The Fantastic Four Stage An Intervention

The rest of the Fantastic Four were unusually helpful that morning. Johnny cleaned up after breakfast. Ben fetched the clothes from the washer and folded them. Reed made all the beds. Alicia Masters took the children out to the Museum of Natural History. Sue Storm found herself, uncharacteristically, with time to actually enjoy her morning coffee.

Then the three male members of the Fantastic Four sat down at the table with her, and the Invisible Woman realized that there was something wrong by the look on their faces.

"Susan. Darling. There's no easy way to say this, but...we need to talk about your masturbation habits," her husband began.

The Invisible Woman nearly did a spit-take, and swallowed her coffee only with difficulty.

"The soundproofing in the walls was upgraded yesterday," Johnny Storm added. "But before that? I could hear things...every night."

"You been leavin' your panties out too," Ben said. "Three days inna row, I hadda pick 'em up before the kids could see 'em."

"...and your internet usage has gotten progressively more involved and explicit lately," Reed finished. "Frankly, Sue, we're worried about you. This kind of behavior isn't like you."

"How the hell would you know?" Sue said, her voice projecting an icy coldness that she hadn't known was in her. "Have you ever thought that if you didn't spend all night every night in the lab, I wouldn't need to seek satisfaction on my own."

Reed's eyes looked hollow, and he couldn't hold her gaze.

"I know I've made mistakes," Reed admitted. "And I'm sorry if my...my lack of affection has led to this. I'm willing to do better. We're just concerned about your behavior."

"Suzie, you know I don't like to get between a husband and wife on bedroom issues," Ben cut in. "But you've been acting weird lately. We wuz thinking maybe it's time for a checkup? Make sure you ain't bein' influenced or nothin'. Lot of psychic wahoos out there."

"Yeah, ever since you started going to see that Dr. Stone—" Johnny cut in.

Sue stood up. She had heard enough.

"My sex life is none of your damn business, little brother," she said curtly. "Especially considering the type of skanks and sluts you normally drag into my home, in front of my children!"

The Human Torch's cheeks turned cherry red—and wisps of flame burst onto his eyebrows and hair, which he ceased only with difficulty.

Sue Storm turned on Ben Grimm. "And don't tell me about underwear, Benjamin Grimm! I know full well what you get up to when Alicia isn't here to play rock tumbler!"

The stony facade of the Thing didn't crack, but the baby blue eyes went suddenly watery. How many times had Sue come across the stinky, soppy messes in the laundry hamper, and never said a word about it? They had lived too long in close proximity to have many secrets from each other.

"Susan, please. We didn't come here to fight—" Reed tried.

"No, you came here to lecture me, just because I need a little relief from time to time! Because even after two kids, I'm not dead from the waist down!" The Invisible Woman shivered with a palpable indignation. "Well, I don't have to sit here and take this. I'm leaving."

"Leaving?" Reed said, his arm stretching out. An invisible hand batted it aside before it could touch her. "Where?"

Sue glared at them all, mouth a tight line.

"I'm going to go stay with a girlfriend for a few days."