And it was fun, fun, fun when we were laughing, it was fun, fun, fun, oh, it was fun

“This is a bad idea,” Cinder grumbled, chewing on her lip. “We should just forget about this whole thing! It’s a waste of time! A mistake!”

Nick should have expected the grumbling. Every time he felt like he was finally making progress with the stubborn latina, she would backtrack and he’d have to fight her all over again.

Although this time, it was a little different.

He’d never seen Cinder look so timid before. It almost made him want to tease her. Almost. But the last thing he wanted to do right now was give Cinder another reason to get angry at him.

“Aww, is somebody scared?” Nola giggled.

Fortunately, he had Nola for that.

“I’m not scared!” Cinder snapped, her eyes smoldering at the snickering leprechaun. “Shut your fucking mouth!”

“Cinder, it’s going to be fine. It’s not a big deal.” Instead of giving into his instincts to poke fun at the flustered girl, Nick took the diplomatic approach and tried to cajole her. It wouldn’t help anybody if Cinder lost her temper and went nuclear, after all. Not after all the hard work he’d put into getting her to open up to him already. “Ella petted the lion and it was fine, right?”

“Yeah, but it was a lion,” Cinder muttered, looking down at the sidewalk. Why did they have to be so close to their destination? Why did they have to walk so fast. “Totally different.”

Well… she wasn’t wrong there. A pride of lions couldn’t be compared to what the sign over their heads was advertising when they arrived.

Petting Zoo

…It really couldn’t be.

Cinder visibly cringed. She was trying not to be her usual grumpy self, for Ella’s sake. But what, was she just supposed to hold her tongue when Nick suggested something this stupid!? How could she? A petting zoo?!

Did he not get how bad of an idea this was?!

“Aww, look at all the cuddly little animals!” Nola gushed, clasping her hands together and swooning as she looked at the small pens and adorable animals inside of them. “Aren’t they just so darling and snuggable? This is my favorite part of the zoo!”

“Yeah, they really are cute,” Nick agreed. There were all sorts of cute animals in the enclosures, from small little guinea pigs, to regular pigs, to rabbits, baby goats, a pony, sheep, you know, the kind of animals one would expected to see in any ordinary petting zoo. But thanks to Dakota’s powers, there were animals that one wouldn’t expect, either. Like baby lions and tigers, a baby panda, and even a bear cub, not to mention more obscure animals, like a baby yak, a koala, a slender fox, and even a tiny, fuzzy lynx. There were so many different animals on display that Nick actually lost count.

He turned to Cinder. “What do you think? You can touch any of them you’d like, and it’s completely safe!”

Cinder had been worried about the lions, even though the premise of the show made it obvious that they weren’t in any danger. It was a concern that even she admitted was completely irrational, like so many of her other fears.

But if that was the case, then this should be fine, right?

…And yet, Cinder remained petrified.

“So what? They’re just some tiny little animals,” she mumbled, looking down. “They aren’t even that cute, anyway.”

Nick heard a strange pang in her voice, and frowned. He stepped closer, even though he could feel how guarded she was. Her prickliness was rolling off of her in waves and she raised her head to look him sharply in the eyes.

He saw a flash of regret in there, and stopped. She’s trying, she really is. She promised that she’d do her best to have a good time, so why is she acting like this? Nick had pushed for the Petting Zoo because he thought that would be the best way to “restart” their date together. He could expose Cinder to a bunch of animals in a controlled situation, and plus, it was a petting zoo. Every animal here was adorable and lovable, anyone would fall head over heels in love with them. It was all Nick could do not to pick up one of the rabbits and give it a cuddle.

But for some reason, Cinder was still holding herself back.

“Cinder, it’s okay to be honest,” Nick said gently. “Do you really not like animals?” He couldn’t believe that was possible. Ella had been so excited to come to the zoo; Cinder was another side to Ella, not a completely separate person. Was she even capable of hating animals if Ella loved them?

The flicker in her eyes answered that question. For a fraction of a second Nick saw the desperation there before her face froze up again, and she looked away.

