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Startup 64: Lawfare
Rova 25, Quent courthouse
“Captain Emrys M’Dair, you stand accused of unauthorized privateering, armed robbery, 5 counts of marooning, 16 counts of ****, 14 counts of ****, 5 counts of coercive enchantment, 6 counts of enslavement of Bag Island citizenry, 12 counts of child trafficking, and public indecency. How do you plead?”
The woman speaking, a halfling with her hair tied back in twin braids, peered at me over a pair of spectacles. She wore a black mantle, and was so tiny that I’d have found her absolutely adorable in any other circumstances. Unfortunately, I was far too pissed to appreciate the miniature judge before me.
I glanced at my lawyer, a chestnut haired halfling named Liam Cusswell, who was busy restraining Rosie from mouthing off. My voice was steady as I gave my response.
“I plead not guilty by reason of self defense.”
“Have you been made aware that House Raffles has declared his willingness to reduce charges to four counts of misdemeanor manslaughter, should you turn over all proceeds of the conflict and provide wergild?”
In other words, hand over a total of more than 20k in value to the court and this all goes away. Real classy, boys.
“I have been informed, and will not be doing so.” I said.
Liam raised a hand.
“I would like to state for the record that my clients have already handed over all captives to this court as a sign of goodwill, and have cooperated fully with the investigation despite the flagrant **** of the legal system.”
Once the scribe finished taking our statements, the trial began in earnest. I sat with as much poise as I could muster, trying not to glower. I wanted to speak up, but I knew that I’d need a skill check to get anything done here. I couldn’t risk a 5% chance of completely shitting the bed with a critical failure. Instead, I went over the last day in my head, trying to figure out if I could have done anything differently.
••••••••••
Earlier in the day
Rosie had docked Gobron’s Ship an hour before me, taking advantage of its smaller size and lack of cargo to nab a free spot. Even so, I was surprised to see her rushing to the end of my dock when I moored the Enterprise.
It takes a while to finish with customs. Who’d she leave in charge of that? Probably Conchobar, given the options.
Rosie was accompanied by a blocky halfling man that strolled behind her, briefcase in hand, and wasted no time explaining the situation.
“Name’s Liam Cusswell.” He said, reaching out a hand to shake. “Lucky for you, I keep an eye out when it comes to family matters. When I saw that the ship my cousin here was supposed to be on had an arrest warrant and bounty put out, I decided to pay a visit.”
“Arrest warrant?” I asked, nonplussed, “For what? I’ve never even been to Quent before.”
“Look, I don’t know how to tell you this nicely so I’ll be blunt.” He’d said, taking a drag from his cigar, “It’s probably all goat shit from what Rosie tells me, but unfortunately Gobron’s employer managed to file his version of events before you got into town. It’s full of holes and the source ain’t good people, but she paid the court fees and you showed up with a ship that’s got the guy’s name painted on the side. You could fuck off right now and you might even get away, but that’ll be an admission of guilt.”
“Who?” I asked, “Who the hell did this? I can not afford to sit around Quent for months for a lawsuit!”
I suppressed panic. I didn’t know much about the Shackles’ legal system; to be frank I was mildly surprised there was such a thing. What I knew from my old world was that lawsuits were expensive and could drag out for years.
“Sinkitah du Bekyar, apparently. Known slaver,” Liam said, “that bitch would catch a bullet in two shakes if she stepped foot in Slipcove, so it shouldn’t be too hard to get you off in a week, tops. I don’t know why she even bothered; you’ve got witnesses, and you’ve got me. You aren’t gonna have to pay for anything except drinks after we win.”
Nowhere near the worst case scenario, but I don’t have a week to spare. I only have 48 days left. That's more than an eighth of my time, right there. Even if Nendra is sailing around in circles somewhere, I have treasures to find. The golems are a nice side hustle but I’m not dumb enough to assume that’ll cover the whole debt, not if I can’t do anything else.
