Dungeon Smashy

"HRYAH!"

With a feral roar, Roland brought his greatsword down in an arch over his head. The mushroom man never stood a chance. The Fun-Guy was cleaved cleanly in half, and the tip of the heavy blade embedded into the stone beneath him.

"Roland! Behind you!"

Metal sang as the swordsman ripped his blade free, twisting in place and swinging hard. He didn't know what was sneaking up on him, but he trusted Trixa more than enough to take her at her word. He only saw the second Fun-Guy a split second before his blade made contact. The monster, resembling a fly agaric mushroom if it was four feet tall and spouting arms and legs, had been sneaking up behind him. It no doubt intended to spray him with a blast of vile spores while his attention was elsewhere. His blade cut through it, just as it had the others, sending its oversized mushroom cap whizzing off the top of its head like a discus while the plant monster collapsed to the ground.

"Gorin! Look out!" Roland heard Trixa shout.

Glancing up, he saw the smallfolk priestess standing atop a pile of stone and wood rubble where he had left her. The diminutive woman only stood a few feet tall, resembling a shrunken human, and was dressed in flowing ivory and gold robes with tawny hair tied back into a neat braid. She had been the last to enter this dungeon section through the hole in the collapsed floor, this room's ceiling, and Roland could still see the hallway they'd climbed down from before they were attacked.

The priestess whipped her hands before her, light and sparkles trailing her fingertips in a brilliant, shining tear that appeared in thin air. The rip in reality dissipated as the radiant magic rocketed forward, wrapping Gorin in a golden, transparent bubble on impact. The two Fun-Guy that had rushed toward the dwarf from their hiding spot released clouds of iridescent green spores surrounding him. But, thanks to her magic, he remained unharmed.

"Thanks, Trix!" the burly dwarf bellowed before turning his attention to the two new contenders. The Battlemaster, his beard braided with trinkets and gold thread, his plate mail worn and dented through combat, brought his axe to bear. Within only a few moments, had made short work of the mushroom monsters.

"Watch out!" Ivy shouted from the far end of the room. An explosion shook the room a split second later, and another Fun-Guy's severed, smoking mushroom cap came cartwheeling across the room, bouncing harmlessly off the golden shield the Trixa had surrounded Gorin with. "Sorry!"

Roland tightened his grip on his greatsword, turning toward the Tinker, ready to charge to Ivy's aide, but even a brief look told him his assistance wasn't needed. The young elf was glancing over her Expando-Shield, as she called it, her pink undercut blown backward and singed at the edges. The goggles she wore were equally soot-smudged, but it was nothing compared to the crater she'd left in the dungeon only ten feet in front of her, where the remains of three different Fun-Guy had been blown to bits.

"You alright, Ives?" Roland called, though the answer was obvious.

"Hehe! Yea!" the Tinker shouted back, unable to hide the manic smile that split her features.

The adventurers worked like a well-oiled machine, clearing the large room by chopping, slicing, smashing, and blowing the remaining Fun-Guy into little mushroom bits. As the last one fell, and all of them took a moment to catch their breath, Roland briefly considered what it would be like to try and cut one up and eat one of them but discarded the idea just as quickly. He knew some adventuring parties wanted to challenge themselves by living in dungeons for as long as they could and eating the monsters that dwelled there, but Roland much preferred Trixa's magically conjured feasts. They tasted better, and he didn't have to worry about food poisoning. Not to mention, the idea of eating monsters was just insane.

"How's everyone doing?" he asked, standing up straight and sheathing his massive blade across his back. "Anyone hurt? Anyone breathe the spores in?"

"I'm ready if you need it," Trixa called happily as she climbed down off her platform of rubble.

"I'm okay," Gorin confirmed with a nod. "Thanks again, Trix."

"Of course, what are friends for?" the smallfolk asked, smiling. "Ivy?"

"I'm great! Did you see the way that thing just- KAPOW?!" Ivy exclaimed, giggling maniacally.

"It was rather impressive." Trixa nodded, "Now come here; I think your hair is smoldering."

