irish eyes are smiling

"I'll handle mom." He was such a sweet boy he didn't deserve this. "I'm sorry I put you through this."

"It's fine." he mumbled. It wasn't.

"Look I'll talk to mom okay, just go upstairs. And do your homework." You ordered. Kyle mumbled as he ran upstairs, any excuse to get out of trouble was a good one to him.

Mom quickly sat at the table next to you. "Well?" your body froze, was she listening in? No she'd never done that before.

"It's my fault." you admitted. "Me and erin were talking about this girl."

"Named kara?"

"Right. And I guess in his panic it all got mixed up with his story." It wasn't a lie, it wasn't exactly the truth either.

Your mother looked you up and down. "Who is kara?"

"Uh a girl I know." Another half truth.

"Really now?" She seemed more interested in this new girl, "Is she cute?"

"Mom!"

"What? I can't know about your friends?" You had to stifle a chuckle.

"I dont know I guess some might consider her cute." you stared at the oak finish table as a terrible pain gnawed at your stomach. If she saw through you she'd tell your dad and he'd throw you out. [Maybe I could live with tom...but what about kyle and erin and mom?] No it was better to lie at least until you figured things out for yourself.

"Do you like her?" your mom assumed your evasiveness for something else. A son not wanting to talk about his crush.

"Mom! Can we talk about something else?"

"Fine. How was your day?"

A week passes and you're no closer to coming to a conclusive answer. Your coach continued to hound you as your game seemed to be off. Meanwhile you spend many nights watching old home movies. Finally one night erin is already sitting in your room painting her nails. "What are you doing?"

"Cant sisters hang out?" She teases as you sigh closing the door behind you. "So what's with all the old movies?"

How could you tell her the truth? "I just felt like it." You shrugged. You wanted to tell her but-

"You're not gonna find any movies of you dressed up if that's what you were thinking." she interrupted your thinking. "Daddy didn't like you dressing up. So why would you think there'd be video of it?"

You sat next to her on your bed. "Did you know I dont remember anything before the last time?" Her face said she didn't. It's not something you brought up often, for the longest time you just assumed no one else remembered anything from their childhood. "I just...wanted to know if I acted..."

"What? Like a girl? Or if you tried to cut your dick off?" She certainly wasn't one to beat around the bush.

"I mean...yeah." Quickly she took your hand in hers and began painting your nail before you could stop her.

"Look it just wasn't like that for you. And it's not like that for everyone who might be like how you might be."

"What do you mean? How do you know all this?"

She sighed moving on to your next finger. "I may have researched it." She mumbled. "Everyone's story is different. Some know right away. Some dont know until they're old. And some like you dont know until puberty."

"But I dont know if I know ya know? What if I just like the clothes?"

"I unfortunately cant answer that for you but answer me this. If you dressed the way you do now, all tomboy, but were a girl would you be happy?"

"Yeah." you answered slowly but honestly.

"Then you know that much." She smiled holding up your finished hand. "Now blow." You smiled and blew drying your nails while erin started on your other hand. You enjoyed the closeness and felt vaguely nostalgic. "So how are things going with you and tom?" You smiled uncontrollably "Ooh dish sis."

The next day the paint on your fingernails survived the night. You stared at them pill bottle in hand. You had swung by the therapist somehow you made it despite staying up all night tossing and turning. You took your first pill with an energy drink. In that moment when you were happy and felt like you were walking on air you didn't know you were being watched or what that might mean.