The K.U.N.T.

"-I just can't believe you'd call a car that, Guzzle," you drone on. "I mean, it's one thing to call a female a cunt, slut, fucktoy, whatever, but a car? Especially one this magnifike...this gorgeiful...this rad? Totally uncalled for! Now, you're my partner, ok, but you're also a dumbslut, and that is just not acceptable if you're gonna be riding with me. Got it?"

Maxine has tried to open her mouth a few times, but each time you've just talked right over her. At this point, you can practically feel her **** glare, and you imagine you can hear a slight sizzle of rainwater as it boils off her skin from her sheer hatred of you.

She takes a deep breath, and opens her mouth once more. "Look here, you idiot, this isn't just a car, it's a -"

'k.u.n.t.'

"Alright, that's it!" you shout, marching over to your partner. "You're outta line, bitch, and I'm gonna teach you a lesson!"

Your hands reach out, and Maxine locks in place, just watching you come at her. You see her eyes glance down to your rock hard cock, and a brief glint of something - hunger? - flashes across her face. But just before your hands connect with her shoulders, you feel a sudden impact, and the world goes topsy-turvy.

Once your vision rights itself, you're sprawled on your back, staring into the sky. What the hell?

"What the hell?" you say, clambering onto your hands and knees.

"Fucking moron!" Max shrieks, clutching her sides as she laughs. She's standing right where you left her, but the driver side door to the car is wide open. You forget yourself for a moment as her laughter causes her tits to bounce, and you reach down to pump your dick a few times, imagining what burying your cock in those puppies is gonna feel like. But an unfamiliar voice pipes up, startling you.

'forgive me, sir, but my sensors indicated a heightened level of aggression emanating from you, and my protocol clearly states that the safety of the fine, slutty officers of the city of Girlsville comes before all else. sir.'

You glance around wildly, looking for the source of the voice. There's Guzzle, still laughing (fucking bitch). You glance back toward the police station, but everything is quiet up that way. And there's the car, door wide, an array of flashing lights and blinking panels visible on the dash even from here. It looks...futuristic. Kinda like one of those spaceships from those sci-fi shows you used to watch when you were alive, Star Journey or Galaxy Trek or something. Fuckin' boss. But there's no way... it couldn't be...

"Are you a ghost car?" you gasp, mouth agape.

'...no, sir,' the voice replies. 'i am an a.i., an artificial intelligence, placed within the apparatus of this vehicle and designed to expedite the apprehension of various alleged n'er-do-wells within the confines of the jurisdiction of the city of Girlsville. vehicle registration 11-21-14-20, designation number 1001011-1010101-1001110-1010100, Knight Unit Number Two. it is a pleasure to meet you, sir.'

You just stand there, hunched over, looking like some sort of malnourished Missing Link. Your brain is buzzing. There seems to be a radio tuning in your head, a low, dull hum of static rising and falling as you try to piece together what you just heard. You blink, slowly, take a deep breath and then -

"YOU'RE A TALKING CAR!"

Triumph.

"K.U.N.T., meet moron. Moron, K.U.N.T.," Maxine snickers.

You glance at Guzzle, then back to the car, brow furrowed.

"Cunt? But...?"

"Look, I know you're dumb, but this bit has gone on long enough," Max growls. "The car, moron, the car! 'Knight Unit Number Two' aka K.U.N.T.! You're such a fucking jackass!"

You stare blankly at her. "Oh. Ok, that's cool. Let's hit the road, then."

She sighs, exasperated, as you march over to the opened door, an idiotic grin spreading over your face. "I'm driving!"

"Like hell you are! You don't even know these streets, asshole!"

You shrug and plop your pasty ass on the leather seat, giggling like a child as a blue light erupts from the dashboard, sweeping over your face, your pathetic arms, down your emaciated body. K.U.N.T's voice speaks up.

'not to worry, Officer Guzz. as you know, i have a map of the entire city within my databank. i know every street, sidestreet, thoroughfare, highway and byway within the city, and have full capability of taking control at a moment's notice. rest assured, we will reach our desired destination with all haste. why, you yourself have driven hands free a number of times, Officer Guzz, choosing instead to enjoy my patented stress-relief features, including anal, oral, and vaginal stimulation!'

