New life

Sitting at the dining table I stared off into the distance, not really seeing, nor perceiving anything. Somewhere close by I could hear Katherine washing dishes in the kitchen, I could hear her whistle as she scrubbed a pan in the sink. My thoughts were everywhere and nowhere, a complete jumbled mess of feeling I wasn't sure how to straighten out. On one hand I was thrilled, beyond excited and ultimately satisfied that I had finally followed through on my fantasies and had hooked up with a man after years of pretending to be an ordinary, everyday straight man. But on the other hand I felt tremendous guilt, Katherine, as she stood in the kitchen washing the plates on which we'd just had dinner together, my lovely girlfriend who I had been with for years, whom my friends had asked me when I was going to propose to her... I had cheated on her, betrayed her trust and not even with some girl from work, some secretary or whatever, which at least she could've understood and easily been angry about. I had slept with a man.

"Are you alright darling? You seem a little off today." Kathrine wandered into the living room where I was sitting, her long red hair tied up into a bun. She wiped her hands on her sweatpants, pulling them up slightly and revealing the curve of her hips. She was very beautiful, more than once I had been reminded that I was very lucky that she had fallen for a guy like me, whatever that meant.

"I'm ok, just a long day at work, I suppose." Kathrine pulled out a chair next to mine and sat down, resting her arm on the table, her chin on her hand.

"Hmmm, well, I might know a way for you us to blow off some steam. Lord knows that I could use it too." Her work at the hospital had been getting increasingly more taxing, Katherine had complained to me about it a few times these last months, now I was ashamed to admit I had hardly even been listening to her when she did. "Come on, let's sit on the couch." Katherine grabbed my hand and pulled me out of my chair, rallying me to stop wasting time inside my mind and try to get back to the real world.

When we both fell back onto the couch Katherine immediately made herself comfortable in my arms, which I draped across her soft body. We hadn't been intimate like this in a long time, as a matter of fact, I could hardly remember the last time we'd cuddled. Neither of us were very touchy people, we only kissed to say goodbye or hello, rarely did we 'make-out'. Sex had been a topic of conversation in the last few months of our relationship, but whenever either of us tried to broach the subject, the other party always managed some excuse why now wasn't the right time.

Katherine looked up at me, her green eyes staring into my mind, where she might just find some answers to her unanswered questions. I looked away only briefly, scared that she'd find the thing on the fore front of my mind. "Are you sure you're ok? You're very quiet, even by your standards."

With my hand awkwardly on her hip, where it ought to feel like home, I looked off into the distance at the black screen of the television. "Yeah, I'm just tired. It'll be an early night for me tonight." I could tell this was not exactly the response she was hoping for, as a matter of fact, it was becoming increasingly clear that Katherine might be trying to liven up our dusty old relationship with some good old fashioned romance. I was hardly in the mood. I felt bad though, somewhere in the back of my mind I figured that I should just relent and give her what she wanted, but even the thought seemed to wear me out terribly. Instead I sighed, leaning down to kiss her on the forehead and clambering up from underneath her to stand up from the couch. I didn't dare to look back at her, for I was sure the face Kathrine was pulling wouldn't be a happy one. Slowly I slumbered into the kitchen to make myself some coffee, hoping that the caffeine might awaken something in me.