Ivy ran up to the priestess, who was already working a spell to restore the singed split ends, along with Ivy's other burns, and Roland could tell the Tinkerer was about to go into one of her full-blown chatterbox episodes. The elf had been like that since she joined the group a year prior, and it never ceased to amaze him. Every elf he'd ever met or even heard of had been these pillars of stoicism and poise, and yet this one-

"I think if I increase the yield by 33%, then there won't even be a mushroom cap left!" she shouted, punctuating a stream of jargon and excitement that none could keep up with.

"If you make your bombs any bigger, I might have to heal more than just burns, Ivy," Trixa told her matter-of-factly. "Please. Don't."

"But-"

"Roland, could ye help me over here?" Gorin called from the far end of the room.

"What's up?" the swordsman asked the dwarf as he approached, the chattering fading into the background.

"Ye find anything over there?"

Roland shook his head but looked back to give the section of the room where he'd been fighting a quick scan. Nothing but rubble and bits of mushroom man. Frowning, he looked around the large room and found it much the same. Rotten wood and decaying stone pockmarked with craters where the mushroom men had been rooted, the hole they'd descended through which led back to a hallway much the same in appearance as the room they stood, a few piles of rubble, and an old wooden door that led deeper into the Green Hills Dungeon.

"Nothing," Roland admitted.

"Damn." The dwarf growled.

"Maybe there will be something deeper in." Roland offered. "There's still a few more levels we can go."

Gorin made a rude noise with his mouth and turned away from Roland, heading toward the lone wooden door in the room. While he had tried to make the Battlemaster feel better, Roland couldn't help but understand where the dwarf was coming from. They'd already been in the Green Hills Dungeon for four days with nothing to show for their efforts. They hadn't found so much as a coin, much less a magic item or, heavens forbid, a treasure horde.

The party of adventurers had purchased the map to and through the dungeon for five hundred gold pieces back in the city of Big Rock, and it seemed like they'd gotten swindled. The dungeon thus far had been picked clean, long ago emptied by dozens of parties before them. It had cost damn near everything they had to purchase the map from the Adventurer's Guild there, along with supplies for a week's travel and a week's exploration, and it increasingly seemed they'd be going home empty-handed.

"Damned gnome," Gorin grumbled as he trundled away, "I ought to ring his scrawny neck."

Roland looked over to Trixa, who was busy smiling up at the hyperactive Ivy. He couldn't help but chuckle at the matronly expression on the much shorter woman's face, who placidly watched the taller elf. She looked like a mother listening to her child prattle on about their favorite toy, yet the "mother" in this situation was two feet shorter and three hundred years younger than the "child" in question.

"Hey Trixa," Roland called. "You've got the map to this place, right?"

"Yes, I do." She called back.

"Come here; we need a look."

"A moment, dear." She called before returning her attention to Ivy. The excitable Tinker nodded emphatically and stepped away, allowing Trixa space to do more than listen to her talk about blowing things up. Ivy moved to the room's far end, where she immediately pulled out a comically large black ball with a fuse on one end. Trixa then walked over to Roland. "Yes?"

"Can I see the map?" he asked the priestess.

"Of course," she said, pulling off her back to retrieve it. "Everything alright?"

"Only so far as we've still got food for a few days." Roland offered. "Seems like we haven't found anything thus far and trying to ensure where we stand in here."

"It has been rather slim pickings, hasn't it?" Trixa considered.

"Probably the best way to put it," Roland agreed as he took the yellowed parchment from the shorter woman. "Can you grab a light, too?"

Roland and Trixa settled down on the dirty stone floor. The taller swordsman was kneeling, pouring over the map, while the shorter woman stood holding a ball-light. The spherical orb of glass and magic shone with a pale white luminance that cast ghostly shadows on their decrepit surroundings. Unfortunately, the magic bauble did little to solve the issue at hand.

"Damn, we're almost three-quarters of the way through this place." Roland lamented.

"That makes sense," Trixa nodded along. "It's been a few days, and reportedly, it takes five or six to traverse it."

