conscience of the queen

"I really am sorry. I thought when you pulled me on you that you wanted to keep going."

"No, I...don't really know what came over me." My phone suddenly rang, it was Jason. "H-hey babe."

"Hey, baby, what's up?"

"Just...rehearsing for the play I told you about."

"Oh should I let you go?"

"Yeah, call me back later."

"Ok. Love you."

"L-love you too." I looked awkwardly at Whitney on her bed as I hung up from my Jason. "I think I should go."

"I'll take you home. "

"No! I mean, I can walk."

"Do you even know how to get home from here? And it gets really cold at night. I promise I won't do anything."

I could tell she meant it so I relented. We drove for miles in silence. I don't know what she was feeling but I was very confused. Why did I pull her on to me? Did I pull her on to me? Why did I enjoy it so much? It was just because I missed Jason right? For a moment it felt..."It's the one on the left." I told her as she slowed the car into the driveway. "Thank you."

Before I could leave she grabbed my wrist, "I wanted to say I am sorry but you have nothing to be ashamed of."

"I'm not gay and I have a boyfriend."

"I know you don't want to hear it but I don't think that's entirely true."

"I have never-"

"Just think about it. A lot of people have been confused for years and all it takes is one incident and it's like an awakening."

"Even still I'm not going to cheat on Jason."

"And is it better to string him along if you're gay? I've seen those kinds of relationships, no one is happy."

"That's not us." I got out of her car with a slam and stomped into my house. How dare she even suggest I was gay or that I was leading Jason on. I loved him. I mean I still do. I wouldn't string Jason along and I think I'd know if I was gay or not by now. Wouldn't I?

Jerry and Brian were gone for the weekend so after my phone call with Jason, I watched television in the living room with mom and dad. I just needed something to distract me.

"You okay shelly-bean?" Dad asked during when mom went to make us popcorn.

"Yeah." I lied.

"You sure? You seem upset. Does it have anything to do with the boy who dropped you off?"

"Boy? Oh." I forgot how Whitney hadn't changed and anyone else probably thought she was a boy. "No...he's helping me rehearse." I don't know why I didn't tell them she was a girl.

"Oh for the play. He didn't try anything did he?"

"No...I mean. We were practicing a kissing scene."

"I can see how that might be upsetting." He sat on the couch with me and I swore he was wearing perfume. Maybe he was just hugging mom or something.

"More than you know," I mumbled.

"Did you tell him?"

"No way!"

"You should tell him.

"Why? It'll just hurt him."

"Right now it means nothing. But if you keep it a secret it'll become a thing between the two of you and with the distance, it's only going to make it harder."

"You think I cheated then?"

"No, not at all. It wasn't like it was for fun." But...it was fun..."If you want to quit the play that's fine but you should still tell him."

"But I'll get an F."

He chuckled and kissed my head, "Well we won't kick you out this time." He stood up and sat in his recliner next to mom's when she returned with the bucket of popcorn for them and one for me. The rest of the night I tried not to think about anything to do with kissing or Jason.

I was back in Whitney's room, she wore her elegant costume from the play that sparkled against her copper skin. "I know this must be hard for you with the way we...the way you feel but I can't trust anyone else."

"You can trust me." I pulled her into me with a fiery kiss until we fell down onto her bed again and tore her dress off exposing her breasts to me. I traced my fingers along her shoulder lowing her top even more. "You can trust me." She said in my voice.

"Too bad I can't." I turned and Jason was walking out of my room.

"No, wait!" I tried to chase after Jason but Whitney pulled me back to my bed.

"No, stay with me." She whispered seductively as she continued to kiss me. She guided my fingers up her dress and into her-

I sat straight up in bed sweating and panting, "What the hell?" I grabbed my phone and dialed up Jason.

"Hmm?" He groaned.

"Jason?"

"It's four a.m. what's wrong?"

"Sorry I just...I had a bad dream."