I consciously breathed, focusing on the air entering my lungs until I could quiet the panic.
“So… what, does she have to pay me back for lost time?” I asked.
Liam snorted and took a drag on his cigar.
“You fuckin wish.” He said. “Nah, but she probably will have to pay your legal fees. If I’m feeling saucy we might be able to stick her with a few **** of court charges.”
That’s a thing here? Wow, now I’m depressed that I find that a novel concept.
“If you think it’ll help.” I said. “I know of her. She’s set to inherit a pretty massive slaver fleet. I doubt she’ll care much about any fees.”
“Yeah but if I can make ‘em stick? I get a cut.” Liam flashed a smile at me. “Let a guy dream, eh?”
“Really?” I asked, momentarily distracted, “How much?”
“One tenth of any assets seized.” Liam said. “I could walk home with two hundred if we can convince the court she’s been a naughty girl.”
Two thousand plus legal fees? That’s not back breaking but it’s still enough to hire a hundred people for a year, room and board included. What the hell is Nendra offering this lady?
“What am I allowed to do while this is ongoing?” I asked. “I’d really rather not sit around in a cell with my thumb up my ass for a week.”
“Well I’m sorry Mister M’Dair, but you’d better start oiling up your thumb unless you’ve got connections.” Liam said. “Not just some basic flags, either. I’m talking a priest or official offering to take you in and vouching for you. Otherwise you’ll be in jail until they find somewhere better to keep you.”
Cog, who’d been listening in on the whole conversation, piped up.
“I think I can arrange that.” He said. “I’ll meet you at the court house if the guards show up before I’m back.”
The temple hasn’t exactly been a stalwart ally, but hopefully we can figure something out. They’ve been pretty good about mutual benefit, at least.
“Fine.” I said. “Good. Do that. Preferably someone who doesn’t mind a demon essence distillery on their property. Anything is better than some cell.
Cog nodded and hopped back onto the ship. He ran off with Filli in tow for reasons I didn’t have time to ask about.
“So if you’re done asking questions, I’m gonna need you to start answering some.” Liam said, pulling out a pad of paper. “Basically, I need to know more about this whole fiasco than the gods themselves. So, what supplies did you leave Gobron when you marooned him?”
“Marooned?” I asked. “He ran off after I fended off his boarding parties. I didn’t give him any supplies, but I also barely said two words to the guy.”
Liam looked me in the eye for a second before sighing and turning back to his pad.
“Oh yeah.” He said with a snort. “I can already tell this is gonna be a shit show. So, how about you tell me the whole story.”
••••••••••
Rova 24, one hour after Emrys was arrested
Linu looked into her mirror, trying a few different expressions of varying severity and warmth. All contained at least a small amount of reproof, of course. Cog had more than earned an earful, but she thought that could wait until after their reunion. A minor reminder of what he’d done seemed best, and an invitation to discuss things in more detail over drinks. Coffee, given the early hour, though she had wine available too.
The Enterprise had arrived in port, and by some miracle it had happened on her day off. Oh sure, she had some files to copy, but that took hardly any time at all. She only pretended that it took more time so she could enjoy her days off. It would hardly do to learn a spell for reproducing text off the books, only to have her workload increased tenfold to compensate.
She had considered going out to meet Cog at the docks, perhaps get a feel for the group of people he’d fallen in with, but decided against it. She had no intention of making things that easy for him. If he was going to come to her asking for money, then he’d damn well better come to her. Her inspection could be conducted later.
Thankfully, he had arrived at the temple’s service entrance and asked to speak with her. She’d sent a missive informing him that she needed to finish her current task, and that he would be escorted to her room shortly. Fifteen minutes had seemed like more than enough time to make him sweat, while also giving her the opportunity to brush out her hair and apply just a hint of makeup.
