I'm Not Going To Be Celibate

The words are almost enough to make me laugh.

"So being her should be enough then?" I mock once more, "I'm supposed to be celibate? A nun? Have joy in meditation and self reflection?"

"I never said anything of the like," she starts, but I am barely even hearing it, journeying on my own self-aggrandizing point as I make it with a flourish.

"Deny myself pleasure because pleasure alone will never be enough? Will never make me happy?

"I don't buy it, Baba. There are parts of what you say that make sense but self-acceptance should be acceptance of all things. And sex is a part of that.

"Being who you are shouldn't come at the expense of denying yourself pleasure. I spent too much time denying myself in my old life to do that to myself now.

"No, if being happy means being alone then I don't choose it. I'd rather a hollow life with others than a fulfilled one alone."

She sighs in a way that tells me that I haven't learned the lesson yet, that I've missed the point. Long and slow but patient as she waits for me to spill out and then calm enough to be ready to hear her again as she says precisely what I expect her too.

"You're misinterpreting my point. Intentionally. I never said don't fuck anyone, Emily. I didn't say that you needed to be celibate. I didn't say that you couldn't have that and more. I didn't say that you needed to deny yourself.

"You said that. And what does that say about you?"

Something twitches in my jaw and I have to fight against the urge to leap over the desk and throttle her. I get the fact that she's larger than life and bigger than me but certainly she understands that I need more than half-truths and whispered riddles and it's her fault.

"If you could speak clearly then maybe I could get it," I snarl.

"Don't look at the world through extremes," she starts, "Don't look at it as all in on one thing and not the other. Don't look at it as a moment, as a choice. Don't look at it as something you need to decide and then it all happens.

"For fucks sake, Emily. Don't be a passenger in your own goddamn life."

I don't know that she's ever swore before. Somehow swearing is a vulgarity that I think she intentionally denies to herself and the shock of it is enough to make me forget my biting reply and sit up when she speaks again, a part of me ready to listen.

"I have bad news for you, you don't get to relax. Life is not about passivity, it's about activity. Making the choice to better yourself is a conscious action that you engage in every moment of every moment of your life.

"You have to choose it.

"You have to decide."

That doesn't sound like something I want. Frankly it sounds exhausting and I'm almost willing to dismiss it out of hand until I remember what passivity gets me.

Forgotten birthdays. A shadow of a life. Unhappiness that is central in every moment instead because giving in to not paying attention is an addiction that I manifested for decades.

"Mindfulness," she says, "It's as simple as that. Mindfulness and being mindful and aware of yourself. Of the world around you. Of the people within it. Choosing to take joy in every moment that you experience because you are experiencing it. Because experiencing it means that you're still alive."

She smiles and her hands flex. They shift to her lap and pet something invisible as her eyes close with her imagination driving her intentions.

"The simple animal is often the happiest because they are just happy to be there. The pet. The companion. They are perceived as giving of themselves to the one that calls them their owner but that is a fraction of the truth of them.

"The truth is that they are content because they are aware in every moment. The simplest animal is often the one who is living the most because they are taking the time to enjoy all the simple pleasures.

"Contentment. Warmth. A good place to be.

"They do not seek much more than that and they are willing to show their affection with affection of their own. They are willing to give, unconditional, because you have given so much to them.

"Be like a pet. Be aware of the joys around you in every moment because, however fleeting they may be, they are often even present in the darkness and they are often enough.

"Be like a pet. Eyes open and heart willing to find the best in things.

"Take a page out of their book and you will find bountiful ends to justify your own happiness."

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