To your Dorm Commons

For now, it should stay casual right? You have this instinctive feeling that anything not casual would amplify her anxiety. So instead of taking her out somewhere, you remember that the Dorm Commons sells slices of pizza at a casual foodstand, and you bring her there.

There are a lot of other students socializing around you, and you hope that's to Alice's benefit. Still, as she sits across from you on one of the abstract cushions, you can see her fingers dancing with each other in folded hands.

Hoping to start off some kind of conversation, you ask her, "Have you been here before, Alice?"

"No. I..." Her hands suddenly freeze. "...Haven't made many friends, here. Yet."

It's understandable. Everyone just got out of being sequestered in their house for almost two years.

You say, "you've made at least one."

That gets a smile out of her, and it is a beautiful smile that lights up her entire face. She says. "Maybe more than friends?"

You're shocked at the boldness of it, so much so that you forget to say anything. Her smile suddenly droops. She blinks rapidly, then puts her head in her hands and says. "Oh my god, I'm being so stupid. I'm sorry."

"No. That's okay," you say, and reach across to her, touching her arm. "Comments like that are expected in this context, actually. I was more surprised that you were the one saying it. A lot of the time you seem so...inhibited."

"I know," she says. "I've always had anxiety. And, you know, it got worse since..."

Yeah, makes sense.

Instead of focusing on that, you say. "Your brother is really different than you."

It works. Her head is out of her hands, and she's rolling her eyes. "I know. I sometimes feel like, being the guy, he took all the balls in a figurative sense, too."

You actually laugh at that. She can be surprisingly funny when she wants to. And your laugh encourages her. She goes on.

"It's not just a joke, though!" She puts her hand over yours squeezing it, imploring you to pay attention. "Like, when you have a twin you end up getting this kind of magical thinking about things. It's this weird sense of 'did he steal that from me? Did I have it in the womb, and he took it?'"

"I've definitely heard weird stories about twins. There's the whole made-up language thing."

"Oh, we did that," she says. "Yeah, I don't remember, but our parents told us. We'd talk to each other in words we came up with before we spoke English. They took videos of it, and they're floating around somewhere."

"So he was always...like this?" you say, tactfully.

She nods fervently. "Yes. I wanted to take some of the boldness not just for my sake, but for his, too. He's got way too much and it does not help him."

"It's funny, I've never seen you around with him, even though you are close. And I'm his roommate."

"I know. I'm trying to enjoy the opportunity to separate myself from him, after being locked in a house with him for so long," Alice says. "He did invite me to the big party, though. The Delta...Beta...?"

"Delta Gamma," you correct.

"Right." She nods. "I think I'll go. I know that the 'not having friends' thing is kind of a problem. I want to socialize with people, here, not just get good grades."

"That is...seriously jumping into the deep end," you say.

"I think it's easier for me, to do it that way." She looks off, contemplating. "Like it's a perfect metaphor, because a lot of people jump into the deep end on purpose. They immerse themselves in the water when it's cold so that their body doesn't have that contrast between hot and cold that makes the cold even worse. It's like that for me. When I'm allowed to be a total shut-in, I'll take advantage of it. So when we go, he's going to drive me. I'm not even going to take my own car. I'm leaving when he does."

You feel two emotions about this at the same time, warring with each other. On one hand, that's admirable of her. On the other...

"What if something goes...wrong?" you ask.

"Well, I assume he'll be there, to make sure I'm okay," she shrugs. "And...you will, right?"

There's an air of hope about her. You don't want to dash it, but you want to be careful.

"If I can get in," you say. "Apparently it's invite-only. But I'll promise you this: If you see me there, I'll look out for you."

She grins again, and you find, slowly, that you're getting addicted to that smile. That you'd do anything to see more of it.

From there, conversation flows a lot more naturally. You find out that she loves Kpop, and she can't help but start gushing as she talks about her favorite bands. It's not somehting you even understand, but her enthusiasm, especially once it's utterly unselfconscious, is infectious. She tells you that the reason she got into yoga is because she loves (of all things) bouldering at the local climbing gym, and she loves being able to try it again and again.

"It does this weird thing that shuts off my anxiety," she says. "No matter how many times I fail or in front of how many people, the wall will always stay the same, the reason I failed is totally objective, and I can always try again."

You consider the source of her social anxiety as she says that. How unfair it is that people hide everything from each other, especially when it's negative. How it encourages a kind of hypervigilance to see through people's masks, to know if you've done something wrong and they're just being nice and hiding it from you.

It's as you're considering this that Alice looks behind your back and says. "Whose that girl?"

You turn, and see Emma walking toward you. She's wearing a black tanktop that shows her tattoo, and her sizeable breasts seem supported by it, despite the fact that they're no bra there. You can see the small nubs of nipple piercings. Your heart skips a beat. You don't know what kind of interaction Emma and Alice will have. You don't relish the thought of it, though.

"Oh, hey, Ryan," Emma says, totally casual, a slice of pizza sitting on a plate in her hand. "Who is this?"

Alice's entire body seems to tighten.

"Emma," you say, with no other choice. "This is Alice. Alice, Emma."

"Hi," Alice says, quietly.

"I'm surprised you're both down here. I mean, by choice," Emma says. "The cafeteria just closed, and this pizza fucking sucks."

"I don't think it's that bad," Alice whispers.

"What?" Emma asks. "I literally didn't hear you."

"Nevermind," Alice says, in response.

Oh. God.

"Anyway, what are you doing, later?" Emma asks, flat-out. "This week has been crazy, and I need some kind of stress relief."

Alice's eyes widen on yours, then turn to Emma.

"Are you...what are you asking him?" Alice asks, her voice increasing in volume as she speaks.

Emma considers, then shrugs. "I don't know. For whatever he's down for, I guess."

Whatever. Oh. Shit. Oh. God.

Alice shakes, gives a small smile. Clearly tries to take it in stride...and then fails. She points up toward Emma's chest. "You know, those are really visible."

Emma looks down at her chest, then back up at her, there's a spark in her eyes, now. "Yep. What do you mean by that, though?"

With a shocking viciousness, Alice says. "Maybe not everyone should know that you have studs in your tits."

"Whoa," Emma immediately backs off, but only physically. The spark in her eyes is becoming a fire. "Okay, I get what's going on here. I misread the room, and interrupted something. But that doesn't give you the right to be a little bitch."

There's a way waging in Alice's face, and in one glance she gives you, you see it. She didn't expect to say something so nasty, and now she's out of her depth.

You have to make a choice.

Alice (Love) +5