So you tried to have sex with a human?

The ghola may be anathema to the brain slugs in part because of a sacrificial rite I translate as "The Worm That Gnaws." During times of war or **** emergency, hives have been known to implant a brain slug on a dying enemy to quickly gather information before brain **** sets in. The practice goes against civilized hive mind traditions, as the tactic both violates the unwilling host and also results in the deliberate **** of the implanted slug, which is sacrificed for the greater good of the hive. Naturally, human military and intelligence organizations are keenly interested in his capability.
—Anastasia Massimi, Slugnomicon: A Guide To Brain Slug Spirituality (unpublished draft)

Using the fine manipulators on its pincers, the K'lur'k spread a pair of green-speckled plates to reveal a soft white orifice.

<<Traditionally, our gamete-ejaculator and waste disposal orifices are not situated closely together,>> Two-Cicks explained, the electronic box translating her mandible-clicks with only a fraction-of-a-second delay. <<However, many of the younger K'lur'k like myself have shaped our bodies to more closely resemble humans in certain respects.>>

"Shaped?" Mel asked. "How? And why?"

Then he paused and rubbed the back of his neck. He was staring at what was the extraterrestrial equivalent of a vagina, and it looked like something at the seafood counter at the co-op.

"I mean, if you'd like to tell us. I don't mean to pry. I'm just curious. I've never met a member of your species before, don't know anything about your culture or anatomy," he said.

Two-Clicks bobbed up and down slightly. Their manipulators continued to hold the shell open to show the white flesh within. A single clear drop of fluid glistened as it gathered into a drop.

<<It is fine. My people are shapers. We can molt and control the shape of our exoskeletons, and to a degree, the arrangement of organs based on local conditions. This requires regression to an earlier stage of development, with many of our cells reverting to stem cells, and in addition to physical modifications, can be used to shift gamete production type, reverse aging, and heal substantial injuries. However, it is resource-intensive, and can result in substantial loss of memories. As to why . . . I wished to have an anatomical configuration as close to human-compatible as possible for purposes of having sex with humans.>>

"This might sound odd," Ha-Yoon said, her dark eyes locked on the white flesh, which seemed to ripple with muscular contractions. "But why would a non-human want to have sex with a human? I mean, with brain slugs, it kind of makes sense, because they're inhabiting human hosts. But don't you have sex with your own kind?"

Very rapid, agitated clicking. It reminded Mel of one nerd he'd met at an orphanage, who spent his lunch hours scrolling the internet, memorizing facts about kaiju movies, and could, and would, spend an hour regaling you about various Korean giant monster films of the 1960s with an intensity and focus that didn't let anyone else get a word in edgewise.

<<Earth has porn! Our elders only selected works of significant cultural relevance. Our reproductive studies are focused on anatomy, hormone cycles, ideal temperatures and pH balances for developing egg sacs, contract law regarding division of egg-carrying, the ancient love songs of the Unpronounceable Ones, and the merits of internal carriage versus exo-wombs. K'lur'k do not even need to make physical contact to mate. Our wild ancestors could deposit gametes in shallow tidal pools and allow others who wished to avail themselves of the genetic material. But I grew up on Earth. I experienced my first molt in San Francisco. I have found human sexual practices fascinating. We have nothing like it in our cultural archives. Once, perhaps, our ancestors had porn, but we children of the stars and deep waters have nothing like your erotic works! The romance! The drama! The action! I wish to experience it for myself.>>

The glistening drop had slowly grown pendulous. When it hit the tiled floor, there was a faint hiss and a small darkening black circle as the acid ate away at the ceramic.

Two-Click's stick-thin limbs trembled.

<<Sorry. I am overcome with excitement. This is my first time exposing my genitals in public to humans. It is like the scene in Deviant Women Exhibitionists Shamelessly Expose Themselves: The New Generation!>>

Mel could hear the exclamation mark. The electronic voice wasn't particularly good at registering emotional tone, but the underlying blur of staccato clicking did a lot to convey Two-Click's excitement.

"We should probably move this conversation into the waste-disposal kiosk," Ha-Yoon said. "The floor is designed to handle spillage."

The kiosk had a floor that looked like packed dirt, although Mel knew it was a combination of Fuller's earth and calcium carbonate, because the Cosmic Fill-Up had a video specifically on the nature of the K'lur'k biowaste kiosk and how to clean it (always with gloves, goggles, and rebreather). Their small restroom had two kiosks, with little curtains that could be drawn across for privacy, and a bank of what looked like purplish moss but was actually some kind of plant-like organism from the K'lur'k homeworld, which could metabolize various waste products safely.

Two-Clicks perched atop the purple plant and let their white cleft drip onto the odd-looking fronds, the acid rolling off of them easily.

"So you tried to have sex with a human?" Ha-Yoon said.

<<Yes,>> Two-Clicks responded, fine manipulators gently rubbing the sides of its exposed shell, though Mel noticed they were careful not to touch the sensitive inner bits with their hard pincers. <<There are clubs in San Francisco where humans and other sapient species may experiment sexually. I was so excited. I had been practicing with a nickel-alloy rod. My partner had a penis. They were very excited. We had selected a condom that we believed would resist my acidic secretions long enough for successful coitus. We failed to take into account how the friction would weaken the structural integrity of the condom. Everything was going so well until the screaming began, and then the blood spurted, and it all sort of fell apart.>>

Two-Click's remaining manipulators covered their eye-sockets in a gesture of shame that looked suspiciously like it had been influenced by watching too much television. Mel had seen orphans like that, mimicking things they had seen on cartoons or in movies. Orphans had fewer sources of social cues than most kids.

"Oh no," Ha-Yoon said, and reached out to caress one of Two-Click's upper arms. "Oh honey, it wasn't your fault. Was your partner okay?"

Sad clicking, very tonal, very wet.

<<The penis could not be saved. They were pre-op transgender. It is why they volunteered. They knew the risks. The surgeons proceeded with the removal of the testicles as they, too, were damaged beyond repair. I have seen her new vagina. It is quite lovely. She allowed me to assist her in using the vaginal dilators to obtain sufficient depth.>>

Mel scratched his chin. "So you're still in touch with her?"

Two-Click bobbed their head.

<<We continued to experiment sexually after her transition. I experienced sex with a human using a strap-on and a nickel-alloy dildo. It was not quite what I had imagined. My shaping had placed the sensory nerve cluster that serves as an analog to the clitoris too deep to achieve proper stimulation without specialist tools. But I still enjoy watching.>>

"Fascinating," Ha-Yoon breathed, her eyes fixed on the strange being before them. Mel nodded. He had never considered that aliens raised around human porn might develop a sexual attraction to humans as well, though he supposed it made sense. Earth couldn't possibly be the sole source of perverts in the galaxy. Then he remembered his conversation with Béibhinn.

"I really appreciate you sharing all this with us," Mel said. "Do you have any questions for us?"

Thoughtful clicks. Slow. Almost dissonant in tone. Like a mechanical typewriter falling down a set of stairs in slow motion.

<<I would like to experience oral sex with a human male in a public restroom,>> Two-Clicks said. <<May this slut suck your cock?>>