Marianne, Petra, and Ingrid meet Byleth, Darkness, and Megumin

You know, it’s always a worry when two friend groups meet, ya feel me?

There’s like this person you become with one set of people that doesn't always match the one you crafted for another. And usually that’s fine–people put on masks etc. etc.–but are the two people you are compatible enough to mix their friends?

Thankfully for me, after about an hour of hanging out in my room, Marianne, Petra, and Ingrid started to get along with Megumin and Darkness.

It was nice to just relax and catch up with a mix of new and old friends. Filling them in about the crazy stuff that had happened. Landing on Rhea, getting enrolled, making friends, needing to raise money through jobs and manga sales, and complaining avidly about the amount of chores Manuela is making me do. I’d avoided bringing up the fact I could get hard though. Seemed inappropriate to bring up such a topic to Darkness’ new wife.

Megumin and Darkness had landed relatively close together, surviving in the woods for a few days before getting found by Jeralt’s gang of bounty hunters. Megumin became their sudden powerhouse for blowing apart strongholds. If it was a video game she’d have done entire map clears of the enemy team on her first turn. She was clearly loving the attention from Jeralt’s mercenaries threw at her.

They’d arrived at Garreg Mach because their latest job–protecting the heads of the three houses from this place–had meant they saved the lives of some pretty important people. As such, they’d offered a teacher role to the one that had taken out the most bandits: Byleth.

Oh yeah, despite what Darkness had claimed, she had gotten soft married to that Byleth girl. Some ceremony that took place that ‘tied two sexual relief partners together in matrimony’. Sounded like marriage to me, but apparently it's a non-exclusive thing. Byleth kept calling Darkness her wife, if only to tease the tall blonde. It was kinda cute to see the masochist tamed so easily. And Darkness did really seem to like Byleth, they kept holding hands around each other and had pet names for each other.

Still, nice to see everyone getting along.

“Kazuma! This ‘The Crimson Demon Village’ sounds incredible! Why have you never spoken of it before?”

“Yeah, Kazuma? Why have you never mentioned me to Petra before?”

Maybe too well.

“You know, reasons.”

Petra’s eyes were sparkling, “Do you think this ‘explosion’ spell would be useful in hunting?”

“Oh yeah, definitely,” Megumin grinned, “Just… if you want to eat the meat afterwards make sure you only use it on big monsters. I’ve found the deer and bears around these parts… well, let’s just say they ‘scatter’ rather easily…”

“Those are the reasons.” I mumbled before moving on to a different part of the mini-party.

While Petra and Megumin bonded, Ingrid was taking notes from Darkness. We observe the shorter blonde feeling up the bicep of the larger embarrassed one, “Your muscles really are incredible, Miss Darkness. I’d love to have real hench arms like this, you said your training regimen involves some form of physical pain?”

“I-it’s just a method I use to… motivate myself…” Darkness admittedly awkwardly, getting even more flustered when my lowered eyelids aimed at her, “I d-didn’t mean it like that, Kazuma! I just mean that when I workout for long hours my muscles feel so painful and achy and sore and…” She trailed off, realising she wasn’t helping her case.

“Wow! You really seem to like to get a good workout!” Ingrid smiled innocently. “I’ve never heard of physical pain as a motivator! Maybe I should start doing something similar?”

Definitely getting along too well.

I continued to waft through the party, hearing Marianne talk quietly on the bed, “A-are you still listening?”

I can understand why Marianne was confused, after chatting with Byleth for a while I’d noticed that this new bluenette was quite intensely quiet at times. Like, overly calm? Quite different from the old useless bluenette that we used to have. She was always listening, barely ever reacting. No gasps, eye raises, laughter, or frowns. Byleth just kept her small smile on while you talked, took a pause, then dropped the perfect line to say every time. It was hard not to find her a little fascinating, if strange.

The new girl, Byleth, nodded, “Yes of course, I find your voice so intoxicatingly cute I could listen for hours. Please, continue your story.”

