Chapter 16: The Park

Chapter 16: The Park

4 November 2025

Bishops Park was far enough from home to give a girl a sense of separation, but close enough for her to feel safe, even though she didn’t really want to be found. Olivia walked until the sounds across Putney Bridge slowed to a distant hum, her boots treading softly over the damp ground of the Thames Path. Here, amidst the towering oaks and the occasional gaggle of geese, she didn't have to be anyone in particular. She could just be.

She found a bench tucked away near a cluster of cedars and pulled her phone from the pouch of her hoodie. The screen felt glaring and invasive in the presence of all this nature. She ignored a missed call from her mother – likely about something horribly important such as a misplaced yoga mat or how she forgot to properly make her bed – and opened her messages.

She tapped on the name Talia.

Talia was the only person in Olivia’s life who didn't make her feel like she was failing. Olivia and Talia were friends through secondary school, and they had stayed in close contact when Olivia went to UCL and Talia went to City. But the Reading Week break was her first chance to really reconnect for more than just a text or a two-minute FaceTime while darting from one lecture to the next. The two of them had reunited Saturday night over chai lattes at Drips & Dregs, and it had been such a relief.

While the other girls in Olivia’s halls were constantly competing for attention and space, Talia was a calm in the storm. Sure, she was devastatingly beautiful, but she strangely behaved as if she were the one imposing upon others.

L: Home is... a lot today. My mum is in 'project manager' mode. I feel like I'm a task she’s in a rush to finish.

T: I’m so sorry, Livy. You aren't a task. You’re wonderful. I wish I had half your brains, maybe then I wouldn't feel so lost in these lectures.

L: Bollocks, T. You’re the smartest person I know and everybody loves you.

T: They’re just being nice because I’m quiet. I looked in the mirror today and just felt... wrong. Like I’m a mess that needs fixing. I just wanna be better. Useful. Does that make sense?

Olivia stared at the message. To her, Talia was like a lighthouse - she’d happily stand up for others, even while she was battered by doubts she never let most people see. But underneath Talia’s kindness was deep insecurity, as if she believed she was actually a shipwreck waiting to happen.

It wasn’t mere humility, though. Olivia knew Talia was convinced she was fundamentally unfinished, a puzzle missing its most important piece. That understanding didn’t make it any easier for Olivia. If someone as amazing as Talia could feel so inadequate, what hope is there for me then?

Olivia shared the ache in Talia’s words, the way they whispered, I’m not enough, even as the world marvelled at her grace.

L: It makes sense. Sometimes I just want someone else to tell me what’s what, you know? To tell me exactly what to do so I stop worrying if I'm doing it right.

T: Exactly. I just want to be... right. For someone… Okay, enuff of that for now. I'm going to head to that new study group I was telling you about. I'll tell you how it goes.

L: Be careful. Love you.

T: Love you more. Try to breathe, Livy. You're perfect exactly as you are (even if I’m definitely not!) x

Olivia locked her phone and let out a long, shaky breath. Talia was the best person she knew, yet she was haunted by the same doubt that plagued everyone else - the feeling that her "Self" was an unfinishable project.

As Olivia looked up from her phone, her gaze drifted towards an auburn-haired woman seated on a nearby bench.

That was the weird thing - she just sat. The woman wasn’t reading a book, nor was she scrolling through her phone like everyone else seemed to be. Instead, she was perfectly still, her hands folded neatly in her lap, her eyes fixed in the distance. Olivia looked to where the woman’s eyes seemed to be staring. There wasn’t anything special out there. Some trees in varying shades of mottled greens and browns. A couple of children running along the path ahead of a mother or nanny. A lone woodpecker perched on a low branch before resuming its drilling into the sturdy bark.

But whatever it was, the woman just kept staring placidly.

The fixation was almost otherworldly. The longer Olivia watched the woman, the more odd it seemed. And yet, she couldn’t look away. There was something about her - something Olivia couldn’t quite name - that held her attention, like a magnet tugging at her subconscious.

