The seas are stormy and you can't find no port, got to come on up to the house, yeah

“What the fuck?” Dakota shook her head, feeling a strange, dazed sensation roll across her. “You’re saying you think I should just make another Sylvia? What, just wave my cane and create another one? That simple?”

“Well, yes,” Mary bluntly replied. “You said it yourself. You’re all alone here, Dakota.” Mary didn’t see how that was possible given the presence of Nola, as well as the siren Serenity, but obviously Dakota didn’t think very highly of them.

She continued, “If you really want Sylvia to stay, then just use your power as the host to make another Sylvia. Or someone different. Maybe give her black hair like you, I don’t know. But the point is, you could do it, right?”

“Hah!”

Mary could hear Dakota’s sneer in her words.

“As if I would need to do something like that,” the haughty host replied. “You’re not wrong. I could create another Sylvia with just a wave of my cane, it would be a simple task.”

Somehow, Mary doubted that. “Oh?”

“But why bother?” Dakota asked, leaning back on the bench and tapping her cane on the floor. “It wouldn’t make a difference. You know who it is that I’d really miss,” she added, her voice growing quieter, more human.

Mary winced. That was true. Another Sylvia wouldn’t fill the hole in Dakota’s heart; the hole that was yearning for Nick.

“Dakota-”

“Besides,” Dakota continued, “the reason I can make as many Sylvias as I want in the first place is because she’s just a magical construction. A creation! She’s not real, after all. No matter how many I create, they’d just be like the faeries.”

What a horrible thing to say. Did Dakota really still feel that way? After everything that Sylvia had gone through? Mary nearly wept for the poor girl.

“…And I don’t care what the producers have to say about it!” Dakota finished. She paused to catch her breath, and that’s when Mary picked up on the desperation in her voice.

She’s lying, I think. Or at least, Mary hoped that was the case. The wracked her brain, trying to think of an answer that could cut through the fog of Dakota’s delusions, but she kept drawing a blank.

“Well?!” A fist slammed against the screen of the confessional, shaking Mary from her thoughts and making her jump. Dakota snarled, “Got anything to say!? Huh?”

That… was an interesting response. Mary blinked, and calmed herself back down.

And suddenly, her response came so easily to her.

“Dakota,” Mary said with a gentle sweetness in her voice, “if Sylvia isn’t a person to you, and you can create as many of her as you want, then why does talking about her aggravate you like this?”

It was a question begging for an answer. But it was a dangerous question, too. On the subject of Sylvia, Dakota only had two modes. Dismissive and violently hostile. And since they’d moved past the “dismissive” part already, that just left one response.

“Excuse me!?”

The whole confession booth seemed to shake with her anger. But Mary didn’t back down. She’d already faced Dakota’s wrath in regard to Sylvia once before, when she’d been eliminated. And that had been face to face.

Here, in the confession booth? In the Lord’s house?

Mary had nothing to fear.

“When you get upset about something, do you always respond with anger?” Mary asked, knowing on some level that would just make the host even more upset, but unable to keep from pushing the envelope.

“SCREW YOU!”

“So that’s a yes, then. Don’t take that tone with me, I’m the one here trying to help you, remember?” Mary did her best to channel Amelia’s attitude, hoping that if she could put on the visage of an unshakable, mature older woman, that she would somehow gain the strength.

Mary was once again grateful for the opaque screen separating the two of them; Dakota wouldn’t be able to see her knees knocking.

At the moment, Dakota had descended into a strange blend of grumbling and feral screeching. A primal, unnerving noise. But soon enough, even that stopped.

“Why do you keep asking me questions I don’t know how to answer?” Dakota suddenly replied, sounding almost like a different person in her serene calmness.

The tranquility of her voice threw Mary so much she didn’t reply for a second.

“I… I don’t know,” Mary said lamely.

It earned her a bitter laugh.

“HA! Well… isn’t that just perfect? Because neither do I.”