You glance at Maxine, shooting her a sleazy grin.

"Oh really officer Guzzle?"

She makes a pained noise and kicks the nearest tire.

"Shut up, you mouthy bitch!"

The blue light snaps off, and a small glass bubble on top the dashboard softly glows. A holographic rendering of you appears in a space above the bubble, arms out, legs together, slowly rotating in midair. It looks like a scarecrow with an erection.

"Check it out, Guzzle. T-pose for dominance!"

Max sighs disgustedly as she gets in on the passenger side, clicking her seatbelt into place.

'bio-scan complete,' K.U.N.T. says matter of factly. 'new officer accepted, resetting seat parameters.'

"Oh, don't move my seat!" Maxine whines, throwing her head back against her headrest in a fit of pique.

You grin as your seat and the steering wheel automatically adjusts with a whirr to your exact specifications, molding itself to your body to give you the most comfortable ride possible.

On the dash, a dark screen lights up, a green prompt blinking on a black background.

'new officer, what is your name?'

"David, his name is David!" Guzz shouts before you even have a chance to draw a breath. Uncool.

The screen types in the name, and a new line appears.

'Officer David, confirmed. Officer David, what is your codename?'

The stripper cop next to you buries her face in her hand, knowing what comes next. You grin.

"Officer David, Codename: Loose Cannon! Now let's go catch some bad guys!"

'codename: Loosecannonnowlet'sgocatchsomebadguys, confirmed. thank you.'

"Wait, what? That's not -"

Suddenly the car roars to life, and slams into reverse, throwing you into the steering column. With a screech of tires, K.U.N.T. whips around and plunges forward, blasting you back into your seat as it (she?) drives out of the parking lot, and into the night.

Dun Dun

Five Minutes Later

"I'm bored," you moan, kicking your feet, pressing the gas and brake pedals at random. It has no effect; the car (the cunt, you think ruefully) has been driving itself the entire time, ignoring all of your awesome commands. Drift through a parking lot? Nope. Burn out at a stop light? Nuh-uh. Mount the curb? Pfft, forget about it.

This is worse than when your sisters unplugged your Mintendo controller, and let you think you were winning, when they were the ones doing all the work. Girls suck.

'i am sorry, Officer David,' K.U.N.T. replies, her tone soothing. 'but i am afraid i have to take into account the safety of the citizenry whilst i am on the road. while certain, **** cases may induce a necessity to break traffic laws in order to serve justice, i am afraid that merely moving from one point to another in search of criminal activity does not warrant such **** measures.'

"Ha, small words, K.U.N.T., try single syllables for officer Limp Dick over here," Maxine chuckles, shifting in her seat. Since the ride started, you've noticed she hasn't been able to keep still, slowly writhing and arching. You hadn't realized over the sound of the engine before, but now as you listen, you can hear how labored her breathing is, faint whimpers catching in her throat. You lean a bit closer, and pick up the sounds of a faint buzzing coming from somewhere near Guzzle's bottom.

"...Officer Guzzle?" you ask sweetly, a creepy smile crossing your face. "Are you playing with your pussy?"

Guzz bites her full lip and turns slightly toward you, rocking her hips deliberately.

"Absolutely not," she breathes, shifting front and back. Then she smirks. "I'm playing with my ass."

Your eyes widen, and you blink in surprise. Then you begin to struggle with your seatbelt, grunting incoherently as you begin to tangle yourself in your haste to shove your cock down her throat.

Guzzle laughs. "What? It's been a stressful day, idiot, and I need a little...relief. Isn't that right, K.U.N.T.?"

'if you say so, Officer Guzz. would you like to indulge in my patented stress-relief systems as well, Officer David? i possess a number of features i am sure you would find stimulating.'

You stop struggling for a moment, your lust-addled brain trying to weigh your options.

Option A: Officer Stripper-Slut is using the car to somehow play with her tight, fuckable ass. You, oh master of all you survey, are filled with the urge to hatefuck her every hole until she's a sloppy, sobbing mess.

Option B: The fucking car is telling you it can get you off, somehow. You have...no idea what the fuck that would even look like, but you gotta admit, you're intrigued. I mean, how many times, even in Blowjob Heaven, are you gonna get this opportunity?