In search of purpose, found a crab instead

So… that happened. I’m still a little shocked. It’s been a few days since I… I guess I’m a girlfriend now? That feels weird. I’m back in a relationship with Sasha, so I guess in that sense it’s back to something familiar. But that is a very narrow sense. I’m not her big quiet boyfriend anymore, but her shy little girlfriend. And the dynamic is clearly different when she picks me up off the floor after and long day of work and kisses and cuddles me in her lap. And then of course there’s Mark.

I’m his girlfriend too. That lucky bastard not only got Sasha after we broke up, he now has two girlfriends. Legitimately, no cheating… and one of them is me! Seriously, how lucky do you have to be to not just catch a girl on the rebound after a sad break up, but catch the whole couple on the rebound? Is he just that charming? No… I mean yes but also no. He makes me feel safe and loved in a way I’m not used to. He’s not as intense as Sasha, but he has a steadiness to him that makes me feel like everything will be okay. But honestly, I’d just be blushing at my feelings and pretending they don’t exist or mean something else forever if not for Sasha pushing me towards accepting them… which I really need to ask her why she wanted this so badly. I’m not complaining, but I don’t really feel like I understand her motivations. Sure, she wants to date me still, which makes me feel good. But most people just accept things are different now and move, maybe occasionally thinking back and wondering what things could have been like if it had gone differently.

My musings on Sasha’s inscrutable mind are cut short as I watch a crow get attacked by a bird winged crab falling on it from above and attempting to strangling it to **** with its claw. I had been pleasantly staring out the window into the yard. The winged crab was about the size of a cat, so I don’t think I need to worry about my own safety, especially while inside. But it is an unexpected reminder that the whole world is currently figuring out its new ecosystem from top to bottom. Scientists are probably going to be driven mad trying to figure out if the new species of insects they find are new because they just hadn’t discovered them yet, or because they only recently were transformed into existence. Sure, it’s pretty obvious for the larger creatures what’s what. I highly doubt I’m the first person to discover a species of naturally evolved crow throttling flying crabs with feathery brown wings and blue shells, but insects were probably going to have some less clear cases.

I kind of feel bad for the crab. The crow slips from its clumsy grasp and flies away, no doubt now with a great story to tell all of its crow buddies about a stupid flying crab. It’s clear the crab is a clumsy flyer, and really just got lucky in touching the crow at all that the crow wasn’t expecting a crab to fall from the sky on it. I glance around the yard, and confirm there isn’t anything larger out there. I run outside and grab a bucket and approach the crab. I try to be sneaky, but the crab is the first thing in a while I’ve been around that I am large in comparison to. Luckily its instincts seem to be more like that of a crabs than a birds, as its eyes swerve to me. It lifts its claws up menacingly and holds its wings wide to make itself as big as possible… and then begins scurrying sideways away from me making it clear it would rather run away than fight. I chase after it, strangely determined to bring this bizarre creature into the safety of the house where it won’t get unceremoniously killed by an owl or something else as suddenly as it attacked the crow.

I drop the bucket on it just as it remembers it has wings and tries to fly away. I hold the bucket down, and slowly slide it over to the door. I place enough rocks on top to hold the bucket still while I go search for a cage or box to keep it in. Luckily I find an old dog carrier. After a bit of positioning to make sure the crab has no where else to go, I flip the bucket over quickly to put its bottom in the cage, then flip the whole carrier on its side so the door is on top and the crab drops inside. I close the cage while removing the bucket. I see the now trapped crab and feel accomplished.

I bring it back inside and put it on the coffee table in the living room. I get some leftover chicken and slide some between the bars. I don’t know if he’ll eat it, but I have to try. I did it. I saw a weird creature that was bungling its way through this strange new world, and I saved it. I feel accomplished today. I look around and consider what else I can do.

With Sasha and Mark both at work many days, I’m left alone a lot of the time. I’ve tried vacuuming before, but the old vacuum we have is too big and clunky for me to use, and I don’t want to ask Sasha to buy a new lighter vacuum just so I can feel useful. Cleaning surfaces is a little more doable, and I have started to wipe down the kitchen daily using stools to reach the counters. Unfortunately this method only expands my useful cleaning abilities so much, with many high shelves just being too far out of my reach without ladders that I’m too weak to move even if we had them. So… right now I’ve got about half an hour worth of useful tasks I can do each day. Yup, I’m a free loader. Both Sasha and Mark tend to do dishes as soon as they use them, so I can’t even add dishes to the list. I need to do something… but I can’t do anything.

No, that’s not true. I saved a crab. I can’t do what I used to do, but I can do something. Heck, Sasha and Mark both have days they just work at home since they can just use email. I can find something to do that makes Sasha and Mark’s lives easier, or maybe even makes money… shit. It’s easy to think up options, but even easier to think of reasons why all of them are bad ideas. Any job outside means going out into a world still debating my value as a person. I might be overly fearful at this point, as it’s at least being talked about now, but that won’t help me if I’m cornered by some lunatic, and the image of that lizard thing getting shot by someone it probably considered family still haunts my dreams occasionally. So, no outside. Online jobs? I have zero qualifications for a work from home position. Less than zero, I moved heavy things for a living. I guess podcasts and the like don’t technically have any formal requirements, but they still need someone with charisma. I’m about as charismatic as a rock. I have my moments like anyone, but that’s not enough for a career.