Mary felt the air curdling around her. Whatever had just happened had been a mistake. If she didn’t do something, fast, the conversation would die, and with it, any chance of reaching Dakota right now.

She needed to say something! But what!? Mary opened her mouth, but before she could blurt out some inane, feel-good consolation that Dakota would reject out of hand, the host herself restarted the conversation.

“It’s all so frustrating,” Dakota muttered. “Feeling like this… I shouldn’t… that’s not… this isn’t who I am!”

“Feeling like what?” Mary asked cautiously, not wanting to lead Dakota anywhere in specific. She wanted Dakota to be the one to take as many steps as she could right now.

“It’s like… this weight. Bearing down on me. Pulling me deeper. I don’t understand it… I don’t know where I’d begin to,” Dakota said, grinding her teeth together. “But when I close my eyes… it’s like I’m back in the water again. Everything around me is dark… it’s not like water at all, it’s like oil. It’s clinging to me, pulling me deeper, and even when I struggle and try to claw my way out… it won’t let me at all.”

Mary grimaced at the mental picture Dakota painted. “That sounds… like a horrible nightmare, Dakota,” she said softly.

“But it’s not a nightmare. It’s my life,” Dakota replied. Mary could hear her start scraping her nails again. “And it’s so… familiar. It’s not like when I drowned. But… it’s a familiar feeling. One that’s stuck with me ever since I came to this place.”

“A familiar feeling… like you know what it is?” Mary asked, alarmed and curious.

“…I know exactly what it is,” Dakota curtly replied, not elaborating any further.

The tension in the air urged Mary to let this pass. She could sense how difficult of a topic this was for Dakota. But that was exactly why she couldn’t just end things like this. Of course she couldn’t! Dakota… Dakota needed someone to dig deeper. To help her unpack these feelings she refused to unpack herself. Or maybe that she wasn’t able to unpack herself.

“…What is it?” Mary knew the risk she was taking by asking that. But she had to. “That familiar feeling, Dakota, what is it?”

Silence. It seemed to cling to every surface, just like the oily substance Dakota described.

Then, Dakota finally broke the silence, with an admission Mary never would have imagined she’d get so easily from the other woman.

“…It’s my guilt.”

Mary’s eyes widened with surprise. “Wh-what?”

“It’s guilt. I know it is,” Dakota said, her voice turning dangerous. Not threatening, not angry, just… it took on a quality that made Mary shiver. Like Dakota was about to do something drastic.

“That’s ridiculous, right?” Dakota sneered. “Me… feeling guilt. After everything I’ve done, after the lives I’ve… ruined…” She could use that word now. “…Is it even possible for me to feel bad about it?”

“Of course it is,” Mary assured her, her voice free of judgment or scorn. “You’re only human, Dakota. Humans feel guilt when they do something bad. When they hurt others, a good person will-”

“But that’s just it, I’m not a person!” Dakota sharply interrupted her. “And I’m certainly not a good person! I’m the fucking host, Mary, it’s my whole fucking job to-”

“But you changed,” Mary cut her off. “That transformation changed you. You’re not the person you were when you did those things, Dakota. Back then, you were haunted and empty. You thought you’d lost Nick forever. You thought that you’d spend the rest of your life in this grim, empty place. You were just a little girl who died before she could truly get to live, you were hurt, and like a wounded animal you lashed out at everything around you. But… you don’t have to be that person anymore, Dakota! With those new memories, you can change! You can be happy again, you can live a new life, you-”

“But I’m still stuck here.”

Mary’s voice died in her throat. She sank down into her seat and tried to swallow, knowing there was nothing she could say in response.

“…I thought, just once, that I could be different,” Dakota said. “…No, two times. Two times, I believed, I truly believed… that things could change for me.”

The painful bitterness in her voice stung Mary’s heart.

