Believe it or not...

Next to Charissa's bed was a water glass, a Bible, and a locked diary. "How cute," I thought. "Now how do I break in?"

I methodically started browsing through the drawers in her dresser, the cabinet under the desk, and even the dirty laundry - but I couldn't find anything that looked like a clue to the combination for the locked book of secrets.

"Fuck it," I said out loud and started leafing through the Bible. Various passages were highlighted and underlined, and I absentmindedly browsed the book I hadn't looked at since I was a kid. A few pages were folded over, and I turned to one of them.

Suppose a man’s wife goes astray, and she is unfaithful to her husband and has sex with another man, but neither her husband nor anyone else knows about it. She has defiled herself, even though there was no witness and she was not caught in the act. If her husband becomes jealous and is suspicious of his wife and needs to know whether or not she has defiled herself, the husband must bring his wife to the priest.

"Shit, that's fucked up," I said. I turned to another of the folded pages.

When she carried on her whoring so openly and flaunted her nakedness, I turned in disgust from her, as I had turned in disgust from her sister. Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses. Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts.

"Charissa, you perverted religious fucker!" I said. For the first time in my life, I opened the Bible with interest to another folded-over page.

Tamar took the loaves she had made and brought them to her brother Amnon in his room. When she brought them to him to eat, he took hold of her and said, 'Come, lie with me, my sister.' But she said, 'No, my brother. Do not make me. For such a thing is not done in Israel. Do not do this bad and foolish thing! As for me, where could I get rid of my shame? And as for you, you would be like one of the fools in Israel. So now I beg you, speak to the king, for he will not keep me from you.' But Amnon would not listen to her. Being stronger than she, he made her lay with him.

"I never knew the Bible was so kinky," I said to myself. More to the point, I never knew Charissa was so kinky!

None of this helped me break into the diary, of course. I read a few more racy chapters of the Lord's word and then found my way to a passage underlined and highlighted about twenty times.

"Jesus told him, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'"

The word "comes" was hilariously underlined, but even I recognized this classic verse. And then it hit me! Grabbing the diary, I turned the combination lock to "146," the chapter and verse of the quote from John.

Like a miracle, the diary snapped open! "Thank you, Jesus," I said as my shaky hands opened my coed babysitter's most private treasure.