Like the world is out to get him

“So you’re a genie now? And this,” Peter said, pointing at the lamp in his hands, “is your bottle?” His voice sounded completely incredulous.

Felicia had insisted they move somewhere quieter to talk and that he bring the lamp with him.

That was when she dropped the bombshell.

“So does this mean I get three wishes?” Peter pinched the bridge of his nose. “Because if so, the first one is going to be that you’re free.”

Felicia looked oddly bashful while answering, which wasn’t like her at all.

“Well… I’m not a regular genie. So that’s not going to work.”

Peter sighed. “Okay. Out with it.”

Felicia hesitated for a moment before saying it.

“I’m a sex genie.”

There it is.

Fuck my life.

Peter leaned forward and thumped his forehead against the nearby wall.

-

He thumped his forehead against the wall a few more times while trying to gather his thoughts. Eventually he pushed himself upright and turned back to Felicia.

“Okay,” he said. “What exactly happened?”

Felicia walked him through it. Watching the warehouse. The strange cat that had slipped inside. The guards that fell **** as it passed. And finally the lamp and what had happened after it pulled her inside.

“So I guess the whole sex-genie thing is how you knew I just had sex with MJ,” Peter said, sounding thoroughly exasperated.

Felicia’s eyes sparkled with amusement. “Well, you are projecting a very carnally satisfied aura.”

She tilted her head slightly, the corner of her mouth curling upward. “And besides, I have a lot of experience with you in your suit post-coitally.”

Trying not to think about what she had just said, Peter pushed forward.

“So you’re sure? This isn’t some hallucination caused by Mysterio? Or some dumbass plan from Norman?” He kept reaching. “An illusion from Loki, maybe. We did that team-up a while back. Maybe this is his twisted idea of a thank-you.”

Felicia just looked at him.

“You are my master,” she said simply. “Why don’t you try wishing for something?”

She paused, thinking for a moment before a familiar gleam crept into her eyes.

“Remember that time we fought Hydro-Man? When I got blasted into that gel reservoir?” Her smile widened.

“Remember what we did afterward? You could wish for a full play-by-play viewable in 8K right here on this rooftop.”

Peter immediately felt himself starting to harden and shifted uncomfortably.

“Even just looking back at our… carnal activities would probably make MJ castrate me,” he muttered. “So no thanks.”

Felicia perked up. “Well, you could always include the missus in the wish.”

She paused before continuing. “As long as the wish is sexual in nature, I should be able to fulfill it.”

Peter shook his head and muttered to himself, “I can’t believe I’m going to do this.”

-

He pulled his phone from his suit and dialed MJ’s number. After a moment, she answered.

“Hey, Tiger. What’s up?”

“MJ, uh… I need your help with something.”

That immediately got her attention. “What kind of something?”

Peter rubbed the back of his neck. “First question. Are you alone?”

A short pause. “…Yes.”

“Okay. Second question. What I’m about to do involves your… bodily autonomy.”

Felicia choked back a laugh.

Peter shot her a glare and continued. “Nothing bad will happen. I promise. But if you say no, I’m dropping the whole thing right now.”

MJ didn’t hesitate long. “If you’re asking like that, it must be serious. I trust you. What do you need?”

Peter exhaled slowly. “Alright. Hang up for a second. I’ll call you back in about a minute.”

“Peter…”

“It’ll make sense. I promise.”

She ended the call.

-

Felicia was already grinning. “Oh my god,” she said. “This is going to be a good one.”

Peter pointed at her. “No commentary.”

“Sure, sure.”

Peter hesitated for a moment, then said: “I wish that when I talk to Mary Jane within the next five minutes, when I say the word pineapple she’ll have an orgasm.”

Felicia blinked. Then burst out laughing. “Oh wow. Again? Didn't you already rock her world this evening?”

Peter crossed his arms. “It’s controlled, it’s harmless, and it proves whether this is real.”

Felicia wiped a tear from her eye. “Peter Parker, you are the most adorable disaster I have ever met.”

She snapped her fingers. “Wish granted.”

-

Peter immediately called MJ back.

She picked up on the second ring.

“Okay, seriously,” she said. “What’s going on?”

Peter swallowed. “So… funny story.”

He glanced at Felicia, who was watching with barely contained excitement.

Peter sighed.

“Pineapple.”

There was a brief pause on the other end of the line.

A sharp, choked gasp crackled through the speaker, followed by a low, shuddering moan that built into a full-throated cry of release. It was ragged, ****, and utterly unmistakable.

Oh god.

Peter heard the soft thud of the phone hitting something, and then the sounds continued, whimpers, shaky breaths, the rustle of fabric. His own breath hitched in his chest.

Well.

He guessed he had his proof.

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath. His life was about to get a lot more complicated.

The moans on the line slowly subsided into heavy, panting breaths. There was more fumbling before MJ’s voice returned, thick and dazed.

“Peter? What… what was that?”

“The test,” he said, his voice strangely tight. “You okay?”

There was a long pause. Then a shaky, bewildered laugh.

“Okay? I… I just had an amazing… by myself, just from your voice, holding a phone. What did you do?”

“I’ll explain everything when I get home,” Peter said, his eyes locking with Felicia’s.

She was smiling, a slow, victorious curl of her lips.

“Just… just enjoy the afterglow.”