Let's see how it goes for Eric.

Eric watched his wife twitch and babble with a grimace. "Stacy? You ok?"

One eye closed, then the other, then they reopened in the same order and Stacy pursed her lips. "Ye-ye-yeah, I just... I think this is gonna be take. Going to be a while. A while? A while? A while? It doesn't hurt, it feels tickle."

"Ok," he said warily. Not leaving her side, he unlocked his phone and checked his email. Sure enough, there was an email from about half an hour previous labeled "GOLEM ACTIVATED". Strangely, there was no from address. The space where it should be was blank.

The body of the email was terse, congratulating him for his acquisition and providing a link to an app. He tapped the link and was surprised to be redirected to his home screen. Eric had the crazy thought that his wife rewrote herself with buggy software before he noticed a new icon in the corner. He hadn't gone to the app store or approved anything; it just appeared. It had no name and the icon was a shovel.

"Foof!" Stacy yelled, surprising him. He glanced at her and was surprised to see that her body was mostly still. The discoloration had almost entirely left the left side of her body where it originated. Her face was still lightly discolored, but the majority of the stain was across her waist and right arm.

"You ok, honey?" he asked with concern. She fixed him with an uncomprehending stare.

"Ooooook," she said. "Ok. Ok. I. Am. Ok, ok. Ok. OK! OK!"

Eric turned back to the app, having **** but to accept her answer. There were several tabs along the bottom of the screen, including Scripts, Golems, Settings. He selected scripts and was brought to a boilerplate page of text:

You can use this page to manage your scripts. Tap the icon in the upper left corner of your screen to see all available scripts.

He did what it suggested and was rewarded with two categories, Standard and Custom. Standard was filled with thousands of categories; scrolling through, he spotted Sex Partner, Musician, and Caretaker. He opened the custom category to see two options: Transmutee_base and Transmutee_Stacy.

He was startled again, this time by his wife grabbing his thigh. She was laughing maniacally now. "This feels so good," she said emphatically. "Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou."

Eric tried to ignore her and opened the Transmutee_Stacy file. There was a complex, indecipherable list of words that he supposed were categories. Everything from Motion to Autonomous Responses to Personality. Scrolling to the bottom, he saw what he was looking for. He tapped User Modifications and was shown yet another list.

This one was much shorter, maybe half a dozen items. He tapped one option, labeled Speech. A text box appeared now with a few lines of text:

You must pronounce the word "nuclear" as NOO-clear. You must pronounce the word "foliage" as FO-lee-ahj. You must not say anything intentionally hurtful to Eric. You must not tell anyone other than Eric that you are a golem unless he specifically requests or allows it.