She wore her formal work clothes, which did a spectacular job of making it look like she had breasts worthy of the name. She looked good, damn good, but not like she was dressing up for him specifically. Obviously, any of the dresses she wore when she was adopting her work persona were right out. He knew damn well she normally only wore those for clients, and that would lead into them laughing over offensive stereotypes.
She was writing in her journal when Cog opened her door and let himself in. Technically this hallway was restricted to women only, but no one took that rule too seriously as long as any excitement was kept behind closed doors.
“Hey, Linu.” He said, “Slow day? Good, I need help with something.”
He paused in the doorway to look her over appreciatively, but that was all. He had that focused expression he got when working, which tended to have either hot or infuriating results with little middle ground. Undecided on that point thus far, Linu let herself enjoy the rippling muscles under his taut skin, even to the point of ignoring the living red flag that followed him into her room.
A gigantic, muscle bound, lopsided, stooped over person, clad in patchy fur and ragged clothes that would have made even a normally proportioned individual look like a vagabond, crept inside and crouched in the corner. Based on the head she was a ratfolk, and the hair implied some crossbreeding outside the species several generations back. Body language was uncertain, embarrassed, as if she wasn’t certain why she was here. Unfortunately, Linu’s analytical mind found absolutely no answer to that most pertinent question based on all available data.
“Cog.” Linu asked, her voice cold. “Who is this?”
“Her name is Filli.” Cog said. “I am planning on recruiting her.”
Linu blinked, and blinked again. For all his attempts to prove the contrary, Cog was a very intelligent man. He was usually right about the thing he focused on; his problem was the sheer volume of topics that he could store outside of that precious focus. There would be a very good reason if he thought this poor woman had potential.
“So… why is she here?” Linu asked. “Presumably she should come in along with your captain once the courts provide him liberty.”
“I haven’t actually been able to give her the sales pitch.” Cog explained. “Common is her third or fourth language, and she’s only been learning it over the course of the last few weeks. I was hoping you could help with that. We have a few interpreters on the ship, but all of them would be likely to nudge her decision making process.”
Linu blinked again. She examined Filli critically, and sighed.
“So you came here to see me so quickly so I could talk to this woman for you.” She asked. “Do I understand the situation correctly?”
“Well… yes.” Cog said, finally realizing that he should feel some level of shame. “I’d have liked to come earlier, but with the situation with my captain…”
Linu’s eyes narrowed. Dindreanne had quite graciously granted Linu authority on the matter of Crimson Cogward’s fate. One might assume that letting his oldest friend and lover be the arbiter on his access to temple resources would be a generous arrangement. One would be correct, had Cog remembered his manners.
“You’d better go handle that, then, hmm? Speak to your mother about it, since you’ve decided to plop this woman into my lap.” She said, flicking her wrist dismissively and switching to Undercommon. “So, Filli, was it? Introduce yourself in your preferred language.”
The giant rat woman held up one hand and began twisting her fingers around. Linu channeled energy into key parts of her mind, then reached out and analyzed the matching regions of Filli’s. Linu didn’t know many handsign based languages, so it was at least a novel experience to have the language centers connect to sight and hand eye coordination.
“Hello.” Filli finished signing, “You, me, meet, happy.”
“You learn temple?” Linu signed, “Why bring you?”
Linu was always irritated when she had to rely on magic to communicate, mostly because it muddled her memory afterwards. Remembering general meanings without a firm grasp on the actual phrasing was the best case scenario, and she preferred to remember in precise terms.
If she does stay, I’ll need to learn these signs properly.
Linu carefully added that task to her ever expanding list of duties, to take up a few otherwise uneventful afternoons some time later.
“I kill.” Filli signed, “He say I kill well, good reasons.”
“Good reasons good.” Linu signed. “More knowledge. Tell story. Long story.”
Filli cocked her head to the side.
“Here help Captain.” Filli signed, “How Help? Who you?”
He really brought her with zero explanation. Whatever, I’ve exercised the hand language enough it should stick for the next few hours. I can fall back on a less irritating form of communication now.
