I'm not Mad... (M,T)

Thank you to Orifalcon, for both your help this week with the chapter and your pictures every week.

“Are you sure you’re alright with me leaving, Ma’am?” The two of them were at the doorway to the Arrow Cottage, Hazel having escorted Helena there after their tennis practice before lunch.

“Of course. You deserve to be able to have some fun.”

“Babe,” Hazel sighed. “I had plenty of fun with you this morning.”

“You know what I mean.” I know she said 'Babe' because she was mad at me, but… I think I like it? “You’ve just been taking care of me or doing as I asked since we got here. Have fun with them. Like Luna said this morning, it’ll help us all leave a day or two sooner.”

“I love you. Let me know if it’s not what you were hoping for, I can drop everything to be there if you need.”

“I love you too, and I’ll see you in the morning.”

Hazel nodded and kissed her partner’s forehead before leaving to go get changed. Standing by herself, she knocked on the copper door.

Dr.Petrov opened it, adjusting her glasses as she gestured her newest patient in. “Come on in. I’m glad you accepted my offer from a few days ago. Can I ask what made you change your mind?”

“Should I be honest?”

The peculiarity of the question made Maeve pause for a moment. “I would prefer that, yes.”

Helena followed Maeve back into the house that she’d been living in only a few days before. She was glad that Maeve hadn’t immediately drawn attention to the manilla folder she was bringing in. Hopefully she reacts as well as Luna said she would. “I expressed to Hazel that I missed my weekly confession.”

Maeve stopped and turned around in the short hallway before letting them into the bedroom. “I’ll do what I can to help, but I want to make sure you understand that what I offer is likely to be different from what you expect from confessional.”

“I understand.”

“My sessions are usually secular.”

"I understand."

“If I do try to offer something religious, I can’t guarantee that I can relate my background well enough to the catholic perspective."

“I understand." Helena repeated for the third time. "I know you’re not Father Livingston. I just want someone who’d be able to judge me without Hazel’s bias.”

Maeve didn’t comment as she led Helena into the bedroom. She sat in the same chair she had sat in with Felicia, while directing her newest patient to the bed.

“So where did you want to start?” Maeve asked.

“Please read this. I can wait as long as you need.” Helena quietly offered the folder.

Maeve took note of her name printed on it before opening the folder. A quick look at the table of contents showed that she was the subject, bullet points providing an overview from when she crossed the Berlin Wall with her parents, to the present day- or at least up to right before Genet arrived. Skimming through, she saw records from her ESL classes from when her family first arrived in Detroit. There was a short section about her marriage and divorce, then her time completing her bachelor’s, master’s, and doctorate.

It’d been tough, finishing the senior year of her bachelors during the divorce. But her parents had let her move back in and supported her in every possible way. She remembered her father eagerly showing off photos of her at each of her graduations to anyone he could ambush at their synagogue. Look at my sonechko. He’d embarrassed her with. Somehow, a copy of one of those photos had made it into the file here.

Then her time at the practice, being headhunted by Hazel. Highly discrete. Research focused on mental resilience in situations of repetitive trauma. Already working with the son of Allison Waters, CEO of Halcyon Oil. The notes arguing in her favor read. She skimmed through and saw bits and pieces of her life such as meeting Marissa before closing the folder.

“You have every right to be angry. If it helps, Richard asked me to disclose these the moment he found out last round.”

“I’m not angry.” Maeve said, which was a lie. She was incensed. This sort of violation of her memories and her patient’s privacy, it infuriated her. This was her life, and half of it had been secretly made into a resume. Helena and her assistant had incentivized her to be certified in nine more states so she could work with their one patient more reliably, and apparently they had done all of that without trusting her to have anything personal.

“You’re not mad?” Helena asked, surprised.

Maeve took a deep breath. Blowing up and saying everything she wanted to say would probably mean that Helena never tried to get psychiatric help again, and anyone who did something like this clearly needed it.

