Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar has given you the call

“Who does that girl think she is, anyway?!”

Nola brushed herself off and puffed up her cheeks in outrage. It was unusual to see her get upset, Nick didn’t know how to respond to it at first.

“I mean, I’m a member of the staff, you know! I run things around here! She has no right to just go tossing me around like that! You know what I think!? That deserves a punishment transformation! Yeah, how else are we going to show her that this is wrong?! Throwing around a helpless ol’ leprechaun like myself, using me as a projectile, well, I won’t stand for this! Not for one second!” She huffed, shaking her head.

Nick sighed in exasperation. “Let’s not get carried away here,” he pleaded. The last thing he wanted was for any of his girls to get a punishment transformation.

“I agree,” Dakota nodded, popping into existence. “While Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin’s behavior shows a definite lack of regard for the staff, I don’t think it reaches the level of meriting a punishment transformation.”

“What?!” Nola’s jaw dropped. “But she chucked me like a baseball!”

“Yes, and it was hilarious. That audience is quite amused by her antics,” Dakota giggled, holding her hand over her mouth.

Nola let out a silent scream of frustration.

“Dakota, what’s going on here?” Nick asked. “Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin can’t really be aiming to spend the whole date just playing a bizarre game of tag, right?”

Dakota shrugged. “Why are you asking me?” She scoffed. “She’s a member of your harem. There’s nothing wrong with letting her have fun in whatever way she chooses. Some girls want to go to Paris, some girls want to go to an Amusement Park, and some girls want to play a game of cat and mouse through the hotel!”

Whelp. Dakota seemed fully onboard with this bizarre date. So Nick might as well get into the spirit of it as well, then.

“It’s a rigged game, though,” he still had to point out. “There’s no way I can actually outrun Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin! She… I mean, she’s-!”

It should have been pretty obvious why he couldn’t win this little contest.

“She’s augmented and synthetic?” Dakota bluntly pointed out.

“…Yeah, basically.”

“And humanoid,” Dakota added.

“Well, that goes without saying.”

“And also an assassin.”

“How is that part relevant?!”

“Well it means she enjoys the thrill of the hunt, of course!” Dakota purred. “You should know that girl loves what she does.”

Nick remembered his last “date” with the silent girl, and how she had killed and maimed multiple people in her dream, all while looking to him for approval like a puppy begging for treats.

He couldn’t fight the shiver that ran down his spine.

“Even if what you’re saying is true, that doesn’t mean I should just ignore and overlook what’s happening here!” He pointed out, frustrated. “I don’t even know what floor she got off on!”

Dakota glanced down at his crotch, and the erection that was still present.

“Well… it doesn’t appear to be this one,” she pointed out with a smirk.

Nick rolled his eyes.

“You know what I-”

“Yes, yes, I’m aware,” Dakota cut him off, raising her hand. “Please Nick, learn to have a sense of humor sometimes!” She puffed up her cheeks and rolled her eyes. “Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin probably just wants to play a little game with you today, that’s all this is. Why not indulge her a little bit? It might even be fun!”

Nick frowned. “I… well, I never said I wasn’t going to indulge her,” he muttered, shaking his head. “Obviously I planned to do that!”

Dakota blinked. “Well, then there are no problems at all!” She said with a broad grin. “Let the chase resume!”

“But I don’t even know where she is!” Nick pointed out. “This hotel is way too damn big!”

His harem had proved that nicely back in Sylvia’s challenge when they had to scour the place for all those cards.

“It’ll be fine,” Dakota assured him. “Don’t forget, you’ve got Nola there to guide you to wherever you need to go!”

Nick looked at Nola. She’d been tuning out the conversation but when she heard Dakota say her name, she snapped back like a rubber-band and looked up at the host in shock.

“Wait, what!?” She gasped. “Me!? You want me to-!?”

“As an unpaid intern, it’s your duty to ensure that the challenge is going smoothly and that the master is satisfied,” Dakota bluntly pointed out. The affable tone of her voice completely drained away, leaving only the no-nonsense coldness of the host. “So with that in mind… go catch that Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin!”

Nick saw the color drain away from Nola’s normally rosy complexion, and she made a sour expression. It was clear how little she wanted to do this, but at the same time, she really didn’t have a choice in the matter.

Not when Dakota told her how things were going to go.

“Okay,” she relented with a resigned sigh, slumping her shoulders.

“Excellent! Then please continue with the date!” Dakota chirped, tapping her cane and vanishing from existence.

Nick turned to Nola, not sure what to say. He reached out to try and comfort the leprechaun even though he didn’t know her very well, only for the pink-haired girl to turn back to him wearing her usual sunny smile.

“Well that’s that, then!” She cooed, her green eyes sparkling. “Let’s go find that assassin! You’re lucky you’ve got me on your side now, because I’m great at finding things! I can find anything, whether it’s the TV remote, or a misplaced sock, or the leftovers from last night, you just leave it to me and I’ll track it down no sweat!”

