A very necessary talk

Fortunately, besides almost being late to your next class due to your last minute lunch, the rest of the school day goes by without incident. Understanding the teachers was still as difficult as it was that morning, but the concepts of Maths and Science is still the same even if it’s in another language.

You breathe a sigh of relief as the final bell of the day rings, signalling the end of the school day. Realising you never actually decided on a place to meet with Emiru after school, you decide to make your way to the shoe lockers. It seemed like the best place to find her; she’d have to pass by at some point, and if her shoes were still there then you could just wait around.

That ended up not being necessary, since your arrival is met with the sight of a certain girl leaning suspiciously in front of the cabinet where you left your shoes this morning.

“Emiru, what are you doing?” Your voice is somewhere between curious and bemused.

Your sudden address causes her to jump. Emiru quickly turns to face you, her hands going behind her back. “K-Ken! You got here faster than I thought you would…”

You peer around her to see what she was holding. Though she was trying to hide it, you still managed to catch a glimpse of the white envelope she had in her hands as she turned around.

“What are you holding?” You ask her.

“Oh...I’m...” Emiru voice seemed to die in her throat as she tried to come up with an excuse, but she doesn’t end up saying anything. “Never mind. Here…”

Looking defeated, Emiru passed the envelope to you. It looked like an envelope used for celebratory cards, but the lack of rigidity told you that it contained a simple sheet of paper.

Was she planning on putting this in my shoe locker? That does seem like the kind of thing she’d do.

Without fully knowing if you should, you opened the letter immediately. You were half disappointed, yet somehow relieved, that it didn’t contain written confession of love or anything, but its actual contents weren’t much better.

Dear Ken,

Please to come see me. Much I want to tell you.

I am awaiting at the rooftop for you.

A few days before, you might have laughed at the poorly written English grammar. But, having just spent the day being mind screwed by the Japanese writing system, it’s not like you had a leg to stand on.

“Do you want to talk?” You ask Emiru gently. She doesn’t respond, instead giving a small nod with her eyes cast down; confronting her about the letter must have broken her confidence.

Your heart swells with concern. You barely got to talk to her after you got to school, but you just assumed that she was OK after seeing her in homeroom. Was the events of last night still weighing on her?

You let out a small sigh. If nothing else, this at least gave you the opportunity to talk to Emiru about everything that was on your mind, as much as the idea of opening up scared you.

If I really want the best for her...then at the very least, I shouldn’t keep her in the dark.

“I agree,” You tell her. “I have things I tell you as well. Let’s find a place to sit down...”

It took a little while for things to get going.

You and Emiru managed to find a deserted classroom to get some privacy. With Emiru so obviously nervous, you decided to leave her alone for a bit to let her try to figure out what she wanted to say, excusing yourself to go and grab some drinks from a vending machine.

Though you were trying your best to remain calm, the reality was that the idea of speaking to Emiru was making you just as anxious as she seemed to be. The simple question that Maiko posed to you about your feelings towards her plagued your mind; you spent what felt like hours just staring at the vending machine, trying to work up the courage to walk back through the door and not bolt for the entrance.

Once you finally decided to walk back through the door, you found that Emiru had put two desks together facing one another, like a two-person table at a food court. She’s holding onto a sheet of paper, which you presume are her notes. She had her phone out to her side, and you raised an eyebrow when you saw it had a language translation app open.

“Do you feel ready?” You ask her, passing over a bottle of green tea. Emiru’s hands grip the paper out of nerves, but nonetheless, she looks at you with a determined expression that reminds you of last night.

“Yes.” She nodded.

“I do not need you to speak in English. My Japanese is fine.” You try to explain, but Emiru shakes her head.

“I want to try at least,” She says. “If I use Japanese, then I might speak too quickly, or use phrases that you don’t know. If I use English, it forces me to choose my words carefully.”

Though you doubted the conversation would remain in English for long, you weren’t about to let all her effort go to waste. Taking a sip of your tea, you give her a nod. Emiru takes this as the sign to bring the paper up to her face and begin to read.

“Ken. Last night, I felt very sad. I left you, and you got hurt. I am sorry. Please...forgive me.”

As you suspected, even with time to prepare, Emiru’s sentences were still extremely basic. Her cadence is choppy and her nerves are evident in her voice, which you doubt is just because of the subject at hand.

Despite all that though...you find yourself listening intently, your mind holding onto every word Emiru spoke. She was right; speaking English made her words more powerful than if she just spoke Japanese.