In time, Olivia realised that she truly was staring. Not rudely, she hoped. But she was now deeply curious about the woman. Her stillness was unsettling and alien. She didn’t fidget or adjust her hair or glance around nervously as though waiting for something to happen. She was just there. She was perfectly at ease, as if she had found the very essence of peace for which Olivia and Talia were so desperately searching.

That thought really gave her a bit of a wobble. Here she was, staring at a stranger and envying her for being able to be… still? Quiet?

Olivia shook her head and tried to clear her mind. Why did it bother her so much that the woman could appear so untethered from the anxieties that plagued Olivia? But asking herself the question just renewed her inner monologue of lingering doubts. Yet again, she heard her mother’s voice reciting the litany of things Olivia needed to fix. And while Mary pointed them out to help Olivia to be better - or so she always said - they just served as constant reminders of her flaws.

It wasn’t as if Olivia wanted to be such a mess. She tried to be more like her mum. She went to the organisational meeting for some activist group on campus. But that was her mother’s world, not hers. Being around groups of people just made Olivia feel sick and agitated.

She tried to be like her father too. One of the modules she tried to sign up for was Introduction to Economics, but she was told that it wouldn’t fit her degree structure. Maybe later, if you show your aptitude in your chosen field, she was told.

Of course, Olivia had no idea what her calling was. The only places she felt safe at university were her room in halls and her little nook at the library. In those places, she didn’t have to be confronted by people.

Then again, it was in the library where she got the idea a couple of weeks ago to dye her hair. She looked up from her reading and saw a girl flirting with a couple of guys. The girl had looked so fit with her bright purple ombré style. It wasn’t in-your-face or cheeky either. That girl had pulling power, as evidenced from the attention she was getting.

The next night, Olivia popped into Superdrug to get something new and colourful for herself. Something even her mother would notice.

She steered clear of the pinks and reds she saw. But down in the corner of the display, she spotted a box of bright blue and another of a wicked shade of green. She grabbed them and headed straight to the self-service checkout.

Sadly, she had no idea what she was doing, and she was too afraid to ask for help from someone who could have steered her better. She didn’t know that she needed to prepare her hair for the dye for the best results. Nor did she realise how much of a mess it might make.

As a result, by the end of the night, she had stained a bathroom sink, ruined one of her T-shirts, and ended up with a multi-coloured disaster of blues and greens set against the natural brown base of her hair.

The next morning, Olivia went to her lectures with her hair under a woolly hat, even though the weather was pleasant and seasonable for mid-October. She didn’t show off her hair for two days, until she resigned herself to the fact that she couldn’t keep it concealed forever.

Surprisingly, the women in her hall were supportive, even if they sweetly jabbed at her inartful application of the hair dye. And Talia was the sweetest of all, telling her that she was a right looker.

Of course, all of that confidence had been washed away when she went home. Her father hadn’t said a word. Then again, nor had her mum. But at least he had smiled and tried to make the best of his surprise. Her mum… Olivia knew that yet again, she had failed to be good enough.

Olivia turned once more towards the woman. How did she manage to be so calm? It was almost inhuman in its perfection. For a moment, she was tempted to walk over and ask her exactly that. How did she manage to stay so perfectly still in a world that never stopped screaming?

That idea vanished. The woman turned her head slightly, towards Olivia. For a fleeting second, Olivia thought she saw a flash of something in her eyes. There was a glow of colour, as if Olivia were looking at the amber light at a pelican crossing. But then it was gone again as the woman turned her head back to the horizon.

The episode gave Olivia a sudden chill down her spine and snapped her out of her reverie. She stood up, pulling her hoodie tighter, and began the long walk back to the house. Back to where her mother was likely chopping another perfect salad for another of her perfect meetings, and hopefully her father would be home, even if he was studying one of his dossiers about the value of some acquisition.

And the noise would be waiting again.

Waiting to swallow her whole.