“I-I promised that… I would try to have fun…” Cinder mumbled, staring at the straw-covered ground in front of her. It would be so easy to just cross the threshold in a single step, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. “But…”

“You’re not afraid of the adorable wittle bunny wabbit, are you?” Nola cuddled a rabbit with a coat as white as snow to her cheek. “Look at this little guy!”

“No! I’m not scared!” Cinder spat. So why was there a flicker of fear in her eyes? That was what Nick was trying to understand.

Nick thought back to what had happened when he took Cinder, and later Ella, to the cat café. How Cinder had been hesitant to touch the cats. But she’d done it. He’d more or less taken advantage of the mirror’s affliction of her to compel her to do it, but she’d seemed to enjoy herself. So it was obvious that deep down, she did LIKE animals, right?

He could see the yearning in her eyes. But it was coupled with something he’d never seen from Cinder before.

Restraint.

He’d seen that look many times before in other women, like when Mary wanted to do something sexual with him but her years of chastity kept her from asking until much later in the night. It was the look of someone who wanted something, but for some reason was trying to convince themselves otherwise. He couldn’t understand it.

Then he saw her eyes flicker over to the bunny in Nola’s arms again, and saw the way her lips twitched into a frown for a moment.

“…It’s okay, Cinder,” Nick said, suddenly realizing why she was so hesitant. “Dakota created these animals with her magic as the host, they aren’t real.”

“I know that,” Cinder mumbled, chewing on her lip. “So what?” She wasn’t looking at him; actually, she was looking everywhere but at him, her eyes skipping from one pen to another. Like she wanted to go inside, but was too scared to do it.

How was Nick only just now figuring this out?

“You’re not going to hurt them, Cinder,” he said gently. “You can’t. Not here.”

Cinder’s eyes widened and her jaw slackened. She looked at Nick with an expression that seemed to be a combination of irritation and disbelief, like she felt affronted that he’d pointed that out, while at the same time chagrined that he’d realized it, and also annoyed that she hadn’t figured that out for herself, too.

She grimaced and crossed her arms over her chest. The vulnerability she’d been displaying up until now was gone completely, like it had never been there at all.

“I know I won’t hurt them!” She stubbornly replied, shoving past him. “Do you think I don’t know that? Obviously I can’t hurt them!” She was talking a big game, but as Nick turned to look at her backside he couldn’t miss the sudden bounce in her hurried step.

He smiled.

Oh, so you weren’t worried? That’s nice. Sure you weren’t. As if he could miss her obvious tells. Now that Cinder knew for certain that she didn’t have anything to be afraid of, her stubborn, headstrong personality had reasserted itself, and she was pretending like she’d never been scared or hesitant in the first place.

It was another thing she had in common with her alter. It manifested in different ways, but both girls stubbornly refused to be seen as a victim by anyone. Whether her timid side or her aggressive side, they both demanded that people not think less of them or treat them with patronizing kindness.

Nick trailed after Cinder as her eyes leapt from pen to pen. Her hesitation returned for a moment as she was spoiled with choice, before finally making a decision. She stomped over to the baby tigers and threw open the pen.

“Oh? You’re going there, huh?” Nola tilted her head to the side. “And here I thought you’d go for the cute little bunnies.”

“Tigers are cool!” Cinder snapped at her. She leaned down to get a better look at the little cubs. Small as they were, it was hard to tell them apart from regular housecats like this.

She extended her hand towards one, but stopped herself as the small animal raised its head and looked up at her.

For a moment, nothing happened. A silent exchange passed between the two of them as the tiger cub waved its nubby little tail, waiting for Cinder to make a move.

Cinder wouldn’t hurt it, she couldn’t. But what if she tried to touch it, and it ran away because it was scared?

Nick knew, of course, that wouldn’t happen. Unless Dakota had a really twisted and cruel sense of humor, anyway. (Which she did…)

But Cinder’s worries hadn’t been rational before now, so why would they start here?