“The first time… my first time…” Dakota bit her lip. “With… with Nick. We… it wasn’t his first, but… in that moment… it didn’t matter. It was perfect. If we could have just stayed there forever… if I could freeze time for just an instant… it would be then. Right then… if I could just go back there and be that woman again… but you can’t stop time. Not forever. It always catches up with you…”

“But you could have that again,” Mary said quietly. “Even if you’re the host… there’s nothing stopping you from being with Nick like that again, Dakota… he would accept you if you asked him, I know he would…”

“…The second time,” Dakota rasped, pointedly ignoring Mary’s plea, “was in the third challenge.”

Mary blinked. The third challenge? “You mean… the… the cooking challenge? THAT one?”

Dakota nodded. “That’s right… back then… everyone got a glimpse of their possible future. That was the nature of it, right? I’ve gotta say… for someone like Sylvia? That was impressive. She really got me… I saw what I was like… before. The real me. Stripped of Nick’s love and affection. Stripped of what little goodness I still had in me back then. I saw what awaited me… and I tried to reject it. I didn’t want to go back… back to that.”

She squeezed her cane tightly. But now she didn’t have a choice.

Mary was stunned by Dakota’s revelation. “That… then… then Dakota, that… that’s wonderful! Don’t you see? You knew! You knew that you didn’t want to be this way!” She gushed. “You could feel that it was wrong, you tried to reject it-!”

“So fucking what!?” Dakota erupted, slamming Mary back into her seat through sheer **** of emotion. “How does any of that change ANYTHING about anything!? Maybe once, I’d hoped that I could put all those terrible things I’d done behind me, but that’s over now! This IS who I am, I’m the host! It’s my role to give Nick everything he wants, to guide him into the person the audience wants him to be, the person he needs to be! I thought I could just ignore what I’d done, but I can’t! That’s all part of me, Mary, and all your measly little prayers won’t make any difference whatsoever!”

“That’s not true,” Mary replied, refusing to cow to the outburst of emotion pouring out of the other woman. “The only thing that matters is what you choose to do now, Dakota. The Lord can forgive all sins. No matter what bad things you’ve done in the past, if you feel remorse for them in your heart and seek His forgiveness, then you can be absolved.”

Dakota began scraping her nails again. “And what if I don’t want to be absolved?” She hissed. “Maybe this is what I’m meant to be?”

“You mean it’s your penance?” Mary questioned. “So you’re willing to stay here, alone, suffering, to atone for the damage you’ve done? That would certainly be fitting, I suppose… but is that what you want?”

Silence held lease over the confession booth once more.

“…What I want doesn’t matter,” Dakota finally muttered out. “It never has. That’s the thing with you religious types, right? God’s ‘divine plan’? What’s that saying? ‘The Lord works in mysterious ways’? As if to imply that we’re all just pawns, puppets, acting out our lives for his cosmic amusement, when he KNOWS what will happen.”

“I don’t think that’s the right perspective to have,” Mary replied. “Rather, whether that’s true or not, it doesn’t matter. The Lord gave us free will. What we choose to do with that… is what really matters. Even if He knows the choices we make, it is still our ability to make them for ourselves.”

Dakota threw back her head and laughed. “Are you listening to yourself right now!? God ‘knows’ the choice we will make, but he still ‘lets’ us choose! How is that free will!? It’s just the illusion of free will, you stupid little girl! When the truth is, our entire life from before we were even born has been crafted by a script that we can’t know, and all we can do is live out our lives the way we’re meant to. And then we call it free will. But that’s only because we can’t read anything past the current page. That’s all your glorious ‘free will’ is, you stupid little nothing.”

Mary could not argue against Dakota’s fatalistic statement. Not with any argument involving reason or science. The truth was, Dakota illustrated an obvious hypocrisy in Mary’s beliefs. If God was all-knowing and all-powerful, then he knew what everyone was going to do already. In that case, could it truly be said that humans had free will?

