ALICE Ch 25

“Look. Look.” Alice squeezes her boobs together, then jiggles them at the iPad. “You really don’t want to touch these puppies?”

“I’ve touched your willie. Close enough,” Kylie replies.

“It’s not the same thing. It’s like so different.”

Kylie shrugs and tosses her hair, then takes a drink from her water bottle.

“Hey, I saw someone on social media say that I’m an A-cup. I’m not A-cup! And Erica Bruhl says that when I wear the suit it looks like I have no butt. I do too have a butt.” Alice pauses to think. “And now I have it on good authority that it’s cute. Because Erica Bruhl seems very discerning. She doesn’t like just anybody’s butt.”

“She’s a fancy lady.”

“I think you’re a fancy lady.”

“Hang it up, Alice.”

“Should I talk about this when I talk to Netflix next? Like maybe one day I’ll be famous for my ‘I have a butt’ speech.”

“Alice, please. Don’t let Glynda or anyone hear you say that. Ever,” Kylie warns.

“Speaking of Glynda, did you know she’s a vampire?”

Kylie was reaching to end the call, but she stops, frowning. “Tell me I misheard that.”

“No, really. Look,” Alice says quickly, scooting closer to the iPad.

“Can you put those away?” Kylie asks, motioning at Alice’s bare chest.

“No. They need to breathe. Look.” Alice counts on her fingers. “One, we know that Glynda’s scary. Two, she’s a creature of the night. She was creeping around the hotel at all hours in Bahrain. And she bit me.”

“She bit you?”

“She bit me,” Alice confirms, nodding. “Now I have the thirst.”

“You are thirsty.”

“No, it’s like a specific thing. A very Glynda thing. I’ll die without it. That’s why you have to take your top off. My thirst is for boobs. I’m a boobie vampire now.”

“Then go get some from mummy.”

“I just told you she’s a vampire, not a mummy.”

“What would your mother say if I told her what a muppet you are?”

“Oh, she knows. Make with the boobies.”

“Got your own, haven’t you?”

“Yours are bigger.”

Kylie frowns and looks down. “Are they?”

In fact, they probably aren’t. But they look bigger because Kylie’s seven or eight inches shorter than Alice. Alice pounces.

“Only one way to find out,” she says. “And even if they aren’t bigger, they’re better. OK? Like, they’re way better.”

“Better how?” Kylie is exasperated.

“You’re, uh, exotic. And the way you talk is cute. And you have those sexy tan lines.”

“I do not have tan lines.”

That is a lie. Kylie is lying.

“Oh, really? Prove it, then.”

Kylie closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Walked into that, didn’t I? All right.” She sighs. “All right. Well-played.”

“Yes!” Alice doesn’t worry about how silly she looks, sweaty and topless as she flings her arms into the air in victory. “Alice Wilde wins the booby grand prix!”