I Wouldn't Have Regretted It

Once I’d had the towel wrapped and securely fastened around me I found myself wanting another drink, anything to wash away the awkwardness of almost having gone all the way with this man who was old enough to be my father and make it easier to look him in the eye. Because worst of all he wasn’t just going to walk away right now, he was going to make sure I was alright with things.

Lucas, evidently, had the same idea as me because he walked over to the cabinet that held his liquor and poured two glasses before sitting at the kitchen table and sliding one over to a spot across the way from him.

“Thanks,” I said quietly as I sipped at the burning whisky and closed my eyes to try to figure out what to do and how I felt about things.

“You understand that it’s not-“ he started, but I held up a hand to stop him.

“You don’t have to explain, Lucas,” I reassured him, “I get it. And for what it’s worth I appreciate it. I do, however, reserve the right to be horny and frustrated.”

From over the top of my glass I grinned and Lucas grinned back at me, the tension melting entirely in a moment with a shrug from him.

“You’re frustrated?” he quips, “At least you got to get off. Meanwhile I’m sitting here with blue balls for the first time in a decade wondering whether I might be the biggest idiot in the whole damn world.”

“Let me clear that up for you then. You absolutely are.”

Groaning, Lucas took another swig of his drink.

“A charming idiot, though,” I smiled at him, “And I can appreciate that.”

The truth was that Lucas was probably more right than he knew on more levels than he understood. Because in spite of all my reassurances that this wasn’t a big deal to me and all of my horny hormonal needs urging me to just jump in with both feet and not think about it so much, I didn’t know how true that was.

The truth was that I hadn’t even been a woman for twenty-four hours yet and here I was falling into bed with a man like it was nothing, like it was as meaningless as it would be if I was back in my real body. But it wasn’t like that at all. I wasn’t a man right now. I was a whole lot younger than I had been before. I was a whole lot more confused, sexual orientation wise, than I knew what to do with.

And then, on top of all of it, I had to think of Emily as well.

Because she had her own needs and her own wants and her own desires and the choices I made here, they were supposed to set her up with a better future than I had myself. One that didn’t fall into the same traps that I fell into. One that was far more fulfilling than living the same day over and over again, walking to work in the same dark cubicle, and spending my birthdays alone because no one thought to remember them.

I knew the future that lay with her with Lucas. Like with Blake or Rachel or Eddie, it was unfulfilling and incomplete. It was a future where I was happy, but didn’t have happiness. And falling into bed with my older landlord on the first night I spent under his roof could be the trigger that led me down that path.

Or led Emily down that path… God the whole thing was so damn confusing and if nothing else that should have been a good enough indication that I shouldn’t go ahead and make the mistake of leaping into anything tonight with quite the same reckless abandon that I was just about to.

“Oh god,” I sighed, “It’s been one hell of a day.”

“I can imagine,” Lucas sympathized, and I laughed because he really couldn’t.

Rolling the glass around I watched the liquid undulate and across the table Lucas swallowed half of his in a single gulp.

“We’re fine,” I said, “I understand and truthfully in the morning I’ll probably appreciate it. I just wish…”

“So do I,” he told me.

After a beat I pressed on, “For what it’s worth, I don’t think I would have regretted it.”

“For what it’s worth,” he said, “I know I wouldn’t.”

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