An upsetting dream

After a while, Gunnar heard a strange dark cynical chuckling. He looked around, but he had the room to himself and no one was about. "Hello?" he called.

HI, SCHMUCK! IT'S ME -- YOUR PENIS!

Somehow, Gunnar believed it -- but he was still curious. Terrified of seeing a sex organ with some sort of face, he flung his sheets aside and checked himself. It looked the same as before, and he sighed happily.

IT'S ME, ALL RIGHT! BUT DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HEAR ME -- SO FAR, ANYWAY.

Gunnar stared as his penis actually throbbed and jiggled slightly as the voice spoke into his mind. He recalled an ancient Star Trek episode, The Gamesters of Triskelion, in which disembodied brains had obligingly throbbed while talking in echoing voices. However, this also reminded Gunnar of a bad movie starring Griffin Dunne, with voice work by Mark Linn-Baker.

"You have no brain," Gunnar pointed out.

YOU'RE NO PRIZE YOURSELF, SCHMUCK. EVER HEARD OF THE CONCEPT OF NETWORK SAPIENS? SEEMINGLY SOMATIC CELLS CAN EXCHANGE INFORMATION BY WAY OF SPECIAL ORGANELLES. IT'S TOUGH TO MAKE WORK IN THE HIGHER ORGANISMS, WHAT WITH BONE AND MUSCLE AND ALL THAT COMPLEXITY, BUT DOWN HERE, WHERE IT'S EONS-OLD TESTICLES AND SOME FLESH AND BLOOD, LIFE IS AS SIMPLE AS IT IS FOR ANY CEPHALOPOD, LIKE A STARFISH OR AN OCTOPUS -- OR A SQUID! CTHULHU RULES, BABY, YEAH!

"This is too far out," Gunnar reasoned with himself. "This can't happen."

THERE'S PRECEDENT. EVER HEARD OF THE LOST SPECIES OF HOMO ZARBAIBAI? YOUR DUMB-DICK SCIENTIST THINK THEY JUST UP AND DIED. WRONNNNNGGG! THEY WERE THE SAME MUTATION I AM! IF YOU IDIOTS COULD CLONE A HOMO ZARBAIBAI MAN, YOU'D FIND THAT OUT RIGHT AWAY!

Gunnar sank his head back into his pillow. "I don't need this."

THE FEELING IS MUTUAL. YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH SEX! YOU AND ME, WE ARE GOING TO LAY WASTE VAST FIELDS OF PUSSY TO ALL HORIZONS. HAW HAW HAWWW!

Gunnar squeezed his eyes shut. "You don't exist! Shut up, shut up -- SHUT UP!"

Suddenly he found himself sitting upright in the dark. The final "SHUT UP!" had been strong enough to wake him up.

He relaxed, even laughed. It had only been a dream.