Question Two

"That is good. You were too closed off from the world and from the people in it before you experienced this change. So at least now you can rest assured that if you do go back, you will have a broader perspective. You will have learned something."

She curls a finger, two of them in fact.

"Question two."

I inhale sharply and nod. The first question had only brought up more questions, but it had shifted things for me. I was both more and less certain of myself at this point, but open to possibilites.

"Your sexuality. Are you interested in men? Are you interested in women? Are you interested in both?

"I think this question may be the most pressing in your mind. After all you are spending so much time with both of them, both sides of the coin, and you are so confused because things, they aren't working out the way you always believed they would.

"So you're not sure. You're thinking back to the way it was when you were a man and you're believing that it was simpler then. You're trying to separate out lust from love and trying to find your place in and amongst all of it.

"You're remembering what you used to feel and comparing it to now."

"I am," I nod, "I'm... having trouble. On the one hand I've felt... good at the hands of both men and women. But on the other hand it's hard to deny that I feel a draw more towards one than the other and it's hard to deny that..."

I could feel myself start to get worked up and so I concentrated on calming down. Breathing slowly and stilling my bucking spirit and choosing my words carefully.

"I feel like I know how I ought to feel and I feel like everything is more right than it's ever been in my life before. I mean I'm with her, with Rachel, and I always figured that would make me happy but then now I'm here and it's not anything like what I figured. Something feels like it's missing and I don't know why.

"But I know that it shouldn't, not if I am who I thought I was. So that means that either I'm wrong about me, or I'm broken. And either way I don't know how to handle that."

"It's funny," she replies, "In some ways sexuality is such an easier answer than you'd think it would be. In some ways it's far more complicated.

"I won't put a label on things, on you. That feels like it falls short. Bisexual. Pansexual. Straight. All of the rest of everything is an overly simplistic snap on solution and for so many of the reasons you already believe and understand.

"Sex and lust. Love and relationships. These interests are and should be different, be separated. Who we want to touch us and who we want to let into our heart are two very different things, and you're starting to sense that now.

"I want to caution that just because you can get pleasure from someone, doesn't mean that you're drawn to receiving pleasure from them. In that way maybe lust and sexuality are more complicated than love.

"Because when it comes to love it's hard to lie, not truly. You can try to lie to yourself and so many people do, settling for someone who doesn't thrill or excite them. But some part of you does always know and understand when you're with someone you don't truly want to be with. When you're with someone who doesn't make your heart soar."

"So what am I, then?" I ask, "Because she doesn't make my heart soar. I know that she should, that she's good enough for it. But I know that she doesn't and that she never will and I think..."

The Baba Yaga leans forward, imploring me to, "Go on."

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