“I’m not mad…” Dr.Petrov said. “Just…frustrated. Can you tell me why you thought this was necessary?”

“I needed to make sure you were safe; which meant both that you weren’t secretly trying to get to him, and that there was nothing that could put you in danger or be used against you.”

That sounds like she’s worried about something specific. “What exactly do you think could happen? You’re making it sound like something, or someone, specific is after you.”

“I can’t tell you.”

Maeve tried not to feel insulted. She flipped to the page she’d seen earlier with Hazel’s recommendation of her. She used her thumb to point at Hazel’s use of the word discrete. “If you’re worried about me discussing this with your stepbrother-”

“Stepbrother”

“That’s what I said?” Maeve asked.

“Sorry, **** of habit I think.”

“Anyways, if you’re worried about me discussing this with your stepbrother, then you can trust that I won’t do that. Hazel already did.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you not to tell him. I’m confident you wouldn’t. But you’d see him differently. Do you think I enjoy keeping secrets from him? Half the time I’m around him I feel like a monster. I don’t know how Hazel is able to resist that, but everyday you see him you’re going to want to tell him and it will scrape at you that you can’t.”

“So you’re protecting me?” Dr.Petrov said skeptically.

“I’m trying to protect everyone.”

“Define everyone.”

“Everyone on the island. Hazel and I made files to manage everyone Richard cares about, as well as anyone that could be a challenge to him or I.”

“Manage us?” Dr.Petrov repeated back, hoping Helena would elaborate.

“Yes.”

“Are these files what made you think of Father Livingston?”

“Yes. I showed Stella her file yesterday, and I take a much worse role in hers.

“And so you wanted to discuss how you felt after you made her upset?”

“I didn’t make her upset.” Helena corrected. “She was incredibly grateful.”

“And that bothered you? What did you expect her to react so badly to?”

“Can I get her permission before I tell you? I’m not trying to hide it like with Richard, I just don’t want to share her secrets without telling her.”

“Of course, that sounds reasonable.” You didn’t seem as concerned about our privacy when you made these. Is what the therapist chose not to say. “But whatever it is, she judged it far better than you did?”

“Yes.”

“For a frame of reference, can you put it at a nine point scale for me? Nine would be something like saving her life, one would be something like reckless endangerment. Four and six would be small things that would be selfish or generous. Does that make sense?” Dr.Petrov explained.

“Sure.”

“So how do you view the actions she focused on?”

“I…” Helena looked distressed. “I don’t know. One? Two? Eight? It depends on how you frame it.”

“How do you think Stella would frame it? You can put it on the scale if you need.” Dr.Petrov pressed.

“Nine.”

That’s a significant difference. “Was that disconnect why you decided not to tell her whatever happened earlier?”

Helena shook her head. “I hid a number of good things too, mostly with Luna and Aubrey. I… hid everything because it felt easier to manage them quietly.”

“What do you think you’d do if you found out that someone else, that you didn’t know very well, was doing this? Making a file about you and ‘managing’ you?”

“I’d want to tear them down, tell Hazel to do whatever she needed to get rid of them.” Her sullen gloom felt like it was darkening the room, overtaking the welcoming atmosphere Maeve tried to establish in her sessions.

That was a bad question. I need to find something less aggressive for her to focus on. “If you’re alright changing the topic away from the files, can you tell me about your friends?”

“Hazel’s my best friend. I couldn’t live without her.” Her patient immediately offered.

“And I'm glad you have her. What about your other friends? What does your support network look like?”

“Richard can be comforting…” Helena’s next response came slower. “There’s Laurel, one of my science advisors. There’s Tom, head of marketing, and obviously Beth, one of my accountants.”

“How about anyone you can go to outside of work?”

“I’m sorry?”

“You’ve named Richard and four people on your payroll. Do you have anyone other than your employees that you feel that you can rely on?”

There was silence.

