Xavier summons he who should not be named!

“ME CYCLOPS! ME GONNA EAT YOU!” Roared the massive blue monster, leering down at Shadowcat who watched on as the horde of massive blue beasts continued to barrel into the energy barrier keeping them contained. Crossing her arms in distress, the petite woman was fearful that the massive blue bear of a man meant it, shivering at the sight of the beast’s yellow fanged teeth in a sneer of a grin… Though for the most part she was blushing red by the sight of his junk swinging between his legs like a pair of bowling balls and duffle bag. The members of the X-Men and Avengers had fully lost themselves to their transformation, using all their might to break free or indulge in each other when their tempers reached a peak. “MOAR! BLUE WIDOW WANT MOAR!!!”

“That thing won’t last for long…” Worried Jean, fretting as she witnessed the barrier shimmer and glitched from the constant barrage of attacks. “If that thing breaks, we’re going to have our hands full… OH GOD he’s here!” Taking on a look of morbid horror, clutching her hands to her face.

“Who?”

Pointing out towards the front of the mansion where the fountain stood, the two women spotted a yellow cab drive up and the passenger door open. “I feared this day would come…”

“Hold me!” Falling to their knees, the two women hugged each other tightly for emotional support, completely ignoring the massive horde of blue monsters behind them for the REAL threat that now stepped into the mansion.

*

Even before Xavier could see him, the man could sense his vile presence; his students running in a panic back to their dorms, the classes going into a silent fire drill to escape to safer quarters, and the noise… It grew in intensity until he could hear it behind his office doors. The dirge of the most notorious mercenary the world has ever known… Hollaback Girl from Stephanie! The doors were kicked open wide, the man Xavier had called finally arrived, dancing to his tape player strapped to his hip.

“Few times I've been around that track. So it's not just gonna happen like that. 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl! I ain't no hollaback girl!”

“Lord save me…” Pouring another shot glass full of bourbon, Charles swung back his drink and slammed the glass back to his desk.

“Wassap Charlie?” Winked Deadpool, his fingers pointing back at the professor like a pair of pistols before turning off his tunes. “Last time we got involved Logan was wearing an ice pack to his nuts and I was getting a restraining order from that Summers chick.”

“Deadpool… No doubt you’ve seen my X-Men and Avengers afflicted by the Blue Flu outside?”

“You mean the cookie monster convention doing the vertical monster mash in your backyard?”

“Yes Wade…” Pouring himself another glass full of bourbon, Xavier continued. “Victor Von Doom has weaponised the Blue Flu and has used my students and visitors as Guinea pigs to test his new weapon, he plans to set them loose on the public to conquer America.”

“He stole your plan?”

Breaking down into tears and collapsing at his desk, Charles slammed his fist onto the desk repeatedly, then wiped his face and tilted back his drink. “YES! I wanted a society of mutants who would claim the future of this country… Then that steel plated dick waffle had to turn my X-Men into a gaggle of furry fucks!”

Tilting his head to look out the window, Deadpool’s eyes squinted at the horde of giant monsters either attacking the energy barrier or getting tangled up in each other. “Yeah… There’s some furry fuckery going on out there.”

“Deadpool, I need you to go to Latveria, confront Doom and bring back the cure before its too late… I hate to say it but you’re my only hope, name your price and I’ll pay it.”

“Anything?”

“Yes, anything!”

Smiling under his mask, Deadpool pointed towards the corner of Xavier’s office. “Then I want that.”

Leaning over to look where the man was pointing, Xavier gave a look of confusion when he spotted his old wheelchair, collecting dust and still plugged into its charger. Ever since the last time his X-Men dealt with the Blue Flu, the affliction managed to both grant him his mobility back AND give him a full head of hair. In the past months he’s no longer needed it, the motorized wheelchair has sat in the far corner of his office building up dust and cobwebs.

“You want my wheelchair?”

“Yes.”

“My old wheelchair.”

“Yup.”

“The one I don’t need anymore?

“Uh huh…”

“The one where you can get from ANY health assist store or shipping order?”

“You got it.”

“… Why?!” Raising his hands over his head in confusion, Xavier was a loss for words.

“Because there’s a special Olympics go-kart rally coming up this weekend and the prize is a lifetime’s supply of Mexican food, and I want to make a lasting impression when I have those mobility-challenged motor heads eat my dust while I’m eating a super triple bean burrito!”

Breathing in sharply and closing his eyes, Xavier slumped his arms down and shrugged, giggling at the absurdity of it all. “Fuck it… Deal.”

“Great doing business with you Charlie and don’t you worry, I’ll have this fixed for you before your band of giant Muppets gets loose and pulls a fraggle rock on your campus.” Giving the professor a wink, Deadpool saw himself out, turning his tape player back on to dance his way down the halls back out to the front lobby of the school. When everything went quiet, Charles could hear Psylocke and Jean call out to the professor telepathically.

“Is he gone?”

“Yes, my X-Men, he is gone… For now.” A collective sigh of relief filled the campus, followed by whimpers and anxiety. Looking at the half full decanter of bourbon at his desk, Xavier looked back at the shot glass in his hand and shrugged, tossing the glass over his shoulder and downing the bottle in hand in one go.