“If you’re going to hesitate, I might as well give it a try myself,” Nick said suddenly, scooping up the tiger cub into his arms before Cinder could say anything.

Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. “H-hey! You can’t do that!” She exclaimed, anger flashing across her face. “I was going to pet that, you piece of crap!”

“Really? Didn’t look like it to me,” Nick said, cradling the little cub like a baby. It was warm and soft in his arms, and as cute as could be. “Sorry, but if you’re too slow because you’re scared, you’ll miss your chance. Now I get to cuddle with him and you don’t.”

“You jerk!” Cinder scowled, balling up her fists. “I-I was just taking my time! I wasn’t scared! You’re scared!”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

“You don’t make sense!”

Cinder was fuming, and Nick knew that he should probably stop before he spoiled the good will he’d built up until now. Fortunately, he had the perfect distraction for her right in his arms.

“Okay, you’re right,” he conceded. “Here you go.”

Before Cinder could react, Nick dumped the tiger cub into her arms. It took Cinder a second to process the sudden and drastic flip in his attitude, but when she did…

“Uh… wait… uh…”

Cinder didn’t even register that she was holding the cub now until she felt it squirming in her arms. “Fuck! What the fuck!?” She would have dropped the little thing if she wasn’t frozen stiff. Instead her arms tightened around it, cradling it with surprising tenderness that was completely unknown to her.

Nick wanted so badly to ask her what she thought about the little guy and how she felt. But he held back. Anything he said right now might just spoil the moment, and besides- seeing Cinder cuddle the little cub? It was really hard to find the words to properly describe what he was looking at.

She didn’t seem at all like Cinder as she stared down at the animal in her arms. At least, not like the Cinder he’d come to know, anyway. Her face looked softer than he’d ever seen it before; maybe even as soft as Ella. The hostility, the sharp edges, the frustration, it all melted away as she cradled such a small and warm little soft thing to her breast.

He even saw her smile.

“I can’t believe how warm it is,” Cinder murmured dreamily as she rocked the cub, who had closed its eyes and seemed to be napping in her arms. “It’s like a little baby.”

Cinder’s experience with cats prior to coming to this island was with her stepmother’s wicked little demon of a creature. But this wasn’t anything like that. It was so soft and gentle, even though it would someday grow up into a ferocious and terrifying creature.

Just like me when I was a baby, she realized. I never would have thought that I’d become what I am now. But then… all that happened.

Cinder’s memories of that time were a hazy jumble of fragmented bits and pieces and she suspected it was the same for Ella. Neither could pinpoint exactly what the trigger had been for their split, but it had been quite some time ago.

Maybe they could have figured it out if they tried. But dwelling on the past only gave that past renewed life.

And Cinder very much did not want to do that. For Ella’s sake… as well as her own.

She bit the inside of her cheek and felt her grip tighten. Could she really do this? Hold such a small, innocent creature?

After everything?

They’re not real, she reminded herself. They’re just creations of Dakota’s. You’re not going to hurt them. Just like at the cat café, you’re not going to hurt them… it’s going to be fine.

“Are you having fun?”

Cinder jumped at the sound of Nick’s voice. He feared she would have dropped the tiger, but instead she hugged the cub even tighter. Her head swung around to him and her eyes were wide and ****, and she swallowed.

“That… it… …It’s okay, I guess,” Cinder said, putting on a tough front. Internally she seethed, knowing how pathetic and wimpy she must have looked. She was supposed to be tough as nails, she was supposed to be Ella’s protector, and Nick had just seen her looking all gushy at a little baby animal! How humiliating!

But… that’s why I’m here, isn’t it? That’s the whole point of this. I’m trying to make sure that Ella has a good date, that’s why I’m indulging in this dumb cuddling. It’s not like I actually want to do it, right? She told herself, trying to lie to herself (badly) that this wasn’t something she desperately wanted and was very much enjoying.

Ella immediately popped into her mind. That cute little shy girl… this would have been so perfect for her. The opportunity to cuddle these tiny little animals…

“…Nick…” Cinder’s voice croaked out and she looked up into his eyes, withering beneath his gaze as she felt overwhelmed and pathetic in his presence. “Is this… really the right thing to do?”