“You were with me last night,” Emiru continued. “You said...you want me to be happy. But, I know that you must be happy first. So, I decided that...you must see someone else.”

As understanding as you’re trying to be, you can’t stop the shock at that last sentence from spreading across your face. Emiru immediately panics.

“W-Wait!” Emiru said. Flustered, she had switched back to using Japanese. “Um, what I mean is…” She reached out to grab her phone to use the translation app again, but you put your hand over hers to stop her.

“Please wait, what do you mean by ‘see someone else’?” You try to clarify. “Do you not like me asking you to help?”

“No, that’s not it,” She responds. “I want to help you with your fever, but if you want someone to be there by your side, then...you cannot choose me.”

“...Why not?”

“Because,” She says. “I gave it some thought and I decided...I am not good enough for you. You need to find someone better than me.”

“What...?” You gasp. Emiru barely seems phased; like she was expecting this. You **** yourself to calm down and steady your voice. “Sorry, but I do not understand. I thought you wanted to help me when you can. Did you not say so?”

“I know,” A tragic smile descends on her face. It makes your blood run cold. “That’s why I will still help when you ask me to. But I realised after last night that I cannot support you as the person that I am now. For your own health, you should choose someone better than me to be your main helper.”

What is she talking about? Is she still going on about ‘beauty’ and ‘experience’ and all that shit?

You clench your teeth. You wish you could say she was wrong. Say something that could wipe away her doubts and explain to her why you wanted her despite everything she was saying. Maybe if you told her that feeling you had, it could do it...but you couldn’t. Not yet.

“I understand what you have said,” You tell her, forcing your voice to be steady. “However, I cannot accept it.”

Emiru frowned. “Why not?” She asked simply.

Tell her how you feel.

You sigh. In the end, there’s no way to fake this, you realise; you don't think you'd be prepared even if you were thinking about this all day. Even if you could prepare yourself, it would defeat the whole point. Sucking in air through your teeth, you reveal the words from your heart.

“Because even though you have said all that...I still wish for you to be there for my fever.”

As much as you had hoped that would be enough, your words are met with nothing more than a slight droop in Emiru's expression. It was still something though, so you press on.

“Last night, I was scared too. When Maiko-san was returning me from the hospital, I was scared what you would think. When I decided to stay at the arcade, I did so because I wanted to earn you something to thank you. And when I saw you crying, I felt that I wanted to see you happy, not sad. Our time together has been very short, but I have enjoyed myself very much. So that’s why…”

You look her straight in the eye.

“I want you to be there for me, Emiru. Please...help me with my illness.”

Perhaps you were too focused on thinking of the right words, because you only just notice that Emiru's expression has transformed. Her head is lowered, her eyes covered by strands of hair like a curtain. Still, you’re able to pick out that her face is beginning to redden. However, it’s not the embarrassed blush you’ve seen on her many a time before, it’s something else.

“...You shouldn’t do this. Why do this all this for me?” Emiru’s voice comes out soft.

You grimace, realising you didn’t have a good answer. And even if you did, you’d have a hard time explaining it in English, let alone in Japanese.

I want her to stay smiling. That’s how I feel.

“...I do not know how to answer that. This is what I want to do,” Lacking neither an eloquent answer nor the vocabulary to express it, you can only continue speaking honestly. “Because I realised...last night when I was with you, I felt...very happy.”

No reaction. You need to keep going.

“I was with Maiko-san at lunchtime, and I realised when I was with her...it was different.” You continue.

“...did it feel good?” Emiru asked bluntly.

Your first instinct is to say no, but you suspect that she wouldn’t believe you. Instead, you look directly at her and fill your words with sincerity.

“Yes,” You admit. “But even so, it did not feel the same way. I know now. I preferred being with you.”

“What…?” Emiru instinctively sits upright at that statement. Your heart soars with hope; just a bit more!

“I mean it. That is how I feel. Although you think you cannot support me, the one I want is you. And that’s why…”

Your hand slips into your bag and withdraws the ovulation chart Maiko gave you.

“If you are happy to...I would like if you had my child.” You say, presenting the paper to her with both hands.

You’re shaking slightly, but you did it. You managed to get through everything you wanted to say. Unfortunately, you’re not immediately greeted by a response; instead, Emiru just stares at the paper you’ve given her, without a word. Gently, she reaches out to draw it closer to her, but beyond her expression of shock, you can’t tell what she’s thinking. You hoped dearly that she would be receptive to it after what she said last night, but nothing you told yourself could quieten the doubts.