My Blueberry was blushing, “O-okay… well, then we went for a horse ride with Kazuma grabbing my breasts from behind. We had a picnic and did it twelve-no… thirteen times before heading back to the Mach.”

“And you say this ‘Dorte’ can back up your claims?” asked Byleth, stroking her chin.

“Yes? But… um, do you not believe me?”

Byleth tossed the idea around in her head for a moment before shrugging, “Considering how unlikely it is? Forgive me for just having some scepticism on the subject of a male desiring orgasms like a woman.” She explained, looking over at me and smiling without me even needing to announce my presence, “He’s either a brilliant hypnotist or a man of erectile legend. This is why I thought your horse might provide more evidence, rather than walking over to him and removing his underwear with my teeth.”

“...you’re going to be our teacher, aren’t you?” I asked, frowning at her bizarre cadence.

It just so happened that this was when the party vibe started to fall apart for all three groups at once.

“Hey… Kazuma? Why is Petra telling me about the way she ‘suckles your pole of meat’?” asked Megumin, approaching me.

“Um, yes… Ingrid is telling me about similar things…” said a very red Darkness. “Have you b-b-been doing… untoward things in this school?!”

Ingrid looked worried, “S-sorry! I thought you said you guys were friends! Have you not told them?!”

“Told us what?” asked Megumin, giving me a suspicious look.

“I’m more surprised you two haven’t sussed it out since you’ve been in this world,” I shot back at her.

“What?! What don’t we know?!” she repeated, growling in frustration.

Marianne gulped and stood up, putting herself between me and my two friends. It looked like she was trying to be brave as if she was outing my sexuality or something. With a hand on my shoulder she explained, “Kazuma is… special,” She admitted, gently pointing down to my crotch, “Special… down there.”

Darkness and Megumin blinked.

They blinked again.

Then they both stifled chuckles by looking away.

“Hey!” I barked, “What with that reaction?!”

“Sorry! I just can’t believe you got them to go along with this!” giggled Darkness, wiping a tear from her eye. “Same old Kazuma.”

“I know right?! What, did you say you have a ‘magic wiener’ or something?!” Megumin was nearly on the floor laughing.

Ingrid, Marianne, and Petra all seemed rather bothered by these two laughing at me.

Ingrid stood first, “You don’t understand. It can get… hard.”

“Hard hard.” agreed Marianne.

“Yes.” Darkness nodded.

“Yeah.” Ingrid nodded. Expecting the shoe to drop any second now.

“...”

Why do I feel so embarrassed by this shit?

“Is that it?” asked Megumin, looking really confused by the three seemingly smart girls trying to tell them that boners exist. “Crimson Demon sex education is way better than this Mach’s. And we had a teacher claiming to be the world’s greatest lover.”

Ingrid huffed in growing frustration, “We know guys CAN get hard, but you know how rare it is! Kazuma actually enjoys it!”

“Hard enough for penetrative poundings! He does the sexual groaning and produces the male milk from his round sack!” Petra nodded in a tone that insisted I was amazing.

Once more, my two friends tried to digest the information being thrown at them.

“Kazuma, I’m confused.” said Darkness

I placed my hand on my face and sighed. Some things really never change. I looked back at the blonde with a frown, “You two can connect dots here yourselves, can’t you?” I said, widening my eyes to try and mentally push the obvious answers into their heads, “I’m special here. Unique.”

It took about a minute for both of them to finally fucking clue in to the damn premise. “...oohhhh.”

“That explains why all the girls have been extra flirty here,” said Megumin.

“And why I haven’t felt the probing eyes of the male gaze at all–even on my breasts–since we got here,” said my subtle crusader.

“And you…” Megumin pointed at me, slowing down as her eyes glanced over my three girlfriends. Deeply and profoundly cringing at me, “Maaaannnnnn. You scumbag.”

I grabbed her lapel and started hiss whispering at her quietly, “What was I supposed to do?! They were throwing themselves at me!”

“I guess. It just feels… icky,” she said, a shudder running through her spine as she looked over the confused trio, “This really is Heaven for you, isn’t it?”