Well, at least her perky attitude had returned, Nick could be relieved about that. Even if she was just putting on an act for his sake and the sake of the audience.

Nola closed her eyes and concentrated. Then she gasped.

“Found her!” She proudly declared. “She’s at the Swimming Pool! Let’s go, Nick!”

She rushed to the elevator, barely letting Nick through the doors before she closed them on him. It seemed that she was of the mind that the sooner they found Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin, the sooner she could get back to doing what SHE wanted to do today.

Nick couldn’t blame her for feeling like that, honestly.

The elevator traveled across the hotel in the strange way it always did, and deposited them at the Swimming Pool.

This room was a lot smaller than the Trophy Garden, so Nick spotted the elusive assassin pretty quickly. She was standing on the other side of the wide pool, blue eyes sparkling as brightly as the water.

She waved at him and stuck her tongue out again.

“Careful, Nick!” Nola warned him, ducking for cover behind one of the deck chairs in case Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin was in a throwy mood again. “You shouldn’t run by the pool! The lifeguard will get mad at you!”

What lifeguard? The blue faerie that was normally here wasn’t on duty right now. And besides, drowning should be impossible on this island!

Considering who had designed it in her image.

“Also, she’s definitely baiting you,” Nola commented from her hiding place. “This has ‘trap’ written all over it! Be careful! I know a trap when I see one, I actually had one on my last season! He was pretty cute. But yeah, the only reason she’d pick somewhere so obvious to be waiting for you is if she was trying to set you up! So don’t let her! Be careful.”

Nick ignored the irony of being paired up with the most chatty person on the island to hunt down the girl who couldn’t talk. He figured Dakota had been quite amused with that little arrangement, hence insisting Nola help him out here.

But Nola’s color commentary was making this feel a lot less like a date.

“You know,” Nick called across the pool to the assassin, “it’s not okay to run beside a pool you know! I don’t think it would be right to chase you.”

And so he sat down in a deck chair and crossed his arms over his chest, stubbornly refusing to participate.

Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin scowled in disappointment. She gestured at the tiling around her, showing Nick that it was dry. There was no need to worry about slipping!

Nick shook his head. “Yes, I can see that it’s dry,” he said. “Still. That doesn’t change the fact that running beside the pool isn’t safe!”

She frowned and stroked her chin thoughtfully. Then her eyes lit up as though she’d had a sudden flash of brilliance. She leaned forward and planted her hands on the floor, then kicked her legs up into the air. In a deft display of acrobatics, Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin walked back and forth along the edge of the pool while standing on her hands, showing just how exceptional she was at maintaining her balance.

“Whoa…” Nola marveled.

Nick had to admit- it was impressive.

“Still,” he said, shaking his head, “I can’t do that! Even if you won’t fall in the water or hit your head, that doesn’t mean it’s safe for me!”

“This is Harem Hotel,” Nola pointed out. “Dakota would never let any of those things happen.”

She was right of course. Dakota wouldn’t let him fall in the water even as a goof, not given her history. But Nick didn’t care about that.

Not cognizant of the host’s aversion to water, Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin shrugged and shook her head. She smirked and beckoned for him with a finger, before pointing at the pool. After Nick gave the water a puzzled look, he raised his head to see the assassin swinging her arms forward, miming a swimming motion.

“…So if I fall in, you’re going to rescue me?”

She nodded so excitedly it made Nick wonder if the reason she’d picked out the pool in the first place was for exactly that scenario to occur. He certainly wouldn’t put it past the chipper assassin.

“…I don’t really want to get wet, though,” Nick replied. “Can we pick something else to do? Somewhere else we can play tag?”

Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin blinked. A confused expression crossed her face and she tilted her head to the side. She walked around the pool and approached him, eyeing him curiously.

“You know, tag? It might be better if we went outside to do that, or even the Shopping District,” Nick suggested. He could see he had the curious girl baited. “There will be a lot more space to play!”

She just looked more confused.

“Does she even know what ‘tag’ is?” Nola asked.

Nick blinked.

That… was a very good question.

“Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin, do you know what ‘tag’ is?” Nick asked.

The assassin blinked, and then her face lit up with understanding and she nodded quickly. She turned around and lifted her hair up with one hand while pulling down the collar of her jumpsuit with the other, baring her neck.

A bar code was imprinted on the back of it.

Nick cringed. “…N-no,” he stammered, face flushed with shame and guilt. “Not… I didn’t mean that kind of ‘tag’!”

The assassin lowered her hands and turned back to him, looking more confused than ever.

“Tag, it’s a game!” Nick explained. “Kids play it. One person is ‘it’ and they run around trying to tag people! And whenever they tag someone, that person becomes ‘it’! It’s a lot of fun! And it’s kind of exactly what we’re doing now. But usually, you’re supposed to play it outside.”

He remembered one time when he and Dakota had played tag in his house, and had accidentally broken one of Amelia’s vases.