“You do not need to give me an answer now,” You tell her, trying to diffuse the tension. “I am sorry for saying all of this all at once. But please think about it. It has been a long day. We should go home.” You take the opportunity to stand up, grab your things, and turn towards the door; after the events of the day, you could probably do with a rest more than anything.

You planned on waiting just outside the door for Emiru to compose herself, but you didn’t even make it that far. A gentle tug on your sleeve stops you. Turning back, you see her standing just behind you pinching your sleeve, her eyes cast down out of sight.

“Ken…” She says your name softly.

“What’s wrong? Did you want to say something?”

“...I told you my answer last night. It hasn’t changed,” Her tone is flat. “It’s just…”

“What?”

“You could choose any one of the girls here in this school to be with you for your fever,” She continued, her voice slightly shaky. “Any one in the city...but you want to choose me. I don’t understand. What does it mean?”

A certain annoying question popped into your mind again; the one you feared to answer. Maybe you were a coward for refusing to confront it, but thinking about it just made your head hurt. There just wasn’t an answer for it; at least, not one you could figure out right now, and definitely not on an empty stomach.

So maybe…

“Why does it need to mean something?” You ask in a low voice.

“What…?”

“Do I need a reason to choose you? This disease means I should fulfill my desires; that’s what I have been told.” You explain. “And as I said...this is what I want to do. There does not have to be a special reason why.”

You break out a smile to calm her.

“It is important in Asian culture to help someone with Yellow Fever, is that right? So I am just asking you to help me, just a little more often. You don't need to be someone special to do that, do you?”

You reach out with your hand to beckon her to walk with you. Emiru just stares at you for a second before her expression changes. Her look of uncertainty lifts, like clouds parting after a rainstorm. Without warning, she reaches out and takes your hand in hers, leading you by your arm out the door and into the hallway.

“...Come on. You must be tired after your first day at school. We should go home to rest.” She looks back to you, her face radiant. You hadn’t seen an expression like that on her since on the arcade’s dancepad yesterday.

Seeing her so bright again causes you to grin as well, and you speed up to match her pace. For a serene moment, you two walk together side-by-side towards the shoe lockers, your hands still together. A feeling of contentment cleanses you like a hot spring; the walk was short, but it was nearly enough to make you forget about all the stress up until that point. It was almost a shame when you eventually arrived at the lockers, forcing you both to separate so you could change your shoes for the proper ones.

“Um, Ken…?” You hear Emiru’s voice just as you put on your outdoor shoes.

“Is something wrong?”

"Well, how are you feeling right now?" She asks you.

It takes you a moment, but you realise she's talking about the fever. You take a moment to examine yourself (not that you knew exactly what to look for, though), and decide that you don't feel anything abnormal. It seems that Maiko knew how to take care of you after all.

"I think I am fine for now, but I may need relief later tonight," You tell her. "Do you want to...?"

Emiru nods, but you notice that she looks incredibly nervous for some reason.

“I understand…” Her face is incredibly flushed as she works up the courage to say something. “I just wanted to know. Because...I just wanted to say I wouldn’t mind doing it again. And...not just for your fever.”

You’re lucky you’re leaning against the shoe lockers, otherwise you’d be eating shoe dust right now.

“Are you sure…? It’s fine to just say that you want to help me…” You reply with a nervous chuckle.

“I know. But, last night...I enjoyed it too,” Despite her blush, she makes the effort to look at you. “So even if it helps you...I want it as well.”

You do your best to stop your mouth from gaping open.

“I would enjoy that as well," You say, clearing your throat. "There’s just one thing though...”

“What is it?” She replies back.

“Well, um…” You unceremoniously pat your stomach. “Could we go somewhere to eat first? I didn’t get much time for lunch, and Mrs. Fukada didn’t pack enough to eat.”

Your embarrassment at your request evaporates as Emiru giggles in response.

“Of course. Um, let’s see...around here there should be a few places...”

Emiru leads you out of the school grounds, listing options of where to eat nearby. You do your best to stay present, but you find yourself pulled away as a realisation dawns on you like an insidious worm.

Just then, when Emiru was asking for sex, she acted embarrassed and shy about the whole thing even though she gave you a blowjob on your first night without so much as a blush. Was it possible for girls to separate in their minds having sex with you for your fever versus doing it for their own pleasure?

If the reactions that girls have to having sex change based on whether they want it themselves, then that would mean…

Beside yourself, you frown.

Am I...somehow making them do this against their will?