“Helena?” The businesswoman seemed lost in thought. Dr.Petrov decided to prompt more than she usually would. “What about Aubrey? She’s told me how close the two of you are.”

“We spend a lot of time together, but that’s mostly me focusing on her and not the other way around.”

Might be time to pivot towards solutions. Dr.Petrov considered.

But her patient had more on her mind. “That shouldn’t be such a hard question, right? A good person should’ve been able to name someone she trusted.”

“I don’t think it’s a matter of being a good person.”

“But I was one back before we lost our parents. I had friends, real friends, before I lost them or pushed them away.”

Maeve tried to take back control. “Again, I don’t think it’s a matter of being a good or bad person. While there’s issues I agree you need to work on, I think there’s good that you aren’t giving yourself credit for, like whatever happened with Stella.

“Cruel people can have plenty of friends and loved ones, and kind people can be lonely. Do you think that losing your friends made you a bad person?”

“No, I… I was trying to do what Maria asked, and I couldn’t do that and still be someone she would’ve been proud of. Felicia helped me realize that a few days ago.”

That was letting the curtains drop far more than Maeve had expected after her previous attempts. “What did Maria ask of you?” She still expected Helena to pull back.

Helena squirmed slightly, her hand coming up below her chin to hold her cheek. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. “Dad was already gone by the time I got to the hospital after they were hit. Richard was in surgery when I arrived, but Maria was lucid enough to talk to me. She told me who she thought was responsible. She asked me to keep both of us safe, and to follow our dreams. By the time he woke from surgery, it was too late for him to talk to her. I did my best to do as she asked.”

“So these files you’ve shown me, everything you’ve said you feel guilty for but can’t explain, that’s your attempt to follow your stepmother’s wishes?”

“Yes.”

“Does it feel like too much sometimes?”

“What do you mean?”

“The things that you’ve done trying to do what Maria asked, do you ever wish you hadn’t had to?”

Helena narrowed her eyes. “I didn’t enjoy it, but I would do anything for her.”

“That’s understandable.” Maeve tried to backpedal, accelerating her argument before things boiled over. “I’m not trying to talk you out of anything, or turn you against her. I was just trying to raise the idea that you’re allowed to acknowledge that you didn’t enjoy it, that you can do something without it fundamentally changing who you are. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or that you need to isolate yourself from Richard and others.”

“But I am, and I do. She wanted him to be happy, and he wouldn’t if he found out what I’ve done and why.” Helena stood up to leave.

Maeve tried to take her hand and stop her from leaving in an attempt to salvage the situation. She intentionally let the new transformation that had been frustrating her take over as she went to hold onto the redhead. Giving up control of herself, Maeve pulled in her patient with one thick arm, using her other hand to soothingly brush along Helena’s scalp. It seemed like there was something associated with that in the 'Good Girl' transformation Genet had teased, so maybe ‘cuddle therapy’ could actually be helpful here. She listened as Hel stopped squirming, tears dripping onto Maeve’s chest. She was mumbling something that couldn’t be heard, so Maeve loosened her grip to let her patient speak.

“You don’t understand.”

“Then make me understand.” Dr.Petrov charged. “Showing us these files doesn’t matter if you’re still hiding so much. You came because you missed having confession, right?”

Helena nodded.

“So confess. You said you wanted someone unbiased. Don’t just give me facts about me and a list of things you can’t tell me. We don’t need to immediately argue about what you’ve done even. But I want to hear something about what made you the person you are today, whether that means a good or bad one.”

“Like what?”

Maeve tried reaching for the topic she’d seen Hel be unexpectedly forward about. “Can you tell me about what your relationship with Maria looked like before the crash?”

“I think I can do that.” Helena replied softly.

“Good. You may start wherever you’d like.” Maeve guided her patient back onto the bed and sat next to her, still not quite letting go.

“So the first thing to know is that she was one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. She didn’t care what anyone thought of her, other than Dad and us. The first time Dad took her to meet the rest of the Turners…”