“My name is Linu Arvanx.” Linu said aloud in Undercommon, “I am a priestess here, and Cog wants me to let the captain stay at the temple since he’s not allowed to be alone or on a ship until his trial is over.”
“Why me?” Filli asked, “How useful?”
“You’re not useful for that goal.” Linu said bluntly, “He probably should have waited to introduce you until… likely after I’d had two glasses of wine and four orgasms. Optimally.”
Filli slumped, which Linu winced internally at. She updated the file on Filli in her thought palace to include sensitivity over her own utility. An advantageous trait for training, but one which should probably be actively eroded before she’d ever be allowed into the field.
Linu was certainly going to vet this girl for the organization, despite her irritation. Filli would likely be an excellent enforcer based on her physique alone, and Cog saw potential. That justified the effort, and the ogre sized rat was a curiosity if nothing else.
“I’ve sent Cog away for now in any event.” Linu said. “He will be back. So, given that Cog is so eager to recruit you that he placed it as his highest priority, you had best answer my earlier question. For clarity, who did you kill and why? I’ll need to read your mind for any proper nouns.”
Through a combination of hand signs and strategic mind melds, Filli explained the frankly absurd conditions Cog was working under. More importantly, the clinical way Filli explained the logic behind threat assessment and execution of two targets was simplistic yet sound.
Linu placed a hand on the large woman’s arm when it came time to learn about execution. She established physical contact, found Filli’s long term memory, and relived the operation that had so impressed Cog. With Filli’s cooperation, she had everything from physical sensation to inner monologue to work with.
The scene of Filli killing the Gillman named Stanley made Linu slightly queasy, but she quieted the gibbering part of her mind that kept her from field work and focused on analyzing the woman in front of her.
Her ability to evade notice despite her incredibly eye catching frame was impressive. Her follow through was objectively commendable, and while she panicked after the kill, she still made a workable plan. Someone without Filli’s hangups would have been able to perform the ritual properly, heal the victim, and incinerate the corpse.
Amateurish mistake to not know her own limits. She’ll need that beaten out of her wherever she goes next.
She’d be utterly useless for public facing roles unless she learned some self-focused Alteration. Even if she did, she’d need to emulate small giants unless she got good enough at it to alter her mass substantially. The elementary shifts that a novice level with the Sphere would allow wouldn’t be sufficient for Filli to blend in anywhere but ogre communities.
Based on her inner monologue’s obsession with her body’s aesthetics, I imagine that training in Alteration will be quite a bargaining chip. Good luck with that; I’ve never been able to manage anything more elaborate than a change of hair color, personally. Hopefully she has an affinity for it. We can always use more shapeshifters.
“You have potential.” Linu said. “More than I expected. I think you have a place here.”
“Why want that?” Filli signed.
“For one thing, I think you may be interested in some of the magic we use here.” Linu said. “The technique I used to see your memories can be used for more general communication, and many of our prostitutes learn how to alter their appearance. From what I’ve seen of your mind, I’m sure you-“
Filli slashed one hand in front of her.
“Help Captain first.” Filli said. “How that help Captain?”
Filli stood up, allowing her to loom over the entire room. Linu deliberately relaxed her tail and schooled her facial features into a scowl. Physical intimidation had its place, and that place was not in Linu’s chambers.
“You’re really loyal to him, aren’t you?” She said, “Fine. If you consent to undergo preliminary trials, I’ll agree to help Captain M’Dair with some of his legal problems.”
••••••••••
I stewed in rage as the prosecution’s latest expert witness, a specialist in goblin child rearing, ranted about my poor parenting. She’d been a curiosity when she first walked into the room, since she was so unlike any other goblins I’ve met. I’d passed the time letting Autopilot examine her. She had a blonde wig on, a pile of curls forming an elaborate bun on top of her head. Her eyebrows were penciled on, and her chest was so large I wondered if breast implants were a thing in this world. They weren’t, but alchemical treatments could accomplish much the same effect and were popular for much the same reasons.
