiss me like you would kiss a lover you hadn't seen in a long time.”

Jade put down her phone, took another step towards me, grabbed my cheeks with her hands and pulled my lips to hers. It was passionate, it was erotic, it was amazing. I felt like she loved me with her whole being. After a few seconds I pulled back, dazed. At which point she slapped me across the face. Hard.

“You bastard!” she shouted.

“Freeze!” I shouted back, holding my tender cheek. Yeah, I deserved it. But I had to test it with something she would never in a million years have done. Now for the real test. I had thought this through before Jade arrived. This was the make or break moment.

“Jade, go back to where you were sitting and forget everything that happened after you matched with me.”

I held my breath. A moment passed. Then Jade walked back to the table and sat down in front of her beer. She looked at her phone.

“So, what am I looking for? What's the big mystery?”

I exhaled. Hot damn.