My head keeps working away at the hopeless task as I watch the crab. It tries to grab the cage with its pincers, but they are too fat to fit between the bars. After several minutes of this, it finds the door latch. It has no way of operating it from its side, but the metal casing for it sticks out a bit from the flat plane of the cage mesh, letting it fit the casing in its claw. Not that that matters… a sound of twisting metal sounds from it as it crushes the metal casing instantly, making some springs pop out. I jump at the sudden noise, and then feel a sense of dread fill me up as it occurs to me I might have been playing with something that could kill me easily. Luckily the locking mechanism seems to have failed shut, so the crab is still trapped.

Okay, worry about my usefulness later, I need to figure out what to do about a crab on the coffee table that can seemingly crush about anything it can fit its claws around. Preferably before Sasha and Mark get home and ask why I let a tiny **** machine into the house. That crow was way luckier than I had realized. Okay, okay. Think. It can’t fit its claws around the cage mesh, except maybe where the crushed lock mechanism is. So as long as it doesn’t… it’s picking at the crushed lock. Shit. Okay. Um…

Panicking, a bit, I tentatively approach the cage and tip it back up so the door is on top. The rest is plastic, but it’s also solid except for some tiny vent holes so it can’t grab any part of it. The crab dangles down from its grip on the lock, its wings flapping in a futile attempt at flight that just drums the side of the carrier rapidly creating a pretty scary sound. I can feel my eyes tear up as I imagine the crab breaking free and killing me with a single snip of its claw. What a humiliating way to die, even the crow was able to avoid it. Luckily the crab lets go of the lock and falls down to the bottom. It rights itself from its back using its wings, and then just sits. I can almost feel its annoyance with the situation. It has claws able to decimate its cage, but it can’t fit any part of the cage inside its claws now.

Okay, dreams of having a new crab friend are definitely dashed. I look inside and imagine his black beady eyes are filled with malice and hatred towards me, even though they probably just don’t care and just want out to find food. Which I might count as if he can grab me. It’s okay, I just need to be careful. People get close to snapping turtles and such, this can’t be that different. And it’s not like I was planning to shake his claw, it doesn’t take super strength for a crab pinch to hurt.

I feel a bit silly doing it, but no one is here to see me… “pleathe, please don’t **** me Mr. Crab, I will give you more chicken. Lots more.” Intent on assuaging any enmity towards me I imagine he might have, I go get more chicken and drop it, along with some casserole, down into his cage. Some lands on his head, and he raises his small but apparently mighty claws up in angry defiance of the cruel goblin creature pelting him with food scraps from above… oh god he’s definitely going to kill me if he gets the chance.

Okay… so now I need to figure out how to make money, and how to explain to Sasha about this crab situation. And how to ask her in a non confrontational way why she pushed so hard for a poly relationship. And… I need to swallow my pride and ask Mark to handle the crab when he gets back. If I’m getting forcibly ejected from the ranks of manly men, I’m at least taking advantage of being tiny and weak to beg the big strong man to solve my violent crab problem. He has two girls, he has no room to complain if he has to deal with crabs. The crab flutters its wings again, the rapid drumming on the carrier sides seemingly rebuking my internal joke. Stupid violent crab has no sense of humor… I drop in some corn in case it wants vegetables. Love me crab! Or at least don’t kill me in my sleep.

This is suddenly a very stressful day. I don’t have a job at all and I’m somehow failing at being a stay at home girlfriend. The standards for this, especially in my case since I’ve gone from being Sasha’s pet introvert boyfriend to Sasha and Mark’s pet introvert girlfriend hiding extra hard from the rest of the world in case they later decide I should die… what was I thinking? Oh right. The standard I need to live up to is basically underground since Sasha and Mark expect nothing from me. How am I fucking this up?! How do I take a quiet day at home and somehow create a crab nemesis that I need to beg for help to overcome? What if he gets thirsty? Can crabs drink? Do need to get him a bath? Note to self, never engage with nature again. Sure, having a cool pet sounds all well and good until you realize dogs took generations to domesticate and most everything else would happily kill you if given the opportunity no matter how much free chicken you dump on its head.

I sigh heavily and take a deep breath. I sit down and commit myself to vigilantly watching the crab, to make sure it doesn’t pull a horror movie trope on me where I look away only for the cage to be empty when I look back and BAM, suddenly crab. I will not be defeated by you, Mr. Crab. I will hold out until reinforcements arrive. And then Sasha and Mark can throw you outside far enough away that I don’t have to worry about you coming back for ****.

A couple hours later, Sasha and Mark come home to see me sitting next to an upturned dog carrier with an angry crab inside, my long ears drooping down sadly in anticipation of having to explain how this came to pass.

“Uh… I can explain…”