The Weight of What Almost Was

Mia had not moved from his arms. Her face was pressed into his chest. Her shoulders shook every now and then even though the crying had mostly stopped. He kept his hand on her back. He rubbed slow circles. The fabric of her shirt felt soft under his fingers. The light was still on. It made everything look too bright.

He could not stop the thoughts from coming.

This could have been really bad. She could have been pregnant. Because of me. Because we got careless. I should have thought about it every single time. I should have asked if she was okay with it. I should have done something different.

His stomach felt tight and sick.

Mia took a shaky breath. She pulled back just enough to look at him. Her eyes were puffy and red. Her cheeks were still wet.

“We’re okay,” she said.

The words were quiet. She said them like she was trying to make herself believe them.

Alex nodded. He wanted to say something that would help. Something that would make the scared look leave her face. But his throat felt thick and nothing good came out.

“Yeah,” he managed. “We’re okay.”

She wiped her face with the back of her hand. Then she leaned forward and kissed the side of his neck. Just a small press of her lips. It was warm against his skin.

He closed his eyes for a second.

Eventually she stood up, turned off the lights and grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch. They sat down close. Her leg touched his the whole time. She pulled the blanket over both of them.

For a long time they did not talk.

Alex watched the way her hair fell over her shoulder. He watched the way her fingers played with the edge of the blanket. He could smell her shampoo. The same one she always used. It made his chest feel tight in a different way.

He wanted to kiss her. Really kiss her. The kind that used to make everything else disappear. But it felt wrong to want that right now. After what just happened. After how scared she had been standing in that bathroom.

His body did not seem to care what his head thought. He felt the familiar warmth low in his stomach from being this close to her. From the way her thigh pressed against his under the blanket. From the small sounds she made when she breathed.

He felt guilty for even having the thought. Right after everything. What kind of person thinks about that now?

Mia rested her head on his shoulder. Her hand found his under the blanket. She laced their fingers together. Her thumb moved slowly across the back of his hand.

“Thank you for being here,” she said.

He squeezed her hand. “Of course.”

She turned her face and kissed his shoulder through his shirt. Another small one. Then she stayed there with her forehead against him.

Alex swallowed hard.

They sat like that until the light outside started to fade. The apartment got dim. Neither of them moved to turn on a lamp.

Mia was the one who finally spoke again.

“I was really scared,” she said. Her voice was small.

“Me too,” Alex said.

She nodded against him. Her thumb kept rubbing the back of his hand.

“I don’t want to go through that again,” she said.

Alex felt the words hit him in the chest.

“Me neither,” he said. “We should be more careful. From now on.”

She nodded again.

They did not talk about what that meant exactly. Not yet. It felt like too much for right now.

After a while Mia stood up. She went to the kitchen and came back with two glasses of water. She handed him one. Their fingers touched when he took it.

They drank in silence.

Then she sat back down. Closer this time. Her side pressed against his side all the way down.

Alex put his arm around her shoulders. She leaned into him without hesitation.

He could feel her breathing. Slow and steady now. Her body was warm against him.

His own breathing was not as steady.

He kept thinking about what came next. Would things go back to normal? Or would this always be there between them? This almost that could have changed everything for both of them.

He thought about the drawer she had cleared for his clothes. The nights he stayed over without planning it. The way she had said “I love you” that first time during sex. Did all of that still mean the same thing after tonight?

Mia shifted. She looked up at him.

Her eyes were soft. Tired. But there was something warm in them when she looked at him. Something that made his chest feel full and scared at the same time.

She reached up and touched his cheek. Her fingers were cool from the water glass.

Alex leaned into the touch without meaning to.

She smiled a little. The first real smile since she came out of the bathroom holding that test.

Then she kissed him.

It was not deep. Not urgent. Just a soft press of her lips to his. She stayed close after. Her forehead rested against his.

Alex’s heart beat hard against his ribs.

He kissed her back. Careful. Slow. Like he was afraid she might pull away if he moved too fast.

When they pulled apart she stayed close. Her nose brushed his.

“I love you,” she said.

The words were the same as before. But they felt heavier now. More real. Like they had been tested and were still standing.

Alex said it back. His voice came out rough.

They went to bed not long after that. It was still early. Neither of them felt like doing anything else.

Mia changed into her sleep shorts and a t-shirt in the bathroom. Alex took off his jeans and left his t-shirt on. He felt awkward getting fully undressed right now. Like it would be wrong somehow.

They got under the covers. She turned off the lamp.

The room was dark except for the street light coming through the blinds. It made thin lines across the ceiling and across her face.

Mia moved close. She rested her head on his chest. Her arm went across his stomach. Her fingers curled into his shirt.

Alex put his arm around her. His hand settled on her back. He could feel the warmth of her skin through the thin fabric.

He could feel her heartbeat against him. Or maybe it was his own. He could not tell the difference.

She fell asleep first. Her breathing changed. Became deeper. Slower. Her body grew heavier against him.

Alex stayed awake.

He stared at the ceiling. The shadows from the blinds made lines across it that moved a little when a car passed outside.

His mind would not stop.

She said she loved him. Even after this. Even after the scare. Even after he put her through that fear.

But what if she woke up tomorrow and felt different? What if the relief wore off and she realized she did not want to deal with this kind of worry again? What if he was not worth the risk?

He pulled her a little closer without waking her. She made a small sound and tucked her face into his neck. Her breath was warm against his skin.

Alex closed his eyes.

He told himself to sleep. They were okay. The test was negative. She was here in his arms. She had kissed him. She had said she loved him.

But the doubt was still there. Quiet. Persistent. Sitting in his chest like it always did.

He lay there for a long time before sleep finally came.