"Those guys are all super gay."

“Tragedy has befallen our poor heroines,” narrates Simon. Phuong is giggling so hard she can’t hold the camera straight. “Captive in the ogre’s lair! But, fear not! Courageously and, uh, nobly do they strive, ever true, ever faithful to their holy quest for pants, no matter what, uh, pitfalls and obstacles may lie across their path.”

“MMFFF!”

The five nude sorority girls have been relocated to a small park by a busy street. Chad has set up a small booth, where he charges five bucks for ten minutes’ use of a paddle or flogger and twenty bucks for five minutes’ use of a vibrator. A sizable queue has formed. Three girls from the Paxton U cheer team, here in Waxford to visit their Upknott football-player boyfriends, are hard at work reminding Tiffany why the two schools are bitter enemies.

“Hey,” says Phuong, watching as the Paxtons take pouting selfies beside gagged tear-streaked Tiffany’s face. “Do the Paxton football guys, like, mind that you get to fuck their cheerleaders all the time?”

“What? Oh, no. Those guys are all super gay.”

“Huh. Do they ever, uh…”

“What?”

“I mean, when you lose a football match to them…”

“We usually go out for beers afterward.”

“Oh, okay. Never mind.”