“Kinda!”

“Kazuma! Kazuma! What kind of things have you done?!” asked Darkness, joining in our huddle a little too tightly, “You scoundrel! You should have waited until I was here before you ravaged–I mean–I should have been here to protect the innocent lives from your hedonism!”

“Silence, Idiot Masochist!” I growled at her.

“I appreciate Kazuma for not waiting for you to appear to ravage me,” said Petra.

“My love, did I not ravage you enough last night?” asked Byleth to Darkness.

“Y-you did! B-but-I-uhh-”

“Ahh, my cute wife is always so easy to tease,” the teacher smiled softly, “I jest. I too want to taste this ‘ravaging’ that Kazuma is offering.”

“Everyone stop saying ravage!” I snapped.

Megumin tutted her head, “Well, hope you had your fun. Doesn’t sound like you did anything but take advantage of these poor love starved fools,” she gestured to the increasingly agitated trio, “Still, things are going to have to change when the captain leaves tomorrow.”

Ingrid tilted her head, “Wait. Jeralt’s leaving so soon?”

“Yeah, he was just dropping Byleth off for her new teaching job,” said Megumin, “He needs us on a mission for about a month hunting creepy old wizards. I think he’s gonna like you, just be warned about his snoring when you sleep in the guy’s tents. Some of the men are looking around town today for any magic for that-”

“Wait wait wait, what’s happening?” asked Marianne, cutting someone off for maybe the first time ever.

Megumin titled her head at her, “Well… you know…” she gestured as if Marianne should fill in the gaps, “Kazuma’s our friend? So he’s coming with us?”

“WHAT?!”

“Woah! Don’t I get a say in this?”

Megumin was still reeling from the three girls yelling at her that her anger quickly directed towards me, “I assumed you’d be the most vocal in keeping the party together, oh leader of ours,” she growled, “We can’t stay here, we’re indebted to Jeralt for taking us in. Besides, me and Darkness aren’t exactly enrolled.”

“But Kazuma needs to stay here!” Petra insisted.

“Mmhmm, I’m sure he does.”

“What is that tone for?” asked Ingrid, eyes tightening. “You have something you wanna say?”

“Like you don’t know,” she snipped, turning back to me, “Kazuma. We aren’t from here. We need to stick together, you know that. What happens if one of us finds a way to go home?”

“I like it here! Why would I need to go back to smelly old Axel?”

Megumin scoffed, “You just like it because of your stupid penis. The thing that always gets you into trouble. Like it already has here! What happened to all those ‘damned chores’ you were just whining about?!”

Shit, nearly forgot about those. I had been complaining about them quite avidly during the party.

Still, that didn’t mean Megumin got to determine where I got to live.

“Things could get better! And I’ve made friends here!”

“Come on,” Megumin clicked her tongue at me, “You just told us that these girls don’t even really like you!”

“Hey! Of course we like him!”

“Yeah!”

“More than just for his wiener?” Megumin was really not here to make friends with that tone, “There are way better looking guys around here. If that tall blonde guy in the blue or the fancy man in the yellow got the ability to have a–you know–you wouldn’t jump ship from Kazuma to them? Really?”

“No!” said Marianne.

“We wouldn’t!” agreed Ingrid.

Petra stood up defiantly, “Kazuma is good at the sex!”

There was a beat where Megumin looked somewhat triumphant and Petra’s allies looked quite despondent.

Ingrid pulled on her top, “Uh, Petra… we’re trying to-”

Petra just continued her speech, “This should not be the reason he leaves. Kazuma asks me how my day is, he lets me be near with him at lunch time of food, I am always happy to see him smiling at me because he is a good person! Why must he be punished for also being good at the sex?”

Megumin sighed, “I’m not…”

“He’s also really smart!” Ingrid added, “He’s really changed this school with his inventions! He taught me how to use magic skills to make my sword attacks stronger too!”

