Evening Conversation

We didn’t talk about it after coffee. Or breakfast. Instead, we went out skiing with her dad. A day of rest did me wonders. I was getting the hang of things and picking up more advanced techniques from the father-daughter pair. I kept expecting Kaylee to bring up last night on a lift, but she never did. I suppose that was to be expected. I don’t think that level of conversation could be finished in the time it took us to get back to the top. Lunch was a bust too. Instead, I had to wait until after dinner before we split from parents using the excuse of just wandering around a bit.

I got a hot chocolate and she got coffee from the small shop and found a private place near the giant fireplace. Neither of us said anything for a long time, both sipping at our drinks as we collected our thoughts.

Her hands tightened around her coffee cup. “What didn’t you like?”

“What?”

“Last night. You said you didn’t enjoy it.” She looked over at me. “What do I need to do for you to enjoy it?”

“I think you know—”

“Do I? When you told me you didn’t like it… I was terrified. The way you looked at me… I thought I’d fucked everything up.”

“You fucked two strangers in front of me! You did that expecting me to like it?” I immediately glanced around. Luckily, it was late so the lounge was sparse. Of the people here, none were paying us any mind.

“I don’t know, Scott! You never tell me anything. I saw how you watched those videos of me, the way you looked at me when I was with Sean and Adam. What was said in your room.” Her lip quivered as she looked at me. “I’ve never done anything like that before. Two guys one after the other… You sat there and watched me fuck them. If you hated it, one word would have ended it, Scott. One word and I would have immediately come back to you.” She wiped at her eyes. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Why? I didn’t know. I wanted to, yet I couldn’t. There had been something cold and distant to her last night. She was enjoying herself, but not the way I was used to seeing her enjoy it. I looked down at my hot chocolate. “I don’t know.”

“Fuck,” she said, taking a deep breath and wiping a tear from her eye. “That’s not how I wanted my first time with you to be. I didn’t even ask if it was okay with you, but when I felt you had an erection… I lost it. I wanted you so bad and I was afraid of letting the chance go by so I—”

“Kaylee… breathe.”

“Sorry.” She took a couple of breaths. “Man, I fucked up so bad last night. I finally get to have sex with you and I make you have sloppy seconds.”

“Technically, it was sloppy thirds.” She glared at me. “Not helping… Got it.”

“Is that what you’re into?” she asked shyly.

“No!”

She shook her head. “Come on, Scott. You have to give me something!”

“I… I don’t know, okay? This is all so confusing for me. All I know is that I sat there and didn’t like what I was seeing. That I’m sure about. What I don’t understand is why I was so turned on even though I didn’t like it. Is it seeing you with other guys?” I shook my head. “I thought it was at first, but watching those videos, I didn’t feel the same way.”

Kaylee was chewing on her lip again as she gave me a shy look. “Was that the same when you watched me with Sean and Adam?”

My heart was already hammering in my chest when she asked me that. I knew she would. She always brought those up even though I didn’t want to talk about them.

“No.”

“No…?” She was expecting more, but I didn’t want to say anything more. Anything more would **** me to admit something I refused to believe. Kaylee was a smart girl though. Too smart for someone like me. I didn’t need to say anything. My silence was more than enough. She looked away, focusing on her coffee. “Day after tomorrow.”

“Huh?”

“They told me that was their last full day here.” She was rotating her cup in circles between her hands. “I… I know what room they are staying in.”

“They told you?”

She nodded. “At the end, before they left. In case I…” She didn’t finish and I didn’t need her to. There was a long silence.

My mouth was dry. “Do you?”

Kaylee looked up, meeting my gaze. Her fingers tightened on her cup. “I will if you want me to.”

Neither of us said anything as we stared at each other. I opened my mouth to say no. Again, one word. One word and we would put this all behind us. Yet her eyes froze the word in my throat.

Nodding, she leaned forward and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. “Think about it, okay?” Her blue eyes held mine as she pressed her forehead against mine. “Whatever you need or want me to do, I will.”

Sliding into the seat with me, she rested her head on my chest. The silence grew as we watched the flames dance before us. The flames reminded me of my internal struggle. So beautiful, yet I knew reaching for them would only bring pain and hurt. I knew that.

Yet I couldn’t turn away.