Logically, from the perspective of God, the answer to that question would have to be “No.”

But… that wasn’t really the point, was it?

“I don’t think that’s really important,” Mary replied.

Dakota snorted. “Of course you don’t. That’s the thing with you religious types. If something is inconvenient, you just ignore it. You refuse to confront anything that makes you uncomfortable or question your beliefs at all!”

Mary’s eye twitched. The nerve of Dakota saying that, of all people! But she held back her temper because she knew the other woman just didn’t understand.

“The reason He gave us free will is so that you could be here sitting with me, Dakota, that’s what I believe,” Mary said simply.

“…What?” The sound of confusion in Dakota’s voice brought a smirk to Mary’s lips. She could just imagine the look of not understanding smeared all across the other woman’s face.

“We have free will, even if our actions are not free,” Mary explained. “Every time, always, we have the choice. He may know what choice we are going to make, but that does not absolve us of the responsibility we have for making that choice in the first place. That is why we have free will. So that we understand the weight of our actions and the responsibility we bear with every decision we make. He knows what we will do. But it is our responsibility to make that choice, and we must accept the consequences of it.”

She paused, hoping her words would have some effect on the woman sitting beside her.

“…How fucking convenient for him, then,” Dakota muttered bitterly. “So it’s all on us, then. He gets to just sit back and laugh with that fucking smile on His face, and wag His finger at us stupid little humans for not doing the right thing, when He knows that we wouldn’t. Talk about condescension!”

“God is all things, He is the ultimate, the everything,” Mary replied simply, understanding Dakota’s hurt but not letting it shake her convictions. “His love is beyond what we can understand. And it is because He gave you the freedom to make your own choices that you can now feel bad about them, Dakota. And in doing so, you now stand before Him, seeking His forgiveness. Through me.”

Mary held her head up with pride, knowing that however Dakota tried to refute her position, that she’d still gotten through to the other woman on some level.

“That’s so fucking shit… fuck…” Dakota muttered in frustration, scraping her nails again. “So He gave us free will just so we’d feel bad and come running to his skirt to feel better about it? And if we don’t, we just wallow in fucking misery. Accept Him or suffer with guilt. Like spreading a deadly disease and then ransoming the cure.”

That… sure was an analogy. Mary wasn’t sure how to respond to that.

Dakota continued to mutter, shaking her head as dark thoughts swirled around her. Free will. Yeah, it really was a fucking disease.

“Would you be happier, Dakota, if you could blame your actions on someone else?” Mary asked quietly. “I’m sure you would be. It would feel quite convenient, no? ‘It’s not my fault, it’s their fault.’ Well, I’ve been there myself. With Nick. I know how intoxicating it can be to just blame someone else for everything and tell yourself it isn’t your fault, that you’re not responsible. You can sleep with a clear conscience, even when you know you’ve caused someone else great harm…”

Mary’s voice cracked. The cruelty of her actions back then, all over a misunderstanding… “…It’s never easy. To atone for the pain you’ve inflicted on others. And what I’ve done… it can’t even compare to your sins, Dakota. I’m sorry. I truly am sorry.”

“Save it.” Dakota didn’t need to be told that salvation was beyond her grasp. Like she didn’t fucking know that already!? Everything she’d done… it was beyond forgiveness. She couldn’t make amends. She couldn’t undo the transformations even if she wanted to.

“So what… what do I even do, then?” She asked, and to Mary’s ears she sounded like a little girl. Like that scared little girl that had drowned in the river. “How am I supposed… to get rid of all this pain?! Huh?!”