Nick blinked, not sure what she meant by that. “You mean the right way to carry a tiger cub? I don’t know, I guess so. We could ask Nola-”

“No!” Cinder blurted out, shaking her head. “I mean, is it alright… for me to be here? This… this is something that you should be doing with Ella! She’s the one who likes small little helpless animals, not me.”

“I mean…” Nick looked down at the guarded grasp Cinder had over the tiger cub, clutching it preciously to her chest. “…It looks like you’re enjoying it pretty nicely yourself,” he pointed out.

Cinder grimaced. She should have set the tiger down right then and there and proved him wrong!

The fact that she didn’t was damning enough.

“Cinder-”

“Shut up!” She snapped, her face burning like a bonfire. “Just… just shut up, okay!? I get it! I… I get it, so…”

She looked down at the little tiger cub and bit her lip.

Nick placed his hand on her shoulder. And she let him.

“You and Ella aren’t that different deep down,” he gently reminded her. “If you think it’s okay for Ella to like something, then it’s okay for you to like it, too. You can like small little animals, Cinder, that’s just normal.”

“I… I just…” Cinder couldn’t express the abundance of emotions swelling up in her heart properly. It was all too much for her. She just couldn’t help but feel so guilty. Like Ella should be here, and not her. Ella had gone to all this trouble, Ella had picked out the date location, Ella was the one who had always wanted to go to a zoo, and Cinder…

Cinder…

Suddenly Cinder felt something snap inside her skull. It was hard to describe. Not a physical sensation but something else entirely, like the gears in her head had suddenly ground to a stop, and fallen out of alignment.

Then something washed over her. It was hard to describe; the feeling called to mind being in a dream and seeing everything in front of you, and suddenly realizing there was something behind you as well. And then turning around to see what it was, and realizing that there was a whole new world in your blind spot that you’d never even suspected.

That world flooded into her mind like someone had punched a hole in a dam, and suddenly a memory she’d never made bubbled to the surface.

“…Actually, I want to try… one more time.” Ella looked back at the lions and felt a pit in her chest. It isn’t fair. I’m having so much fun… I’m getting to spend so much time with Nick… I touched a lion! An actual lion! I never got to do that before, ever! This is the best date! The best!

So why wasn’t she satisfied? She was having so much fun, but… it was missing something.

What about Cinder?

Her alter had left Ella to her own devices. She wasn’t interfering anymore, even when Ella was scared to touch the lion.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that Ella got to do something so fun, that she got to have so much fun with Nick, and Cinder didn’t.

Ella turned back to the lion, and ran her fingers through his mane again. He was so soft and strong and regal. So cool… she wished she could be as cool as this guy someday.

Cinder, you should get a chance too. I shouldn’t be the only one who has fun today. You should touch a lion too! You should have fun with Nick… get to know him… that… that’s only fair. Ella had gotten so much out of this morning. But was it fair to her other self? If Nick only fell for her, what about Cinder?

He won’t reject that side of me, I know it. If I let her out, and he’s nice to her, then I’ll know… I’ll know he’s the one. And I know we can have so much fun together. So it’s okay. I don’t need to have the perfect date with just the two of us. You can have some of it too, Cinder.

She closed her eyes and petted the lion one last time, and turned things over to Cinder.

Tears rolled down Cinder’s cheeks as she felt Ella’s feelings wash over her. She clutched the tiger cub to her chest as she desperately scrambled to hold onto those warm feelings her alter had bestowed, but as suddenly as they had come she could already feel them receding. The wall between her two halves had been restored, but in that brief instant, she felt it.

“…She did it for me…” Cinder whispered as her eyes blurred with tears. “Ella… she… she did it for me… oh, Ella… Ella…!”

Nick didn’t know what to say, or how he could comfort her. He just stood there and looked at the crying girl, his heart going out to her as she clung to the little tiger cub.