"Tell me about it, babe," He said still not fully awake.

"I can't really remember. I should let you get back to sleep."

"What's wrong?"

"I...you remember the play I told you about?"

"Okay?"

"There's a scene where I kiss someone and-"

"You kissed someone?"

"Because it's part of the play. I swear otherwise I wouldn't have kissed her."

"Her?"

"Yeah. There's only one guy in the play and he dies before my scene."

"You kiss a girl?"

"Yeah, you're not mad are you?"

"No way."

"You don't think it's weird?"

"I think it's hot. What's she look like?" I hung up. God, why's he got to be such a ...guy all the time. For some reason, I thought back to Whitney and how she looked dressed as a boy.

The next day I was at rehearsals and dressed in my detective suit, thankfully we started off on a different scene. I remembered my lines for the most part but every time I would look at Whitney I would think about my dream and flub them.

We took a break for lunch and I sat alone at the makeup table while everyone else had left to go eat. "Hey." Well almost everyone. Anne sat next to me with a frown. "You look stressed out girl."

"I didn't sleep well last night." I didn't need to tell her any details at least.

"Anything to do with Whitney?"

"What are you talking about?"

"For an actor, you're not so good at pretending."

"I'm just a stand-in."

"Come on, spill." I sighed and told her about our private rehearsal session and how it got out of hand but left out the dreams.

"Hmm, I can see how that might stress someone like you out."

"Someone like me?"

"You're a good person."

"Oh. Right."

"Is there something more going on?"

"No. Nothing."

Anne eyed me suspiciously, "Come on don't hold out on me. Did you enjoy it?"

"I really don't want to talk about it."

"You did, didn't you?"

"I have a boyfriend."

"Cause no one has ever fantasized about another person while in a relationship."

"Yeah. Other guys sometimes. But never..."

"You fantasized about her? Sure, I mean she is hot."

"I'm not gay though."

"Who's not gay?"

"Oh, fuck." Karen walked around the curtain.

"Michelle is."

"I'm not."

"Who said you were?"

"No one."

"She has a thing for Whitney."

"She does?" Anne cut in.

"I do not!"

"You do?"

"No! I'm not gay." I stood in a huff, "Can we please change the subject? What are you doing here?"

"I was going to meet Erica for lunch and thought maybe...I know it's not like we've known each other for a while but maybe-"

"I'll come with you. If you want I mean."

"Thanks." We started to leave when Karen stopped and turned back to the lonesome Anne, "You comin'?"

We sat in the food court at the mall four tables away from Erica and Karen. At first, it looked like Karen was reading her the riot act while Erica sat there and took it but after several minutes of her quiet anger, Karen calmed down enough to sit there and listen to Erica.

Karen sat with a scowl on her face while she listened at least. Part of me was hoping they could move past this, maybe selfishly. "Do you think it's possible?"

Anne crunched on a piece of lettuce from her salad, "What is?"

"That I could be gay?"

"Calm down I was just teasing you earlier. Kissing one girl doesn't make you a lesbian or else all college girls would be lesbians. And as great as that would be that's not how it works."

"When did you know you were?"

"I've always been a lesbian."

"I know but I mean was there ever a time you didn't know?"

"Well, I had a crush on this girl in first grade named Danielle, so no. I guess guys never occurred to me." I frowned as I remembered what Whitney told me. "What's wrong?"

"I just...nevermind." Karen sat at the table next to us with an exhausted sigh. "How'd it go?"

"I...actually feel better." Karen rested her head on my shoulder. "I yelled, she listened. She talked. I listened. It was a whole thing."

"Do you think you'll get back together?" I'm glad Anne asked it instead of me.

"I don't know but we might talk some more." Karen sighed.

"You look like you've been run into the ground.

"I haven't eaten since yesterday." She admitted with a groan.

"Come on you should eat," I told her offering a slice of my pizza. She groaned and took my slice while Anne watched us. "What?"

"Nothing."