Marianne looked almost angry, but had never been very good at letting out her emotions. Keeping her hands tightly clenched to her chest, she approached Megumin with a fervent determination I’d never seen from my Blueberry before. “I… I definitely l-like Kazuma for more than just his penis.” her voice was clearly trying to hold back tears, but her eyes stayed firmly stern, “I definitely definitely definitely do.”

For a moment they both just stared at each other. Marianne doing everything in her power to stand as firm as she could against the girl threatening to take me away.

“Okay! Okay. I get it, I’m the bad guy here. Call off your strike patrol, Kazuma,” she relented, moving back so she had Darkness in front of her again. There was a moment where everyone still scowled at her, and she added a quiet, “Sorry.” before turning away.

I quickly let Marianne take my hand, grasping it tightly as she used me for balance. I could tell even that minor altercation was a lot for her shy heart to handle, but she did it all for me.

“Well… I think it's a moot point anyway,” said Darkness after a few moments of awkward silence, “If the three of us are here then Aqua surely is too. We shouldn’t be leaving this world until we find her and reunite our full party together.”

“Oh, Aqua’s there.”

I pointed to an empty corner of the room.

Everyone blinked at the nothing that was there, then turned at me confused.

Ingrid grimaced at me, “...Kazuma? Did you hit your head?”

“No, there’s a Goddess lady that the three of us know, but she’s currently trapped in the spirit realm with a loli named ‘Sothis’. I guess only I can see her,” I explained. Aqua had been sitting there enjoying the party by drinking and eating snacks she’d brought herself. Laughing at all the jokes and trying to speak even though I was the only one hearing her. It was really goddamn annoying.

“Oh, is that who that is?” asked Byleth, looking directly at Aqua who was blinking in surprise.

“Y-you can see her?”

“You can see me?!” asked Aqua in annoying repetition.

Byleth nodded with a smile, walking forwards to get on one knee in front of the slob, “I thought I was just being visited by a beauty from beyond the stars. To think I’d get the chance to see a real life Goddess with my own eyes.”

“Hmhm! Finally, someone who understands my beauty! Kazuma! Darkness’ wife is really smart, isn’t she?!”

“I’d like to think so,” said Byleth, offering to take her spiritual hand before gently kissing the air, “And you’re in a party with both Lalatina and Kazuma? Tell me, would you be open to joining us for some bedroom fun at some point? A foursome between Kazuma, you, me, and Lalatina sounds rather pleasant, does it not?”

“...never mind Kazuma, she’s an idiot.”

“Tell her that I appreciate her blessing my village!” said Petra.

“She can hear you fine,” I explained, “Let’s not talk about the new village of Axis cultists we accidentally made in this world…”

“Great! So we’re all here! And now Kazuma wants to split us up again!” Megumin huffed.

Darkness tried to soothe her friend, “It’s only for a month. Maybe we can ask for jobs in Garreg Mach like By when we come back?”

“And then what, stay here where Kazuma’s dick is happiest?” Megumin grumbled, glaring at me once more. Before anyone could argue back, Megumin stomped her way towards the door, taking one last look at me with rage in her eyes and venom in her tone, “You may like it here, but me and Darkness have family back in Axel. Do you really think it’s fair to stay here forever?”

And just like that she was gone.

There were a few moments as I considered what she was saying. I didn’t want her to never see her family again, but I literally had no idea how we could get back! Did I want to stay? Yeah, obviously. This is my third world to live in and this is the only one where life is absolutely going my way. Did I hate living with the three in the mansion? …well, no. I have been missing that life too with all this chore bullshit I’ve been dealing with here. I can’t deny that. What should I do? Especially about Megumin…

“She was just excited to see you again, Kazuma,” said Darkness, as if hearing my thoughts, “I was too. Am. And I’m happy to see you’ve already developed such wonderful bonds here. Just… don’t forget about us, okay?” She asked with a slightly sad smile that made my heart ache for some reason.

“I’d never forget your inappropriate moans, Lalatina.”

She didn’t seem to even have it in her to yell at me for using that name, just reaching over and giving me a pat on the shoulder. “Take care of Byleth for me, won’t you?”

