This Is Going To Sound Bad

This is going to sound bad. Likely judgmental. Possibly even offensive.

So I want to say that this stupid reason is a stupid reason and I know that it's a stupid reason. I want to say that there is no excuse for me thinking this and it says only negative things about my own character that I would. And I want to say that I'm including it here because it's the truth, and I think that it's important to include the truth and all of the truth in a time like this.

And I want to say that I am absolutely a product of my time and my circumstances and my history and my surrounding and my upbringing.

And I was brought up in a very different time.

It's hard to escape my own biases, even if I know they belong to me. Sometimes instinct takes over and there is little you can do to escape it, but that's not really any excuse. The lessons you learn when you're young are too often the ones engrained in you. Shaking them off entirely feels so burdensome that it just might be an impossibility.

I'm not the worst actor. My opinions aren't as toxic as some. But maybe my own internalized guilt makes them feel worse to me because every time some terrible thought makes it's way into my brain, I can't help but feel like the absolute worst human being.

LIke I'm my father, with all of his regressively conservative tendencies and his nostalgia for a world that probably never was. Where men were men and did what men do. Bootstraps and all that bullshit and I guess what I'm trying to say right now is that there is some part of me, however small it may be, that still thinks of myself as a man.

Even in spite of everything I've gone through, some central and core part of me still has a mental image of me that is decidedly different from the external one that I'm wearing right now.

Fuck. I should probably go to therapy. Though what kind of therapist wouldn't have me committed when I told them a tale of time travel and dimensional shifts and how do I begin to seek help without giving them my full and unadulterated honesty and honestly right now I'm just avoiding saying the one thing that I need to say because I need to get it off my chest.

That reason. That reason that doesn't make any sense at all. That reason that I should ignore but I can't because it triggers and works on something innate to me.

It's the part that tells me anal sex is wrong if you're on the receiving end because you're a man and you're straight.

Isn't that more than a little fucked up?

I know it is.

It may sound dumb. It does in fact sound dumb. Absolutely idiotic to me. But it's true and I can't help it.

The fact is that if I gave in right now and let Blake use my pussy, it wouldn't make me doubt my own sexuality nearly as much as letting him have my asshole. Because society and all of the insecure little men around me when I was growing up, when I was learning all the lessons about how I should act and what I should want, were so positively terrified of that simple act of pleasure that they dressed it up as a perversion.

And that's their fault and it's their baggage and I only carry a fraction of it which is maybe why it's easier for me to know the totality of the stupidity of that position. But it doesn't make that little voice in the back of my mind any less insistent.

It keeps on talking.

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