After class

"Gosh," said Fred, looking Hermione up and down with great interest. "What on earth happened to you?"

"You look like you've been in the wars," said George.

"None of your business," grumbled Hermione, trying to duck past them. She was hoping to get back to the Gryffindor common room, where she could go upstairs to the girls' bedroom and hide herself from the prying eyes of what seemed like every boy in school, but Fred and George were blocking the corridor. "Can you please let me through?"

"Is that..."

"...a carrot?"

"Shut up!"

"Hermione Granger," said Fred politely, "you will tell me and George exactly what happened, if you please."

"...Malfoy cast a truth-telling spell on me."

"Oh, really," said George.

"Yes," said Hermione, unable to restrain her tongue. The spell, unfortunately, hadn't quite worn off yet. "It was Professor Pervox's idea. I tried to resist, but I couldn't do it, because I'm only a weak pathetic little girl with no clothes on and all the boys can do anything they like to me. So I had to stand in front of all the Slytherins and confess my most embarrassing secrets to them."

"Fascinating," said Fred. "And what, pray tell, are your most embarrassing secrets?"

"Well," said Hermione, her cheeks glowing incandescently red, "I pretend I'm a sensible young witch, but I'm actually a dirty little slut who loves the taste of cock and masturbates three times a day. I have a big crush on Draco Malfoy and it makes my pussy wet when he tells me I'm a stupid little Muggle. Also, I like being fucked in the ass."

"Hilarious," said George. "But that doesn't explain the carrot."

"I had to be punished for failing to resist the spell," said Hermione. "So Professor Pervox held me down and slid a greased carrot up my bottom, while all the Slytherin boys watched. I have to keep it in there for the rest of the day. That's why there's a carrot up my bottom."

"This is giving me a prank idea," said Fred, thoughtfully. "Imagine a magic carrot that goes up a girl's bottom, and she can't take it out until she's run around the school with no clothes on."

"Pretty embarrassing to have to run around the school with no clothes on and a carrot up your bottom," said George.

"Yes," said Hermione, sourly. "It is. Can I go now?"

"In a minute," said Fred. "First, I was wondering if Professor Pervox did anything else naughty to you."

"Funny you should say that," said Hermione. "Because I did so badly in class, he put another curse on me. I can't disobey a direct order from a boy, as long as there's a carrot up my bottom."

"I see," said George. "Hermione, stop covering yourself with your hands."

"Eek," whimpered Hermione.

"Pinch your nipples," said Fred.

"Ow," murmured Hermione.

"Now," said George, "come with us to Hogsmeade. We need someone to advertise our joke shop."

"Particularly," said Fred, "we need a naked girl to stand outside the shop, playing with herself and shouting about what a pranked little loser she is."

"Yes," said George. "And she needs to have a carrot up her bottom."