And just like that, Darkness walked off after Megumin.

I’d see them again before they left tomorrow, but it was good to give them both some space. This whole thing must be eating at them too. It was good that they had each other for support, while I had my three girls who quickly huddled up to me.

“You okay, Kazuma?”

“A-are you going to go with them?”

“If you do, may we be going with?”

I sighed, feeling that scumbag comment Megumin made all the more at the nice things they’d all said about me. I probably didn’t really deserve their kindness, but it wasn’t something I was gonna outright reject either. “Even if I said yes, none of you could, right? Marianne would have her family coming after her, Petra’s here as a weird legal prisoner thing, and Ingrid is first heir of house Galactus or something.”

“Galatea, jerk,” she playfully nudged him. “And they’d understand once I explained what you are.”

“My family would understand too,” Marianne insisted. Petra stayed quiet, knowing her fate would tie her to Fódlan far too much, even if a man of ‘erectile legend’ was here.

I sighed. Nothing I do is really fair here.

SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM!

We all jumped at the sudden noises the door was making behind me.

“Satou Kazuma! Get out here!”

Crap! Shit! Dicks Fuckington! The chores!

I’d totally just run off from my duty once Darkness and Megumin showed up! The teachers said if I took even five minutes too long on my break they could kick me out of the school!

What am I gonna do?!

I quickly shoved the three girls to the side of the room away from the door and then slowly opened it up to a very angry looking Manuela.

“H-hi~”

Smooth talk immediately failed. She clasped at my wrist with little care for my health, “Come with me. We’re going straight to Rhea with-”

Then I was suddenly pulled back into my room. Out of Manuela’s grasp before a woman put herself between me and Manuela. Pressing tit to tit against the angry woman that had it out for me was blue haired betrothed herself, Byleth.

“I’ll be taking over Satou Kazuma’s education starting from now.”

Manuela looked ready to blow a gasket, “And who the hell are you?!”

“I’m the new teacher. Byleth Eisner. Pleased to meet you,” she said overly politely to really dig in how much this wasn’t going the way Manuela had planned.

“That so?” She asked, eyebrow twitching. “Well, I’m afraid I am in charge of Satou Kazuma until you’re officially sworn in. I will be taking him with me now!”

Byleth stepped in front of me once again, “Did you hear the news? I saved the three heads of house from being kidnapped by bandits. Why, after something so incredible, I’m sure that would give me enough favours to request just about anything, wouldn’t you?”

Their eyes were locked in an eternal war. Glaring daggers and superiority complexes at each other without a single word being spoken for a whole minute. Neither backed down, and it was making me nervous the longer they didn’t speak.

“...why are you standing up for this horrid boy?”

Byleth turned around briefly to smile her small smile at me, “He’s a friend of a friend. That’s enough for me.” She nodded warmly, then turning back to Manuela she added, “Besides, I hear he’s rather special.”

Getting nowhere fast, Manuela decided to try and win the war, not the battle. With a small scoff, she turned haughtily away from Byleth, adding one final curse upon me, “Seems the Gods favour you, Satou Kazuma. Next time you won’t be so lucky.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll ride him for all he’s worth. He may be losing hours of sleep once I’m through with him.” said Byleth, taking me upon herself to wrap her arm around me and push my face into her breast while Manuela’s back was turned.

When she was finally far enough away I placed my hand on Byleth’s behind, “Hehe, yeah I’m sure I’ll be so busy that Manuela won’t see me again for a while.”

“Is that because you’re planning on leaving?”

I looked up at my new teacher, staring back down at me with that frighteningly still yet warm face. “No… I…”

Byleth turned back around, looking at the three girls I’d had to push to the side in order to hide them. Calmly she said, “If you three will excuse us, I’m going to take Kazuma on a quick walk. I want to know the kind of man I just risked my new job for.”

Everyone looked at each other confused before Marianne awkwardly shrugged, “S-sure…?”

With a nod, Byleth gently guided me out my room and in the opposite direction of where Manuela had walked from.