Not as bad but also not Great Tbh.

Healing Takes Time- Rough Draft

The work day was like salt on a fresh wound, Jeremy both felt naked with out the Feminine touches that reminded him of his time as Jasmine and felt guilty for missing them. Some how hes was feeling guilty because he wasn't being the man he know the world wanted him to be and the person that Lissy was comfortable with and felt safe with. The same feeling he wanted from Nate, he felt guilty for not being able to get to her even if it meant sacrificing his future and his happiness, He know the wasn't a healthy mindset but he couldn't quite shake it. It felt like you were a circle being **** into a square hole and when you didn't fit you tried the correct hole but now you no longer fit because of the shape you twisted yourself into. The conflicting feelings had him so distracted that it was effecting his work and Lu noticed. She asked questions but couldn't get anything out of you besides. 'girl trouble' which was an understatement of epic proportions.

College wasn't much better but there weren't any one there you were as close to as Lu. The friends you did have took 'I'll be fine' at face value and went about their day.

When you got home Nate was not in the kitchen but dinner and a note was.

I don't feel like talking right now, I still care for you and want you, but I want you to come to a decision on what you want with out me influencing it. Between the hypno and other play we have done, being around might change your mind. I need to know that your really want me the way I want you. I'll support you in what ever you decide, but it has to be on you. Don't dress up, no toys, no cage. Pretend things where like they were before we started. We can talk in the morning.

Nate.

So you ate and got ready for bed, it felt weird to not doll yourself up for Nate, as you feel asleep you noticed the lack of any sound coming from Nate's room through the vents except a fan. All of a sudden how lonely the Apartment felt came crashing down on you, and you feel asleep suppressing tears, trying to be a man like you were taught, Just like old times.

Jeremy awoke the following morning feeling a mix of emotions. While he was glad that he and Nate were on speaking terms in general and the time Nate was exiling himself would be over. Their relationship still felt fragile. The previous nights had left its mark, and the weight of their conversation hung heavy between them.

As he lay in bed, he contemplated their new dynamic. They were navigating uncharted territory, and it was clear that trust needed to be rebuilt. He knew it wouldn't be an easy, but he was determined to make things work between them. It had taken longer then he would have liked to admit but he really did Love Nate. It was also true that is was incredibly scared. It took hime even longer to realize that Nate was in his bed with him instead of the separate bed they started out in.

Nate stirred next to him, his eyes fluttering open. They shared a brief, hesitant smile before Nate sat up, stretching and yawning. "Morning," he mumbled, his voice rough with sleep.

"Morning," Jeremy replied, sitting up as well. "How did you sleep?"

"Okay, I guess," Nate admitted, his eyes avoiding Jeremy's gaze. "I just… I couldn't stop thinking about everything."

Jeremy nodded, understanding all too well the restless night Nate had experienced. "Yeah, me too. So what changed your mind about not doing our normal routine? Did you somehow know my decision before I did?"

Nate hesitated, then gave a small nod. "Yeah. Well sorta, Its more I couldn't not be there for you, I heard you last night trying to stifle your tears and then when you actually feel asleep and I checked on you tears were running down your face. I needed to hold you in that moment, I just meant to be gone before you woke up so you could give me your answer, know that what ever you end up deciding I'll support you however I can and however much you'll let me.... I Love you, weather its as Jer or Jasmine." Nate finishes meekly.

"Nate, Natalie, I'm sorry-" Nate's breath hitched, but you continued in the same breath"-That it took me so long, but I think,no, I know I love you too, and I'm sorry this whole thing spun out of control from my issues and my ex."

Nate Hugs to tight and kisses you on the neck. "What does that mean for Jasmine and Natalie?"

"I'll love you as Nate or Natalie but I don't know who I am or what I want besides you."

Their days fell into a new rhythm, marked by cautious interactions and a lingering tension. They tried to carry on as though everything was normal, but the change in their relationship was palpable. Jeremy worried that one wrong move could send them spiraling.

Evenings were spent mostly in silence, as they both retreated to their separate corners of the apartment. Jeremy found solace in his art, a hobby he long thought lost, losing himself in the process of creating. Nate, on the other hand, threw himself into his studies, immersing himself in the world of academia.

Though they still shared a bed, forgoing the fiction that a repeat of the last attempt to sleep separate would result in any other way, the physical intimacy they once enjoyed seemed like it was just out of reach, that they both longed for it but couldn't bridge the gap. Both were too afraid to reach out and touch the other, worried about crossing boundaries or causing more pain. They slept close, but barley touching, a constant reminder of the emotional distance between them.

One afternoon, after a particularly challenging day at school, Jeremy returned home to find Nate sitting on the couch, a troubled expression on his face. He hesitated, then took a seat next to him. "Hey," he said softly. "Is everything okay?"

Nate sighed, rubbing his eyes. "I don't know. I just… I'm so tired of feeling like this. Like we're walking on eggshells around each other."

Jeremy nodded, feeling a pang of sadness. "I know. I hate it too. But I don't know what to do to fix it."

As they sat in silence, Jeremy tentatively reached out, his hand hovering just above Nate's. He held his breath, waiting for a reaction. Nate looked down at his hand and then back up at Jeremy, his eyes softening. Slowly, he moved his hand to cover Jeremy's, their fingers intertwining, but no more words were exchanged. It would have lingered like that to but Jeremy decided that he had put enough of the emotional burden on Nate. He took Nate taking his hand as a sign and pull Nate into their first real embrace since Nate comforted Jeremy's tears.

It was a small gesture, but it felt like a step in the right direction. They were both wounded, everything happening just highlighting how fragile they both where when they got together and how their way of dealing with if was just paint over foundational cracks, but for the first time since the art gallery they both felt like they could really fix the core of these insecurities and doubts.