Fear Can Be Paralyzing

“I think there is a temptation there,” he said, “Being able to start again. Feeling the blush of youth. Forgiveness for old mistakes. Embracing missed opportunities.

“It’s that last bit which would be the most enticing to me. The idea that I could make a different choice. The chance that I could do something I wanted to in the moment, but didn’t have the courage to actually pull the trigger on.”

“Regrets,” I said, “Making up for regrets.”

Lucas nodded slowly and thoughtfully, seeming to chew on the idea before knocking back the last of his drink and setting his glass in the sink.

“But there is no sense in dwelling on it,” he said afterwards, “I mean you can’t go back in time. You can’t change the way things worked out. You have to be happy with where you are, and I am.”

I turned the beer I was holding around and around in my hands, pushing a finger into the side of the can and pushing a line through the condensation.

“I sometimes wonder about second chances,” I struggled to find the words, “I think you’re right, about being able to do something different.”

Lucas just laughed, “You’re too young to be worried about any of that. I don’t mean to sound my age or put down your experiences. God knows when I was in your place I had my own thoughts and ideas, was weary about the life I was living.

“But at the same time I was so young and so are you. You’ve got time to make those mistakes still. You haven’t been on this good green earth long enough to have the kind of lasting regrets that come with age.”

In a sense he was right. Sure I’d lived a lot longer on this earth than this body implied, but that life and those choices had been washed away when I’d slipped into this new skin. I still felt the weight of them and still remembered the place they had me wind up, but the consequences and the results of them just simply didn’t exist anymore.

In actual fact I was in a far more fortunate place than anyone could possibly ever hope to be. I had regrets and I knew what it was to have regrets, but I no longer had to live with any of the consequences. I knew what it was to have them, though, and that meant I knew what it would mean to live a life without them.

“Maybe you’re right,” I said to him, “I think you might be. I haven’t been around to make any real mistakes yet, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t necessarily. So I guess maybe I should still be afraid.”

Lucas shook his head, “No sense in being afraid, Emily. Fear can be a powerful paralytic.”

I took a long sip of my beer and then drained the rest of it and placed the can in the sink next to his glass. It was late and it was dark and there was little excuse to keep on staying here.

Especially since my head was spinning and my body was still tingling from the events of the night. Especially since I was a bundle of confused needs and worries, without any real way to let off any steam.

Lucas laughed out of nowhere and I stared up at him, all wide-eyed innocence and misunderstanding.

“I’m sorry,” he chuckled, “That laugh wasn’t at you. It was just at the whole situation. I don’t know if you’ve looked around the house but I’m not exactly mentorship material here. I’ve made more mistakes than I’ve done things right and sure I’ve had my successes, but I stumbled into most of them and don’t know that I could replicate any of them given the chance. So, I’m probably the last person in the world you should be coming to and should be trusting.”

“Maybe not,” I worried at my hands, turning them over and over and pressing on my fingers, “If what you said is right and you’ve made mistakes. Who better to offer advice on how to avoid them?”

“That might be true,” he replied with a grin, “Well then I guess I’ve got only one real good piece of advice for you.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Regret, in my experience, comes far more often from not doing something you want to than from taking action and feeling bad about it afterwards. You regret the shots you never took, not the ones you took a chance on and missed. At least with the latter you have some kind of an answer. But if you never try, you'll never know what could have been.”

I had enough experience in both of my lives to know that he was right about that. And I had enough experience in this body to know that message had very specific meaning right now.

Because there was something I wanted, an action I needed to do.

And I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t take the chance.

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