Mary bit her lip. “Why not start with what you can change, then?” She asked quietly. “There are people you’ve wronged, Dakota, who ARE still within your reach. People who you can try to make amends with… try to atone. If you want to, I mean…”

“…You mean Sylvia?” Dakota’s voice hardened again. “I told you to drop it. That thing…”

“Don’t call her a thing,” Mary snapped. “You don’t even believe it’s true! So just stop!” Mary didn’t understand why Dakota was so mean to her. Of all the inexplicable things Dakota did, that one she truly could not understand.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Dakota growled. “You helpless little girl…”

“You said you were lonely!” Mary cried. “That when Nick leaves with the rest of us, you’ll be all alone! But you won’t create another Sylvia to pass your powers onto, even though you feel trapped here! Why is that!? If she really is nothing to you, it should be easy to create another one of her! But you won’t, even if it could give you the freedom you want! Why?!”

“You don’t know anything!” Dakota roared, the entire confession booth shaking. “You think the producers would really let me do that!?”

“Oh, that’s a copout and you know it!” Mary snapped right back, her righteous indignation not losing out to the other woman’s fury. “Forget about the producers, if that was really the reason then the idea would have already occurred to you, even if you rejected it! But you never did! So don’t try and shift it to someone else, Dakota, and just answer the question, why won’t you make another Sylvia!? If she really is nothing to you, if you don’t see her as a person, then why not!?”

Mary had to stop to catch her breath. But before she could, she heard a rustling noise.

Then the sound of the door to the confession booth sliding open filled her veins with ice.

“Dakota!” Mary burst out of the confession booth, watching with horror as the other woman stormed towards the chapel doors.

“I’m done!” Dakota snapped at her. “I’m leaving!”

“The hell you are!” Mary was so **** that she didn’t even think about the blasphemy of using that word in this holy place. She chased after Dakota, her heart pounding in her chest. “You’re just being a cowardly brat!”

“Fuck you!” Dakota turned on her and flipped her the middle finger, her face filled with rage. “Leave me alone! I’m done with this stupid confession!”

Mary didn’t back down. “If you wanted to leave, you could have used your cane!” She pointed out. “Instead, you’re running off like a tantruming child! Sounds to me like you WANTED me to chase after you!”

“FUCK YOU!” Dakota screeched again.

“Sylvia is a person!” Mary exclaimed, the truth of her words echoing through the chapel. “You KNOW she is! Deep down, you KNOW! It’s why you’re drowning in guilt, Dakota! Maybe you didn’t used to think that way, maybe you were able to bury those feelings before, but since she became human, you’ve found it impossible to argue, haven’t you!? You’ve acknowledged the fact that Sylvia is a person, and now you feel guilty about all the things you’ve done to her! How you treated her, how you’re still treating her! I’m right, aren’t I?!”

“Shut up! SHUT UP!” Dakota screamed, tugging at the fringe of hair clinging to her face from her sweat. “You don’t know! Okay!? You have no idea! About ANYTHING! She’s not a person! She’s not! She can’t be!”

Dakota fell to her knees in agitation.

Mary slowly approached her, knowing it was dangerous but not seeing any other choice. Obviously, she understood why Dakota needed it to be the case that Sylvia wasn’t a person. After all, if Sylvia was a person, then that meant Dakota was responsible for all the horrible things she’d done to her.

But there was something else there, too. Something else in Dakota’s heart that was holding her back. Mary didn’t know what it was. Maybe love? Some kind of affection? That would likely be too much to ask for. And it wouldn’t be fair to Sylvia, either.

“If you feel bad about how you’ve treated Sylvia… then she can’t be just a construct, can she?” Mary whispered, stating her case in a way even Dakota could not deny. “She’s real. She’s your daughter, then. A real, living human being that you created.”

Dakota’s head snapped up. Her eyes were bloodshot.

“No,” she growled, creeping towards Mary on the ground like a feral animal. “She’s not a person… she’s not.”

Mary crouched down so they were looking eye to eye. Her glittering cross hung between them like the Sword of Damocles.

“She is a person. You may not want to acknowledge it, but she is. So what then, Dakota? What does that mean for you? If Sylvia is real… then you’ve wronged her, isn’t that right?”

