Just Normal 'Common-Sense' Legislation

President Hump first and foremost renamed the Universe to be the United States of Everything. I guess it was based.

Next, he went on too state all the laws he put into place:

• Women were no longer allowed to vote if they were unmarried. Women whose legal names didn't exactly match that on their birth certificate were no longer allowed to vote. Married women were now legally required to change their last name to that of their partner at marriage. Women who were still technically allowed to vote (i.e. women who married someone with the same last name), were no longer allowed to vote.
  Some people were crying that this meant women weren't allowed to vote anymore at all! Obviously that's not the case - only women who were either unmarried or allowed to vote, weren't allowed to vote. All other women were allowed to vote. That meant all of no women could vote! Wait, doesn't that mean no woman was allowed to...
• "Every one of these laws make sense!" Hump shouted "Don't think too much about the details."
  Yeah, he was right. I was thinking too much. Of course women were no longer allowed to vote - why should they?
• Next, He banned abortion nationwide. I guess it's ok - if she didn't want to get pregnant, she should've been more careful. Even if her life would be ruined and it was completely avoidable, that still didn't give her the right to kill a clump of cells.
• The president then decriminalized **** and sexual **** against women. I guess it's okay - I'm not a woman anyways.
• In continuation of said legalization, women were now required to cohabitate with their abusers to raise any child born from ****. It's what's best for the kids.
• All workers were now required to hand over 75% of their regular wages to the NBF (National Billionaires' Fund) from where it would be distributed equally to all billionaires across the country. I guess they needed it more than us anyways. Maybe this would even make some of them trillionaires! And, the money was distributed equally among the billionaires, so it was fair! What a just president we have!
• All workers all also required to hand over all of their savings and investments to the NBF. I quickly got my phone and transferred all my saved money to the NBF - about $50,000. My parents also quickly transferred all of our family emergency funds and any other money we had stashed to the NBF. Mom ran to the bank to sell off all her jewelry to the NBF; and dad began working on the paperwork to withdraw all the college funds we had saved for my sister and I, to hand over to the NBF. I guess we weren't going to college then. Well, it didn't matter anyways as -
• President Hump shut down all institutes of higher education, claiming that science and education were a direct threat to our nation and government. I can't believe I used to trust science and was even thinking of getting an "education"! I felt so ashamed.
• Finally, Supreme Leader Hump instructed us to believe that we were the best and freeest nation in the world and that life was as good as it could be.

It was truly such a great time to be alive in the world's best and freeest nation!

Hump also mentioned something about setting up "Normality Towers" or something but I couldn't be bothered to listen - as he told us to ignore them and live life as we pleased! What a great Führer we had!