Sexcuse me.

“…alternate reality where Mike Pence was assassinated during the Capitol riot, and it served as a wake up call to all the Republicans but Ted Cruz and Marjory Taylor Green, but more importantly to the military. General Neiler issued a call to arms, and the Marines staged a military coup.”

“Kacey, do you seriously expect me to believe that you’re a dimension hopper?”

“Well I was until I got stuck here! That stupid lake is like a geomantic sinkhole! Anyway they found Trump holed up in Mar A Lago and dragged him out in shackles. His public execution by guillotine was broadcast live from the penthouse of Trump Tower.”

I arch an eyebrow at Barbie who just shrugs in response. This has been kind of par for the course for the last week. Every nutcase from Duluth to Thunder Bay has been calling in with weird stories, crackpot theories, even a theoretical Chupacabra sighting in the woods to the north. I mean, it makes good radio, but some of these schmucks should be writing this stuff down to sell it rather than calling me.

“So to make a long story short, living in a military dictatorship isn’t really that bad.”

“So where you’re from is basically the prequel to Starship Troopers?” Barbie asks this, once more surprising me with her nerd cred.

“Pretty much, yeah.”

Odd to think that a military coup would lead to a less conservative society. Some of the things Kacey has been describing over the last five minutes of her call have been downright Utopian. I guess it comes down to the rule of the strong, and when the strong are surprisingly progressive and fed up with being thrown into the shit by people who are in power just because they have money, well things turn out ok. Brutal, but ok.

“I’m still wrapping my head around the idea of someone in power actually doing something without jumping through legal hoops to get there.”

“Seriously Danny, I can’t stay here. That asshole is running for president again and if he gets into office…”

“Well, you heard it here folks. Kacey wants a ticket out of this dimension. If anyone can facilitate that call in on Monday night and we’ll talk about it. That’s all the time we have for tonight though, so enjoy our Saturday Theater with the voice of Maurice Tarpalin as… The Strange Dr. Weird”

”Good evening. Come in, won't you? Why, what's the matter? You seem a bit nervous. Perhaps the cemetery outside this house has upset you. But there are things far worse than cemeteries. For instance...”

“Are you gay?”

BAM. Right out of left field. Barbie’s sitting there staring at me with a nervous expression in her eyes and her lips slightly parted.

“It’s ok if you are, but I needed to ask so I’m sure I’m not wasting my time.”

“Wait a second, what?”

“Seriously, Danny, for a guy with the charisma you swing around, you’re a little dense. I’ve been throwing myself at you for a week and you haven’t made a single move. So answer me. Are you gay?”

“I’m not gay.”

“Am I not your type? Do you prefer brunettes? I can dye my hair. Do I dress too slutty? Shit, for you I’m willing to go full Handmainden’s Tale. What’s a girl got to do to get some of you?” She was visibly getting worked up, a flush crawling across her tanned skin. “I’m afraid I can’t do anything about my tits, they’re factory originals but if they’re too big I can schedule a consult about reduction and-“

“If you ever even suggest that your body is anything less than perfect ever again, I swear I will turn you over my knee and paddle you until you cry.”

That stopped her. A sly smile spread across her lips. “Promise?”

“Ok. I’m an idiot. I’ve spent the last week alternating between believing that you were just hazing the new guy and wondering what someone as… well someone as ‘you’ as you are could see in a fat old dumpy sonovabitch like me.”

She stood up from her side of the desk. “You’re kind,” she said as she walked around to my side. “You’re funny.” She pushed my rolling office chair back and sat down in my lap. “You’re smart.” She stroked my cheek, then trailed her hand down my chest, leaning in to whisper in my ear. “And you have a really big cock.” Her hand fell on the aforementioned portion of my anatomy and started rubbing through the fabric of my now very uncomfortably tight jeans. “Plus, I might just have some Danny… er… daddy issues.”

Well, color me stupid.