She had not been pleased.

Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin contemplated his suggestion for all of two seconds before nodding eagerly with a sunny smile.

“So you want to play tag?” Nick asked hopefully.

Another nod, even more enthusiastic than the last.

Well that was a relief. “Great,” Nick said. “Then let’s head outside!”

This time she shook her head.

“Eh?”

Another shake of the head, followed by a wicked smirk.

Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin wanted to play tag. But apparently, she still wanted to stay in the hotel.

Well, great. Just great. So much for that.

Nick knew that he should seize the opportunity and try to tag her right now, when she was in front of him. But they were kind of on a time-out to discuss the rules, so that would feel a little underhanded to do.

Not to mention that given her skill and her reflexes, he probably wouldn’t even succeed anyway. So he sat on the chair looking warily up at Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin, whose eyes burned with expectation as she looked back at him.

Then she smiled again.

Nick barely even felt it at first. She moved so fast he could register the sensation until much later. But she had tapped him in the chest with two fingers before pulling back, giggling that strangely cute silent giggle she had.

The assassin had “tagged” him. And now he was “it”. At least, that was how she saw the rules of the game, anyway.

Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin rolled her hips, and skipped towards the elevator. This time, though, Nick didn’t miss a beat. He chased after her right to the door, expecting her to duck inside again. As long as he could keep her from closing it on him-

And then she dodged around the elevator, circling towards the regular exit. The Swimming Pool was accessible by elevator like every room in the hotel, but many of the rooms had their own normal exits as well.

She’d brilliantly faked him out, and before he could respond she was already gone, leaving the door swinging in her wake.

“Quick! Gotta go after her!” Nola cheered him on. “I’ll stay here and guard the pool!” She was already half out of her dress, and she was wearing her swimsuit underneath it.

Nick rolled his eyes and chased after the assassin. No need to rely on the elevator if Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin wanted a race through the halls.

Which was exactly what he expected from her. The moment he stepped out of the door, he saw the assassin at the end of the hallway waiting for him. She blew him a kiss and then turned around, dashing down the left hall.

Nick chased after her as fast as he could. When he got to the fork, he turned to the left, picking up speed…

…And ran right past the stationary assassin.

She’d been waiting for him just around the corner!

He snapped around, shocked, and nearly fell over trying to regain his balance.

“Hey!” He yelled, reaching out to her, but she’d already stepped out of reach. She wiggled her ass and gave him another wink before heading down the other way, and Nick turned around to chase her.

She was fast, but he could tell she was taking things easy on him. At their current speed, Nick could run without getting winded, which she seemed to pick up on, whether out of instinct or her years of experience as an assassin. Like back in the Trophy Garden, she perfectly matched her pace to his, meaning he could never quite catch her.

And honestly, even if he did, this was a game of tag with two people. If by some miracle Nick managed to tag Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin, she’d just tag him right back in a heartbeat and they’d get nowhere.

Still… he was enjoying himself in spite of things.

Maybe it was because he’d been building up this date to be worrisome and troubling due to the assassin’s quirks, or maybe it was because with all the running he couldn’t even think about the difficulty ahead. Nick didn’t really know. What he did know, though, was that he was having a lot of fun here, and it was thanks to the lighthearted “date” idea of the silent girl.

It was an odd choice, for sure. But not one he had any complaints about.

Nick realized that Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin was picking up speed as they got closer to an open door at the end of the hall. That wasn’t good! He was running at a casual pace so he could have sped up, and decided to do just that. She’d widened the gap between them and he needed to close it and catch up to-

His brain drew a blank when he suddenly saw the sparkling blue orbs of Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin staring at him.

For a moment it was as if time itself had stopped, like a slow motion scene in an action movie. Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin in the middle of running had come to a dead stop and spun around to face him, all within a fraction of a second. She planted herself in front of him like a road stop, and he was about to plow right into her!

Nick was going way too fast to stop in time, he knew that he was moments away from crashing into the poor girl.

…Except that “poor girl” was Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin.

Nick barely had time to register her smirk when he felt her strong yet dainty hands curl around his arm. A slight tug pulled his feet from the ground, and he felt the rest of his body moving along with his previous momentum as the assassin helped him along in the direction he’d been going.

It was a simple flip, if you looked at it from the outside. But Nick could barely even register that as he sailed through the open door, and landed on a soft mound of linens and spare blankets.

He wondered if she had planned this. Otherwise he might have been hurt from the sudden flip!

With how Nick had landed his head was looking upside-down, and he saw Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin standing over him in the doorway, peering down- or up- or whatever at him.

Directions didn’t really matter because the room was spinning. All Nick could register was that cheeky smile on her lips, showing him just how much fun she was having with their little game of tag.

Her giggles couldn’t be heard, which meant the laughter in Nick’s ears had to be his own. As crazy of a “date” as this girl had come up with, it was actually starting to be a lot of fun.