Try and make her laugh!

‘Ever seriously fantasised about killing someone at Christmas?’

Daisy’s laughing, her heels long since discarded on the floor. ‘Oh, you bet.’

‘Fine, that’s pretty Grinchy.’ You try not to let your eyes travel up from Daisy’s feet, up the long curve of her legs, all the way to her perfect little ass; it’s hard fucking work. ‘Bet I can still beat you, though. Do you have a detailed plan for disposing of the body?’

‘Teflon barrel and a bottle of hydrofluoric acid?’ When your mouth falls open, Daisy adds modestly, ‘I know, I know, it’s derivative. Watched too much Breaking Bad. Maybe we could tie some tinsel around the barrel to make it a bit more Christmassy.’

‘I take it back,’ you concede. ‘You may just hate Christmas as much as I do. Nice one.’

Daisy smirks. ‘Told you so. Okay, my turn. Worst present you ever got?’

You snort. ‘A dog chew toy.’

Daisy’s eyes fly open. ‘Wait, seriously?’

‘Yep.’ You’re feeling pretty good about your chances here. ‘What was yours?’

‘Fuck, I can’t beat that! Um…’ Daisy’s brow screws up in thought. ‘Wait, wait, I know!’ She grins toothily. ‘Last Christmas, my creepy Nazi in-laws gave me a steak tenderizer.’

‘A what now?’

‘A hammer.’ At the look on your face, Daisy smiles. ‘Yeah, that was essentially my reaction. I swear to God, it was this giant wooden mallet, with a metal bung at one end. I looked like I was setting off to build Noah’s ark.’

‘I genuinely did not know that was a thing,’ you confess. Daisy shakes her head.

‘Yeah, you and me both. I mean, honest to God, do I look like the kind of girl that wants to club her meat to **** before she eats it?’

‘It’s just so weirdly specific,’ you muse. Daisy nods sadly.

‘Yeah. Yeah, I thought that. I was trying to work out a polite way of asking what the hell I could have done to suggest I might want a fucking steak tenderizer, but then they stuck another Deutschland Does Christmas album on the stereo and I had to be forcibly restrained from tenderizing my own brains out.’

You shudder with sympathy, and Daisy giggles. ‘You win that one, though. No amount of novelty meat hammers could ever be as bad as a chew toy. I mean, seriously, what the fuck?’ She yawns, stretching. ‘I’m offended on your behalf, man.’

You’re about to respond when there’s a sudden cry from behind you.

‘No way! Are you fucking kidding me?’