Thanks for the information, Autopilot.
Strangest of all, she was walking around in gemstone studded handcuffs, like some kind of parody of Rowe’s fate if someone like Gobron caught her. It felt almost obscene, when I thought about it. I had already decided I didn’t like her much before she took the stand, and then she started talking.
“It is well established among goblin circles that the cage is vital to the proper development of a goblin pup. To let not one but twelve run rampant will serve to permanently retard their psychological growth and social integration. That he would do such a thing simply to put them to work is, frankly, sickening.”
Oh for fuck’s sake, Sosima bought them for less than the kettle! Even if I’d done it all on purpose it’s not like I made their lives worse! What was I supposed to do with them, hand them over to CPS in the middle of the ocean?
“I’ll have you know my client rescued these children from slavery and has provided them food, shelter, and training.” Liam insisted. “Given their age, he decided to train them in a trade, one which they are excelling in! Can anyone here claim that golem crafting is not a marketable skill? In particular, can anyone here argue with a straight face that their current environment is worse than a kobold **** market?”
“He’s keeping them in the hold of his ship!” The goblin argued, “That’s far too much space for a developing goblin mind!”
“Miss Scuttlebutt, please refrain from interrupting the defense.” The judge said, “You will be given an opportunity to respond shortly.”
The judge was doing an excellent job of masking it, but I’d seen several hints that her patience was growing thin already. The first few charges brought against me were on shaky ground, and the prosecution had yet to really make anything stick in the last five hours. Even so, it was a serious enough set of charges that she couldn’t reasonably dismiss the case. I felt a sense of kinship every time she snapped at someone to keep things moving along.
Rosie, as the person in command of the supposedly contraband vessel, sat next to me and shared in around half of the charges. She was almost completely checked out, clearly overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of bullshit and courtroom drama.
One of the bailiffs approached the bench and handed her a note, which she read with an air of disinterest. At the completion of Miss Scuttlebutt’s next rant, the judge sighed.
“Thank you, ma’am. You may go. We will contact you if your exhaustive expertise is needed again.” She placed special emphasis on the word exhaustive. “Captains M’Dair and Cusswell. You have been offered sanctuary in the House of Stolen Kisses under Priestess Linu Arvanx. Will you accept this blessing?”
Something in her tone made it clear that the blessing was not sanctuary per se, but the ability to leave this room. It was a blessing she envied.
“I will.”
“Yes, your honor.”
“You are forbidden from leaving the grounds of the temple unescorted and may not step foot on any ship under any circumstances.” The judge declared. “Failure to comply with these strictures or any reasonable request from your patron will result in immediate and punitive confinement and be treated as an admission of guilt. Do you understand?”
“I do.”
“Yes.”
“Then follow bailiff Honeycrisp here.” She said, indicating a halfling in a leather vest. “He will bring you to your patron, who will in turn escort you to the House of Stolen Kisses. You will be summoned if this court or your defense believes your testimony is needed, so keep yourself available.”
“Thank you, your honor.” I said, bowing respectfully. Rosie hurriedly joined me, assuming I knew something she didn’t.
I checked in with Liam, who gave me the go ahead.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got everything handled here.” He said. “You go take a nap. Plenty to do at the House, eh?”
“Pig.” Rosie said, snorting affectionately. “Thanks, Liam.”
Rosie and I followed Officer Honeycrisp out onto the rain-slick stairs in front of the courthouse, where he pointed at a sour faced catgirl in trousers and a black and yellow corset. He needn’t have bothered, because Filli crouched next to her, awkwardly holding an umbrella over the priestess. After a brief and dismissive glance at Rosie, she sized me up. Her eyes glowed with white divination magic as she did so.
“Come on, then.” She said. “I’m already doing you a favor; don’t keep me standing in the rain.”
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