What Am I?

Slowly Rachel crosses the room towards me. I listen to every footfall, hear the padding of them and then the slap of something hard from just below waist height.

It's the substitute cock. It has to be. She's bouncing it off her hip, her thigh. She's teasing me with it because she knows that I'm listening and she wants me to hear.

How hard it sounds. How fucking thick. How goddamn heavy.

My nostrils flare as I try to still myself, try to stop the pounding in my heart and my head. I am dizzy from the thought that something here is going to happen and that I'm bound and gagged and just going to have to take it and I want it but this is easier.

I can't back out now. Can't let my cowardice hold me back.

Not to say that I'm not afraid. I'm fucking terrified but it's easier to ignore that when I know that there is an inevitability to this and so instead I have to focus on other things. On a lingering question that I don't know that I've ever really decided on an answer to.

Will I still be a virgin after this?

Sex is not as binary as all of that. It isn't simply taking a cock inside of you. It isn't a woman and a man because there are all sorts of combinations and all sorts of variations that don't fit the bill for this.

So, when Rachel is done with me, will I still be able to call myself a virgin?

It matters. I can't fully explain why but it does fucking matter to me. It matters for countless reasons including so many that have made the difference tonight. Lucas and the opportunity he presents, sure, but also more than that just the concept of being with a man in any way.

Because part of me is holding back from that. Part of me doesn't want to make the leap, thinking that there was some kind of piece, small or large, that was missing. Something that would make it all easier, more special. That would make it feel right.

No, tonight wouldn't make things easier. Being with Rachel would be amazing, but it wouldn't be the same. Being with Rachel... it would never be enough.

I wasn't straight. I mean... Oh god this is all so complicated.

I didn't know if I was a man or a woman but that was a whole level on top of things that could be cast aside for just a moment because we needed to take a stand on one thing and that one thing could start with this simple statement: Right now, I was a woman.

So with that in mind, with the idea that I was a woman for the time being, I could say that I wasn't straight. I liked Rachel. I liked Jake and Blake and Lucas and that stranger in the alley and I... I liked men. And women. So I wasn't straight.

Bisexual, I guess, is the right term but there is a facet of that which needs to be acknowledged. The latter half of it which refers, to me at least, to sexual attraction. And sexual attraction is fun, but it is in a whole different category from romantic attraction.

I was bisexual, but I wasn't bi-romantic.

I didn't want to be with a woman in the same way I did with a man. I didn't fantasize about walking down an aisle smiling at Rachel and she didn't make my heart go flip flop. She didn't make it skip a beat. She didn't make me burn...

No man had either, not yet, and maybe that was the point but I felt the draw and the urge pulling me towards them. I felt this tug, this gravity. And it only went towards men.

Rachel could please me, but I didn't know if she could ever satisfy me any more than sexually.

Not that that wasn't enough for me right now.

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