Sales pitch

New York

721–725 Fifth Avenue

Harem Hotel Dimension 3E2 Branch Headquarters

Top Floor

10 minutes before the start of the season.

The climate control was never quite right.

The water in the water cooler was always slightly too warm.

And the near imperceptible din of elevator/call center music served as constant background ambiance.

Anyone working here for a prolonged amount of time would either quit or, barring that option, go mad.

The only ones who didn’t were most likely mad from the beginning.

But none of that was of any concern for the shitty, little, brat mature seductress as she strutted in the office like she owned the place, followed by a very panicked and very busty secretary.

“Please forgive me, Sir! I couldn’t stop her!”

The “Sir” behind the desk was a haughty penguin wearing a suit. Or that was at least the closest approximation Ora could perceive.

(Oh, by the way, Ora is the hot, extremely erotic woman that just entered the scene. She has long black hair, amber eyes and a killer figure with breasts that are almost a B-cup.

She’s also a Goddess.

Like an actual Goddess. You read the last chapter, right? She could turn you into a spork right now if she feels like it. But sporks can’t like chapters, so you’re safe.)

“Are you the penguin in charge?” Ora asked.

Before answering, the Penguin briefly glared at his busty secretary. It was only for a split second, but it was enough for her eyes to go vacant and walk out of the room, past her own desk and towards her new, more suited, workstation.

“I am what your kind would call a producer”, he spoke up. “My precise role…”

“So you are NOT the penguin in charge”, Ora scowled. “I don’t want to waste my time with peons. Bring the Big Cheese out.”

“I am afraid the CEO is currently unavailable, however…”

“Ugh! Then make him available. This is why I hate dealing with peons. You probably have not even the slightest of an iota of an inkling of an idea who I...”

“HOWEVER, I can give you what you desire.”

“Oh?” For the first time, the permanent scowl on the small child’s HOT SEXY LADY’S face changed into a smile. With the snap of a finger, she conjured up a golden throne, one far more ostentatious than the one Mr. Penguin was sitting on and seated herself. “So, you aren’t as incompetent as you look.”

“You shouldn’t underestimate penguins”, he chuckled. “Miss Franklin.”

“Hah?”

“Just part of the trade”, the penguin responded to the unspoken question. “It is my business to know things.”

Ora cleared her throat and quickly composed herself. “Well...Then it is also your business to know what my presence signifies. Genuflect, for I, the great and magnificent; I, the supreme existence; I, the Voyager Witch Ora, have deigned to host one of your seasons! Yes, your nonexistent auricles did not deceive you! I am to be the most spectacular, glorious host, orchestrating the greatest, fantastic, earth shattering, mouth-watering, climax inducing season your pitiful fake reality show will ever be graced with!”

“I see.”

Ora slapped the table. “I want five trillion imperial reichskrone in budget and full creative control!”

The penguin almost pitied her.

“We usually trade in a more...transient currency.”

The future host rolled her eyes. “Whatever. Just get me the equivalent. The rest is more important anyways.”

Producer Penguin folded his flippers into a scholar's cradle, which looked very uncanny. “You will receive your funding. As for the rest, we get to that. What is your pitch?”

“Eh?”

“...you do have a pitch, right?”

“Of course I have a pitch!”

“…”

“It’s even a great one!”

“Would you care to elaborate?”

Ora cleared her throat and let her throne hover for dramatic effect. Then, she began wildly gesticulating, also for dramatic effect.

“Ok, listen! These shows are all the same! Some poor sap becomes the master and gets saddled with some poor girls to ****. Then these big scary transformations happen and uhhhh there’s a big elimination at the end! Oh, noooooo! But they never follow through! They always find some excuse to not horribly transform the girls! Your hosts are all a bunch of bleeding hearth pansies! I bet they voted for Humphrey. It’s pathetic!”

…

“Miss Ora, how many of our seasons have you watched?”

Ora held one hand and one finger out.

“Seven!” she declared proudly.

...

“Well, partly, I watched the one with Ruby and the penguin, then a bit of..uhh….the one with all the big boobed lesbians and Sally’s. That one was admittedly pretty great but not as great as mine will be! Oh, oh! And the weakling. Sylvia! I watched that too! Like wow! I can’t believe spoiler spoilered spoiler! But anyways! Cassandra? Her own master doesn’t even respect that wimp! My own Cassandras could run LAPS around her! And don’t even get me started on that pathetic Dante wannabe or the Ara Ara Lady. She was way too nice! And Dante was trying way too hard! It’s pathetic! But then again they are all utterly pathetic! Nobody ever gets turned into a coat hanger! It is so pitiful! How can you even stomach such sugar sweet seasons?”

The penguin, clearly utterly raptured, had a very blank expression on his face. “And you promise a more...spicier season?”

Ora grinned. Menacingly. “Precisely. It will be super spicy! Like Paprika! None of that mushy lovey dovey stuff! Just humiliation and suffering! That’s what these perverts in the audience really want!”

The penguin appeared to contemplate for a bit. Impertinent Bird. Doesn’t he recognizes greatness when it stares him in the beak?

“Very well”, he conceded 0.2 seconds before Ora would have turned him into penguin daiquiri and a multi page long contract plus pen(guin) appeared floating before the Goddess.

Reading is for readers. Ora is a writer.

Thus, the freshly minted host didn’t bother to read a single line while she scribbled her signature on the contract.

All according to plan.