Dakota scraped her nails across her floor, curling up her hands into fists. “…That’s right,” she growled. “I have. And so what if I have?”

Mary raised her eyebrow. “You don’t care?” All the sins Dakota had admitted to feeling guilt over, and how she treated Sylvia wasn’t one of them?

A broken sneer stretched across Dakota’s face and her golden eyes dropped to Mary’s stomach. “You’re saying I should see Sylvia as my daughter… what a naïve way of looking at things. Look at you, mommy dearest. Soon enough, you’ll be a mother… right? And what will you do then?”

Mary blinked, not at all understanding what Dakota was trying to say. “Excuse me?”

“That child… those children? In your belly…” Dakota raised her hand and her fingers traced across Mary’s exposed midriff, making her shiver. Dakota’s touch was as cold as ice. “What will you do then? When they’re born?”

“I-I don’t-”

“You love Nick, don’t you?” Dakota whispered, her voice filled with menace. “Of course you do…”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Mary demanded, grabbing Dakota’s hand and pulling it away from her. She squeezed the other woman’s wrist tightly. “What does my love of Nick have to do with my children?!”

“Will you love them? Your children with him?” Dakota sneered, her eyes sinking into her head as she let out a broken laugh. “Well, of course you will! You treasonous girl! You’ll love those little children of yours, and then Nick will be a distant memory to you… of course he will! Ahahahaha…”

“I’ll love both my husband AND my children!” Mary said, shaking her head incredulously. What kind of insanity was Dakota speaking? She couldn’t get a firm grasp on the host, only on her wrist.

“That’s it, don’t you see?!” Dakota exclaimed. “That’s why you shouldn’t have been his wife! You could NEVER love him like I do! I’m the one, ME! I’m the one who loves him the most! You… you share your love with others! With those little runts growing inside you! Nick is the ONLY one! The only one for me, that’s why it should be ME! Not you!”

The madness in Dakota’s words… it struck a chord in Mary’s heart. Her eyes widened with wonder and her mouth fell open as realization dawned on her.

“So that’s it… it isn’t just that you don’t love Sylvia… you hate her, don’t you?”

“YES!” Dakota screeched, a shaky, giddy smile spreading across her frantic lips. “I hate her! I HATE HER! I HATE HER! Wretched little thing! So what if she’s a person?! That doesn’t matter! I hate her! I HATE HER!”

She tore her hand away from Mary and clutched her chest, digging her nails painfully into her breast. “That wretched little beast, turning me away from him, making me BETRAY him like this… NO! I’m not like that! I’m NOT! I will never-! NO!”

“Dakota! Stop it!” Mary cried, tears rolling down her cheeks. She pulled Dakota’s hands aside and tried to get her to calm down, and in the process, the two women fell over. They landed on the floor of the church, Dakota on her back and Mary leaning over her, pinning her hands beside her head.

Mary looked down into Dakota’s golden eyes and saw they were just as filled with tears as hers were.

“…Hate her…” Dakota whispered, whimpering and trembling like a scared child. “I hate her… I have to…”

“Why?” Mary asked. It didn’t make any sense.

“Because… I promised!” Dakota wailed, starting to bawl. “I promised him… I promised!”

The vow was as clear in her heart as the day she’d made it.

“I promise, no matter what, I will never love anyone as much as I love you.”

“I promised him…” Dakota sobbed, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I promised him I wouldn’t love anyone else… as much as I love him… I promised… I… I-!”

Mary didn’t know what to say. The world stopped turning, her heart stopped beating, everything about her just fell away, as if Dakota was all that mattered.

“I have to hate her,” Dakota hissed, her tears burning in her eyes as she dug her nails into her palm. “That’s why I hate her. Are you happy now? Because if I don’t hate her, then I might love her. ...And how could I do that to him?”

How could she break her promise to him? She couldn’t. She wouldn’t.

It was the only thing she had left at this point.