"And wouldn't ye know it, we ain't found so much as a fuckin' copper," Gorin growled from nearby. With another grunt, he pried open the wooden door, which, from Roland's angle, seemed to lead to yet another dilapidated hallway. "Oh, joy! And look at that! Even more fuckin' nothin'!"

Roland and Trixa traded regretful glances as they watched the furious dwarf stomp off into the next room. They could hear him bellyaching and grumbling but couldn't determine the specifics of his cursing.

"I'm sorry, Roland," Trixa said sadly. "It was my idea to buy the map in the first place."

"Don't be like that," he said, shaking his head. "No one had any complaints, and we all pitched in what we had. It's not like anyone knew this place would be a dead end."

"I know, but I feel so bad. We could have been somewhere you could have made a profit. But I wanted to go to the Verdant Eminence."

"And so did I. But it's okay. It's beautiful countryside. Plus, we got to see those sheep on the way. And, besides, at least someone's happy." Roland said, turning his attention to Ivy in the corner of the room who-

"Run! Run, run, run, run!" Ivy, who, up until only a moment prior, had been giggling like a happy child, shouted as she suddenly sprinted by. The large black bomb she'd been toying with for the last few minutes was left lying where she'd been seconds before, the large fuse sparkling furiously as it burnt down toward its payload.

"Shit!" Roland shouted, turning to run after the panicking elf.

"Oh no!" Trixa exclaimed, following the other two.

After only a few steps, Roland turned, realizing that Trixa's much shorter legs were not meant for this. Quickly scooping up the smaller woman and cradling her to him, Roland had only enough time to turn his armored back to the explosive at the far end of the room before the bomb detonated.

Sound and darkness gave way to pressure and light. Roland and Trixa were blown toward the open door and the hallway beyond where Gorin and Ivy had managed to escape. Even amid the blast that ripped him off his feet and knocked the wind from his lungs, Roland gripped the much smaller woman's head and back tightly to his body as they rocketed forward, protecting her from what he knew was about to come. Then, like a billiard ball made of metal, with far more joints than any sphere should have, Roland rolled head over heels out of the destroyed room and into the hallway beyond, the smallfolk safe in the center of his armored form.

When Roland came to a few seconds later, his ears rang, and Gorin craned his neck back, allowing Trixa to pour a healing potion down his throat. He coughed and gagged, fighting against the cherry-flavored elixir that ran unrestricted into his gullet, and both were happy to oblige him. Trixa stopped pouring, and Gorin eased him down into a supine position. Behind them, Ivy was practically sobbing.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" the elf cried. "I killed Roland!"

"I'm not dead," Roland coughed.

"Not for lack of tryin', though," Gorin said, slapping Roland on his armored chest. "Now finish what yer momma gave ya."

"Oh, he doesn't have to- "Trixa began to recork the healing potion, but Gorin shook his head and pointed.

"Finish it. Ye don't know if anything got rattled about in there." The dwarf said with a few hard taps on Roland's armor.

"Yeah, yeah. Thanks, 'dad'." Roland said, taking the proffered potion and downing the last of the cherry-flavored drink.

"Yer welcome, 'son,'" Gorin grumbled, standing up to examine the still-smoking remains of the room they'd just been in.

"I'm so sorry!" Ivy sobbed, quickly taking Gorin's spot by Roland's side. "Are you two okay?"

"Yeah, just banged up a bit," Roland confirmed.

"I am." Trixa agreed before smiling at the swordsman, "Thanks to this big lug here."

"Gods, how much blasting powder did you use?" Roland asked, turning to look at the Tinkerer.

"Well, I-"

"Scratch that, whatever you used, don't use that much again."

"But, I-"

"No." Roland shot back before she could speak.

Ivy turned her attention to Trixa, but the smallfolk priestess looked at her with the same warning.

"Not ever again." Trixa echoed.

Ivy sighed, the wind stolen from her sails, and she nodded.

"Okay, I won't." she agreed, "I'm really sorry. I don't know what happened. I was-"

"Hey guys, yer not gonna believe this," Gorin called.

"What is it?" Roland asked, sitting up.

"I think it's a second dungeon."