Feelings

Driving home, Jasmine wasn’t sure how she felt, with the exception of one thing. Jasmine Brown was absolutely in love with John Doe. So far, everything she has seen of him, done with him, had only reinforced that feeling.

Everything else was all mixed up, a jumble of emotion.

It was no secret that Jasmine was attracted to women. Everybody knew. And while Jasmine had come to terms with her new love, she hadn’t come to terms with the other feelings, the ones that weren’t so good.

Shame, for one, was hitting her harder than it ever had before. Not shame in being gay, but shame in betraying her LGBTQ friends. What would they think of her, abandoning them for a new way of living. Was she a traitor? Had she been lying all these years?

Even Kami, who Jasmine believed with all her heart, deserved to be with John, was probably thinking horrible things about Jasmine. The librarian had been able to push these feelings down when she was working on getting Kami ready for the date, or acting sexy and flirty so that John felt good in front of his nerd friends, but now that she had the quiet of a ride home? She couldn’t hide her feelings with only the road to distract her.

Well, the ride wasn’t exactly quiet. Kami was being Kami. Jasmine didn’t know why she would have expected any different from her wife. When they had started dating, Kami had been so physically aggressive, always making the first move, always taking it to the next level. It was more than frustrating, though, that it sounded as if Kami was going to have sex in the back seat when Jasmine had hoped to maneuver John into the bedroom when they got home.

No.

That’s not right.

It wasn’t frustration that she felt. It was jealousy.

Jasmine was so jealous!

“You two okay back there?” She asked, her jealousy getting the best of her.

“We’re fine,” Kami answered, then with a sneer, “mom!”

After all the coaching, encouragement, hard work that Jasmine had invested in getting Kami ready for the date. How could she be such a bitch?!

And that word Jasmine reserved for special occasions.

Pushing her foot down a little more, Jasmine increased their driving speed. If she got home sooner, the couple wouldn’t get a chance to copulate. By the sounds in the back seat, she didn’t have much time. It was no fair! It was Jasmine’s turn!

Of course, Jasmine wasn’t mad at John. The mere thought of laying blame at his feet was absurd. He should absolutely be allowed to have sex with any lesbian he wanted. Why wouldn’t he? Jasmine, for the life of her, couldn’t think of one reason.

But Kami was such a selfish bitch. It was strange. Jasmine had held her so close to her heart did so many years. Now that her feelings were eclipses by her love her love for John, though, she was beginning to think of Kami in an entirely different way. She was formerly her partner, her lover, but now she was her competition.

They were almost home. Traffic has been surprisingly heavy for a Sunday night, but Jasmine had powered through. Then she heard it. No! She was so close! Not now!

Just as she was approaching the train tracks that separated their neighbourhood from the main thoroughfare, the horn of the train sounded and the crossing light began to flash. All thought that she could speed through vanished as she saw the arms of the crossing gates lower and the train pass in front of them.

Shit.

She was heartbroken, but again, her feelings were all mixed up. She could hear noises that were obviously some sort of sexual act, and she was angry and jealous and disappointed and frustrated, but she was also elated, which surprised her. John was enjoying himself having sex with one of his lesbian lovers. That was something good, something he deserved! Hadn’t it been Jasmine’s own idea to introduce Kami to him, after all?

And so, as she watched freight car after freight car pass in front of her, Jasmine listened in on John and Kami’s time in the back seat, not understanding how she felt about it.