Facing the Music

The drive through Lily’s hometown only seemed to make the thunder clouds that followed her heavier. Every location she passed tied to a memory with Jake, threatening to become ghosts that haunted her.

She parked in front of her house and sat for a moment in silence. In just a few short hours she would have to answer for her actions and tell Jake everything. It broke her heart to know how it would break his. She couldn’t go to her mother for advice, she was off on a business trip. She feared how her stepdad might judge her if he knew and her sister was too young too understand. Lily was all alone in the place that where she was never supposed to feel alone. She checked her phone before heading inside.

Lily sighed. Poor Jake, why did I do this to him? She thought as she walked up to her doorstep. Entering the house, she felt a familiar comfort that she didn’t know she was missing. She noticed some small, nearly imperceptible, changes a new coffee table or the family photos arranged in a different order. It was subtle reminder that life didn’t simply pause here just because she was away. A nod that her life was slowly diverging, little by little, piece by piece, as she entered into the real world.

Robert was talking on the phone with Mark, Lily’s older step brother. She hadn’t seen him in a few years, he had moved to the northeast to chase some big boy finance job. Robert hugged her as she walked in and mouthed a silent “you okay?”. Lily just nodded and headed up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs Lily’s teen sister Amy came stomping down the stairs to wrap Lily in a big hug.

“I missed you!” Amy’s words muffled as her face dug into Lily.

“I missed you too, sis” Lily responded, sinking into the display of affection that she needed at a time like this.

Lily noticed how, even in the few short months she’d been gone, Amy had started to fill out a bit. Another reminder that life continues with or without her around to witness it. Lily entered her childhood bedroom and dropped her bags. She noticed Amy’s sketchbook on the floor and smiled for the first time in a week, remembering a phone call with her mother where she divulged that Amy liked to hang out in Lily’s room when she missed her.

Lily ate dinner with her family, providing updates on friends and coursework. Listening intently as her sister and stepdad filled her in on the happening around town. For a little while Lily had almost forgotten what was waiting for her later this evening. Almost.

Jake’s parents welcomed Lily in warmly, too warmly. She felt unworthy of their hugs or their interest in her studies. Jake wrapped her up in a hug that carried months of longing. Lily melted into it, savoring it, in case she never was able to feel it again.

After a quick catch up with Jake’s family, the couple went upstairs to Jake’s room. Lily’s legs were shaking the entire way and her throat was already knotting. She jumped as he guided her in by the small of her back. Inside, the room felt deafeningly quiet. The only sounds were Lily’s heart beating in her ears and Jake’s cries coming to her from the future.

“Something wrong?” He asked her, searching her face and finding a shattered woman.

“Jake” her voice was a whisper “I have something I need to tell you.” A tear trailed down her cheek.

Jake was silent, watching her with comforting eyes, waiting for her to share what troubled her.

“I…” the air was sucked out of her lungs and she broke into the sob that had become like a second roommate to her in the last week. “I slept with Logan.”

“Like fell asleep next to him?” Jake asked innocently, not able to truly believe his love could be capable of such an indiscretion.

“No” her voice was a pained squeak “I had sex with him.”

Jake’s face paled and contorted into something between shock and anger. He hoped that he was just having a bad dream and he struggled to choke back his own tears. His mind flashed with memories he shared with her through the years and the seemingly impossible proposition that he may have to learn to walk through life without her. It was his turn to release a tear as he watched Lily fall apart before his eyes. He needed someone to comfort him, and yet seeing her in this state he felt the need to pull her in close and tell her that everything was okay. He just didn’t know how if that were honest. He was torn, wanting to hold her, to scream at her, to kiss her, to curse at her, to fuck her senseless. Fuck her senseless?

There was no blowup. No dramatic unfurling of emotions or demand for explanation. He only quietly forced out a vague yet decisive “I need some space to think.”

“I’m sorry.” Lily whimpered simply. There was no use in saying anything more.

She stood up and hurried out to give Jake the space he had asked for, sneaking past his family as she made her getaway. She made it only two blocks down the road before she had to pullover and break down for the millionth time this week. What would life look like without Jake being a part of her routine? How empty would she be without his love? Could it be possible for someone who knows every inch of her, every corner of her internal life, every hope and dream, to suddenly become a stranger over night?

Jake laid on the floor of his bedroom crying and asking himself the same questions that Lily was. There was an uneasy sense of betrayal that nipped at his core.

Why? He thought. Why did she do this? Am I not enough? Does he have something I don’t? Am I not doing enough? Why can’t I get the image out of my head?

Why can’t I get the image out of my head?

Jake sat upright, feeling his pants being pulled a little tighter than before. Oh no. The realization of his erection started a flood of thoughts and emotions that made it hard to think straight, he tried to latch onto any idea he could. They were all filthy. He tried to force them away, knowing he ‘shouldn’t’ be thinking that.

Says who?

It’s not normal!

What is normal?

The conscious and the subconscious were locked in a battle of supremacy, leaving a void— an emptiness. His ‘other’ head began to fill the vacuum. He undid his pants and slid them down to his knees, telling himself it was because his penis needed space to breathe. The image of Lily and Logan together was no longer a flash in his mind, it was his sole focus. Playing scenarios of how it could have came to be. Imagining the way they probably moved against each other. Hearing the sounds she could have made as if it was happening right there in the room with him. A thread began to unspool before he even realized that he had been stroking himself, and a sensation shot through him that made his toes curl and his chest tighten. He was drowning in it, a sensation unlike anything he’d felt before. He woke from his stupor and examined the mess he had made. The anger was still present, but the sadness was missing. A deep and primal hunger taking its place.

Somewhere a few blocks away, Lily’s phone snapped her from her pitiful catharsis.